Author Sophie Lee feared she would never have a normal relationship after an ex-boyfriend destroyed her confidence
“At first it was like a dream. He thought I was the best thing in the world,” says author Sophie Lee of the toxic relationship that would see her scared for her life and stalked. But then, if she disagreed with him, he would respond by cheating on her and being controlling.
Soon Sophie, 37, says he became aggressive. “He used to get really angry and used to throw stuff at me,” she says. But Sophie, who lives in East Yorkshire, says: “I thought he was the love of my life.” Admitting she’d started drinking and taking cocaine, in a bid to dull her feelings, when she finally saw sense and finished with Steve, things got even worse.
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“After we broke up, I felt very afraid of him,” says Sophie. “He gave me back my house keys, but had one cut. I started coming home from work and noticing things had been moved around. Then I’d come home and my entire washing would have been done. He’d obviously been in my house for the whole day. He moved things around completely into different rooms.”
Frightened, when he searched on her computer for ‘how to kill yourself,’ she moved in with a friend. “It was all a twisted game to him,” says Sophie, who was too scared to report him. Luckily, he stopped pursuing her and she sobered up, took a break from dating and rebuilt her self esteem. Then, six years ago, she met Craig Lee, 38, a tradesman, in a bar.
“It took me a long time before I felt like I could trust him and open myself up fully to him. But he’s never been anything other than fabulous.” They have even bought a house together. She says: “I’ve finally found my happy ending.”
*Sophie Lee Beyond Palatable: A Manifesto for Unapologetic Women (Luath Press, £14.99) will be published on March 8 2026
It is 10 years this month since coercive control became an offence
According to the National Centre for Domestic Violence, around 1.6 million women experience domestic abuse annually in England and Wales. Police record around 50,000 casesof coercive control in England and Wales each year. But of the domestic abuse that gets reported to police, recent research suggests coercive control could be up to over 80% of it.
As a result, world leading experts have urged the Government more needs to be done to prevent coercive control, provide victims with support, and encourage women to come forward to get help if they’re in a dangerous situation. Dr Cassandra Wiener, an Associate Professor in Law at City St George’s, University of London, works on the criminalisation of domestic abuse. She says:
“Coercive control is domestic abuse where there is a purposeful pattern of behaviour used by perpetrators to harm, punish or frighten victims through assault, humiliation and intimidation, and, sometimes, through the loss of life.” She issues a stark warning: “The link between coercive control and homicide is clear.”
She says: “Police now recognise that they need to listen to victims – someone experiencing coercive control is best placed to tell you how frightened they are, and that fear must always be taken seriously. But more needs to be done to encourage women to leave these dangerous situations and come forward to get help.”
Gemma Sherrington, CEO of Refuge, adds: “Abuse doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. It often goes unrecognised, hiding in the seemingly small moments of control and manipulation. Coercive control is a sinister pattern of behaviour designed to isolate, manipulate and intimidate. Although it is less understood than other forms of abuse, such as physical violence, it can be equally as traumatic and harmful for survivors.
“Coercive control was made a criminal offence in 2015, but there is still a long way to go to ensure every perpetrator is brought to account. Across the board, convictions for domestic abuse remain woefully low. Sadly, this can make survivors less likely to come forward, seek support, or report abuse for fear they won’t be believed.” Coercive control can trap women in relationships by eroding autonomy and limiting safe choices, but with the right support, it is possible to leave and rebuild your life free from abuse.
*If you are in an abusive relationship and need confidential advice and support, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Examples of coercive behaviour include (Source: Women’s Aid):
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
- Monitoring your time
- Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
- Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
- Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
- Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
- Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
- Controlling your finances
- Making threats or intimidating you
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