JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who wishes his beautiful girlfriend would dedicated herself solely to him
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Confused by the rules
I’m obsessed with a wonderfully sexy woman but don’t know what the rules are. I thought we were ‘exclusive’; that she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. But a couple of times she’s stayed out all night with other men.
When challenged she says: “It meant nothing” or “It was one of those things”. I don’t feel inclined to get naked with other girls so don’t know where I stand.
Do I have the right to demand she dedicates himself solely to me? Or might I risk upsetting her? Our sex life is fantastic so why does she need anyone else?
JANE SAYS: It’s vital that you confront your girlfriend before she sleeps with anyone else and puts your sexual health in danger. This is not a game. She needs to understand that you’re not interested in an open relationship. Is she prepared to reset and start again on a new footing?
Trotting out tired lines like “It was one of those things” doesn’t cut it. Sadly, if she’s not willing to give you the respect and commitment you crave, then she’s not the person you’re looking for. Don’t ever feel shy about going after what you want. I get the impression that you’re slightly dazzled by her.
I don’t want to share her
I can’t stand my wife of a year mixing with other people. She’s married to me. Why should I have to share her?
We live too close to her family and oldest friends for my liking. I’m sick of them popping round. If I had my way we’d relocate to a seaside town where we’d know no one and could simply enjoy each other’s company. As it is, our house if often like Piccadilly Circus with folk coming and going. Christmas was awful with an endless stream of unwelcome callers who turned up empty handed and stayed for hours. I never realised that her parents would be so demanding and have such influence. They constantly want lifts, favours and jobs doing around their house. I can’t stand them and want our life to just be about us. And I don’t appreciate being labelled a control freak or misery for complaining either.
On New Year’s Day a load of them turned up for a ‘cup of tea’ and I went nuts. I allowed them to stay for exactly one hour before insisting they all leave – you should have heard the moaning and insults.
In our home I have taken over all the cooking, cleaning and decorating. I’m up at 6am doing the washing, tidying up and prepping our meals. Often, I’ll have been to the shops before my wife has even showered or had breakfast. I enjoy baking and making all the bread and cakes too. But even that is wrong. My wife accuses me of ‘taking over’ and leaving her with nothing to do. Recently I re-arranged all the kitchen cupboards and the front room furniture while she was at work. She hit the roof. She called me ‘too much’ and said I was suffocating her. How come nothing I do is right?
JANE SAYS: You sound like a one-man hurricane. You clearly have a lot of energy and enthusiasm, but I suspect, you can be exhausting and frustrating too.
You and your wife are newly married and still finding your way as a committed couple. You need to establish house rules regarding visitors, favours and the expectations of others. Rather than pushing your wife’s friends and family away, work with her in establishing boundaries. I get the impression that she is being pulled in different directions by some big personalities. But she needs to accept that her life is different now and she’s not always fair on you. Balance must be the way forward. Of course, she must have friends and contact with relatives, but private, married time is vitally important too. Talk to her, calmly. If she’s the one accusing you of being a control freak, then listen and adapt accordingly.
As for those jobs around the house, you need to recognise that she wishes to have input too especially if she enjoys cooking, interior design and making a home. Go back to the drawing board and divide up the stuff that needs to be done so that you have equal input and she doesn’t feel she’s being overwhelmed. The bottom line is that it’s unreasonable of you to expect to have her all to yourself because that’s not healthy, The world isn’t against you, but you need to accept that you can’t control her – or anyone else for that matter.
Phone home
Christmas with my partner was a nightmare. He simply refused to put down his mobile phone for one second. Even when we were pulling crackers and toasting The King he had the rotten thing in his hand. I begged him to put it away as he carved the turkey and he bit my head off.
He can’t stop scrolling through bad news and making himself anxious. Social media posts feed his paranoia, while developing news stories send him to a dark place. He constantly reads out terrible updates and statistics, which drive us all crazy. I keep telling him that this level of engagement isn’t healthy, but he’s addicted.
JANE SAYS: Your partner must be encouraged to protect his mental health. Of course, we should be aware of all the atrocities in the world, but he must introduce balance before he makes himself paranoid or even ill. His time would be better used living in the moment and enjoying those special family times, which won’t last forever. He needs to give himself a break by going outside (without his handset) and enjoying the fresh air with you and family. Beg him to understand how worried you are.
Would he agree to limiting his screen time to set periods? Will he accept that he isn’t helping himself by becoming increasingly stressed? Should he speak to a health professional about this addiction?
Knock down ginger
I finished with my lover last November, but he won’t go away. He’s angry and says I owe him another chance. He rings our doorbell at 4am and runs away. I know it’s him because he texts me all night. Luckily my partner is a very heavy sleeper and knows nothing, but I’m scared.
JANE SAYS: You can’t live like this; your nerves must be in shreds. Insist your ex-partner leaves you alone. Tell him to move on. If he doesn’t then you’ll have to consider contacting the police because you cannot be intimidated. As for your partner, it’s not a case of IF he finds out, it’s when… Speak up now. Tell the truth, clear the air and deal with the consequences. Why did you cheat in the first place?