JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who struggles to forget – and escape from – her charismatic ex lover
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He let me down and broke my heart
I’ve been a bad girl of late. I’ve drunk too much, let down friends and family and slept around. I was supposed to go to my parents’ house for Christmas lunch but spent the day romping with a stranger from a dating app instead. On New Year’s Eve my mate held her annual party, but I was a ‘no show’. While she served crisps and warm wine, I was in a grungy nightclub drunkenly dancing on a podium in my bra and pants. Now everyone is telling me that I’m a disappointment and a disgrace. I’m constantly being told to clean up my act.
But the truth is that I ache so much inside it hurts.
The true love of my life was married when we first got together in 2019. He kept promising to leave his wife.
I was his dirty secret, the woman he crept round to see for snatched cuddles and hurried quickies. The sex was urgent and hot; we regularly bonked all over my flat and he was like a drug to me.
When he did eventually ask for a divorce, he moved straight in with another (younger) woman that I knew nothing about. I was blind-sided as I had no idea that she existed.
Now it’s a year down the line and he’s saying that there’s no reason why he and I shouldn’t start seeing each other again. He’s bombarding me with calls and texts. He knows I’m single and still desperately in love with him. He’s so arrogant that he thinks he deserves to have me too. My friends would be furious if they knew that I was even speaking to him. They were there for me when he did the dirty and, basically, saved my sanity. But what choices do I have when I’m lonely and have no one else – and he’s never stopped being ‘The One’?
JANE SAYS: Your ex-lover sounds utterly repulsive. Not only is he a user but he’s cruel and heartless too.
How will you ever find anyone else when so much of your mind is taken up by this selfish individual? For years he’s strung you along and now he’s asking you to be his ‘other woman’ yet again.
What about yourself respect and your limits? I understand that there’s no accounting for who we love, but please open your eyes to the fact that he’s selfish and unscrupulous. He’s playing with you and seeing what he can get away with all over again. Seemingly, everything he does is for the benefit of him and him alone.
After leaving his wife, he didn’t spend any time alone before falling into a new partner’s bed.
Remember that your friends care about you. They offered you support the last time around, but I don’t get the impression that they’d be willing to indulge you all over again. Please find the strength to tell him ‘no’. Turn to family for support in finding new outlets for your love and energy. You deserve better.
As for your excessive drinking and your self-destructive behaviour; I suggest you apologise to those you’ve let down and insulted and get any help you need via your GP. Yes, you’re hurting but this must be a new chapter for you.
Money’s too tight
I’ve always been a worrier. It drives my husband mad that I fret about everything from work to family relationships. For a while now I’ve not been able to sleep for worrying about money and bills. His business isn’t doing very well, and the cost of living is spiralling. I keep reading that things are going to get worse. How are we supposed to cope with increased price hikes when I’m on a fixed income and am already carrying a few debts?
Things aren’t helped by my daughter and her new husband constantly begging for handouts. They’re currently on at us to give them yet another loan (which won’t be re-paid) for a summer holiday. She storms that everyone deserves a fortnight in the sun for their mental and physical health but why is it up to us to pay?
JANE SAYS: There’s no denying that times are tough. Like you, a lot of people are very worried right now. Implementing a budget is a positive and important step. Why don’t you check out The National Debtline (nationaldebtline.org)? Their budget tool will help you to work out what you have coming in, how much you are spending and what you have left to pay your debts.
As for your daughter, she needs to hear that you have to start looking after yourself. It’s unfortunate that she’s so entitled but eating well and keeping yourself safe and warm must be your priorities now.
Pain in the proverbial
None of us can stand our Mum’s obnoxious boyfriend. He’s inappropriate and rude and is ripping our family apart. Get togethers have become a nightmare with him telling everyone what to do. When we challenge her, Mum mutters: “You know what he’s like” but why should we have to put up with this?
JANE SAYS: Is your mother frightened of her partner? Can you talk to her in private about her life in general? Offer to support and help her because she doesn’t have endure embarrassment or bullying. Check out refuge.org.uk. Sadly, if this man can’t be reasoned with and is not going change, then maybe you need to remove yourselves from his company. Arrange to see your mother on her own instead – and don’t give up on her.