JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who doesn’t know how to handle a mysterious neighbour with an appetite for smut
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He’s sizing me up
What should I do about a guy who keeps sending me suggestive messages and X-rated pics of himself?
I hardly know him and can’t work out if he’s serious or messing around. I’m in a movie club with a group of neighbours. We meet every other week. Back in November this new guy joined us.
We have a WhatsApp group, but he’s started messaging me separately – and some of these messages are off the scale. I don’t know how to reply. I’ve never done anything to encourage him and, when we meet up in the group, he’s not particularly friendly towards me. What’s going on?
JANE SAYS: This rat is cyberflashing. I suspect he’s on a digital ‘fishing expedition’.
He’s trying to find out if you’re interested in him and, most importantly, solvent, and free. This is a cynical and hard-headed move and he’s to be discouraged at all costs. Don’t respond to him or give him any ammunition because you need to protect yourself.
Has anyone else you know received similar messages?
Might you be inclined to ask him to leave you alone the next time you meet him face-to-face? Sending unsolicited X-rated images is harassment. What he’s doing is illegal and wrong. Do you need to speak to trusted friends with a view to reporting this matter to the police? Do not mistrust your instincts. You cannot allow yourself to be intimidated.
Who am I?
I fear I’ve lost my identity. I’m a people person.
When I was in my old job, I used to be the office ‘fixer’. I organised all the staff bonding weekends. I arranged parties and leaving dos. My old boss had a great sense of fun and trusted me to come up with everything from murder mystery events to fire walking.
Now I’m working from home for a new company and earning a lot more money, there’s no reason for me to buy smart clothes or even wash my hair. No one sees me anymore and I’ve lost my magic. Help.
JANE SAYS: Things might seem bleak right now but try not to think too far into the future. Tackle each day as it comes. You’ve got to start being proactive again.
Make plans to see friends or ex-colleagues for an hour or so at a time while you re-build your confidence and social skills. If, ultimately, you believe that working from home for this company doesn’t suit your bubbly personality, then start looking for a more suitable job down the line. Your creativity will be valued again – you just must hold tight and keep believing in yourself.
Prepare to be flexible with an open mind moving forward. That said, don’t suffer in silence; consider speaking to your GP if you are struggling to cope.
Time to step up
My husband and I both work from home part time. In between we go on holidays, see friends and have a lovely time. Now our daughter is insisting my husband goes back into the office full time, while I bring up her children.
Her boys are 4 and 6 and she’s ready to resume her career. The other day she said: “You’ve had your fun, now it’s time to do your duty”.
Duty? I started full-time work at 16. Recently I told her that our bucket list involves trips to South America and India and she blasted me for being selfish.
How dare she make us feel guilty?
JANE SAYS: Be honest about what you are prepared to do, but don’t be guilt-tripped or feel obliged to give up your lifestyle.
There’s no denying that childcare is extremely expensive. I suspect your daughter views you as the obvious people to care for her little ones while she resumes her career, but she can’t demand anything.
Start the conversation. Look at all the various options i.e., childminder versus after school care. What about other family members too?
Ultimately her children are her responsibility. You and your husband are allowed to enjoy yourselves.
With negotiation and sensible compromises, this problem isn’t insurmountable, but she needs to stop thinking the whole world revolves around her.