JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader whose suspicious girlfriend is worried he’ll bring other women into their home for sex
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She’s paranoid and unreasonable
My partner is horribly jealous of my female colleagues. She’s convinced I want to sleep with them all. She’s being spiteful and suspicious and totally unreasonable.
I started at this new firm back in November. It’s staffed mainly by clever and confident women.
I love it here. I feel respected and valued but my partner feels threatened. She accuses me of deliberately targeting a firm with such a high ratio of female staff. She says I’m ‘clearly’ on the lookout for new lovers to flirt, bed and have steamy affairs with. She’s being utterly ridiculous. She’s so paranoid that I’m banned from mixing with my female colleagues at lunch time. I’m ordered to eat my sandwiches alone at my desk or go for a walk-in a nearby park. She constantly rings me to check I’m following her instructions. I have to send her pictures of where I am and my surroundings.
I’m under strict instructions to come straight home if anyone suggests drinks after work and I’m banned from birthday and leaving parties because “We all know what they lead too…”. At the moment I’m in the office five days a week, but, from next month I’ll be doing two days at home. At that point my partner is threatening to install spy cameras in our place so that she can keep an eye on me in case I smuggle in lovers and let rip on the kitchen table and the front room carpet. I find her attitude so insulting. What does she take me for?
What gets me is that I’ve never cheated on her, or given her any reason to doubt me, in the four years we’ve been together. I’ve never so much as looked at another woman let alone kissed a girl or been on a secret, saucy date.
JANE SAYS: Your partner is putting you under intolerable stress and pressure. I’m surprised that you can concentrate on your new job at all with her breathing down your neck and accusing you of flirting with others.
From monitoring your lunchtime routine to banning you from socialising with your colleagues under any circumstances she’s over-stepping the mark in a very extreme way.
Sadly, her personal insecurity runs so deep that she’s incapable of behaving reasonably. She needs to hear that she has a problem for, which she needs to seek help. Insist she speaks to her GP and explains what’s going on. It’s possible that she was let down as a child or hurt as a younger adult, or past partner, but you can’t tolerate this paranoia and control when all you’ve ever sought to do is treat her with love and respect.
Make it clear that any talk of spy cameras needs to end right here because you don’t need or want it. End of.
Are you inclined to take yourself away to a safe space in order to think and decide what to do next.
I fear that until she changes you will never be able to do right or reassure her because she is overwhelmed by her emotions. Sadly, if she incapable of changing, then you will have to think about staying in this relationship long term because it’s not respectful and it’s not healthy.
Greedy relatives are circling
I was as surprised as anyone when my father-in-law died last year leaving a large sum of money behind. He was a mean man who penny pinched and ate cheap food and never bought a round. We all assumed he was poor, he wasn’t.
Now my wife has cash for the first time in her life, but I’m worried because she’s already started giving it away.
She’s a kind woman and she’s falling for every sob story she hears. I fear that her son (from a previous relationship whom I’ve never liked or trusted) has already had a significant slice. My wife and I are already rowing, and we haven’t even spent a penny on ourselves. How do I make her understand that I’m not being unreasonable or mean?
JANE SAYS: Being able to share her windfall around probably makes your wife feel good about herself, but she doesn’t have a limitless supply of cash. She must be stronger with regard to her son and other people. You and she need to look at how much is left and put together a budget. Of course, you’re entitled to have a few treats and some fun, but there’s nothing selfish or greedy about planning for the future. Don’t make an enemy of her son but do, gently point out, that he doesn’t necessarily have her best interests at heart.
Room for improvement
My fiancé promises that our sex life will improve once we’re married. We’re currently experiencing a huge amount of stress organising our autumn wedding.
Sex has taken a back seat – i.e., we haven’t touched each other for months – while we deal with his demanding family who are paying for everything and calling the shots. He swears that we’ll relax on our honeymoon in Malta and go back to our passionate early days as a happily married couple. But can I trust him when I walk around naked, and he doesn’t even blink?
JANE SAYS: It sounds as if you’ve lost sight of yourselves as a loving couple. You’re so overwhelmed by wedding plans that passion and commitment have taken a back seat.
Is this the moment when you decide to scale things back? Is this really the wedding and hassle you desire?
If his family are taking over and controlling you both, then what might married life be like? Are they going to be just as controlling down the line?
On a more intimate level, has he lost his sexual confidence or is he conflicted regarding his true sexuality? He needs to tell you how he’s feeling because you have to know where you stand. An ill-conceived marriage would be an emotional and financial disaster.
Time’s up
My Mum is putting pressure on me to give up my friends and concentrate on her full time. She is getting on and becomes irritated when she can’t get hold of me. I see my pals for a coffee on Tuesdays and attend an exercise class each Thursday. Surely, I’m allowed some time to myself? I enjoy chatting and exercise and feel much better after I’ve socialised and stretched.
JANE SAYS: Self-care is vitally important. You owe it to yourself to remain healthy and strong. Calmly explain to your demanding mother that seeing others is something you need to do for your mental and physical stability. Are there relatives or family friends that she could call upon? Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for taking time out.