JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is climbing the walls with sexual frustration
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All or nothing
My partner loves to be kissed and cuddled. Every time we go for a walk he slips his arm through mine. He encourages me to sit on his lap in the pub while he strokes my hair. Friends remark on how affectionate he is. But what they don’t know is that we don’t have sex – and haven’t got naked since 2020. He admits that he likes being cherished and petted but doesn’t feel comfortable getting naked.
He’s never enjoyed intercourse finding it ‘messy and embarrassing’. I can’t stand this fakery. How is it fair that he gets warmth and comfort from me, but nothing more? As far as I’m concerned, it’s all or nothing. If I can’t have the full package i.e. affection and sex, then I don’t want anything. Tell me I’m wrong?
JANE SAYS: No one would blame you for being extremely angry and sexually frustrated.
Your partner has imposed various rules, and it doesn’t sound as if you’ve had any say in the matter.
What about compromise? What about your sexual urges and need for passionate love?
Talk to him away from the bedroom and tell him that you’re not prepared to live like this. You require a lover not a needy friend. Is there anything he’s not telling you about his health, state of mind or true sexual preferences? Sadly, if you can’t find some middle ground and start again, then bitterness and resentment will continue to build.
Must you leave now? Would you be happier as a single person starting out again?
Nothing is right
I disappoint my mum every time I open my mouth. She doesn’t like my partner, thinks my home is pokey and wishes I had a better job.
Any meal I cook her is ‘tasteless’ and my attempts at crafts and DIY are met with derision. Recently she told me I looked ‘scruffy and awful’ at my cousin’s wedding. Even when I go all out to please – like the time I took her for a posh afternoon tea – she still manages to find fault. Why does she have to make life so hard?
Why can’t she chill out and simply enjoy life?
JANE SAYS: Could it be that your mum finds fault in order to feel relevant? As long as she complains then she has an audience and a voice. Have that all-important heart-to-heart.
Tell her that you’re on the same side; that family life isn’t a competition and that this constant sniping is exhausting. Explain you want to see her but may think twice in future if she can’t calm down and go with the flow. Is there anything she would like to get off her chest before you start afresh?
Do you have anything genuine to apologise for?
Queen of the spongers
An old pal expects to be invited to every night out and holiday I arrange. Her mantra is: “I’d love to come but I won’t be able to pay”. Up until now, three of us friends, have always clubbed together to cover her costs but why should we continue to do so when she never says, ‘thank you’?
JANE SAYS: New Year, new broom? If you feel that your friend has taken advantage for long enough then it’s time to start being honest about your own finances and limits.
I’d say that clubbing together and paying for someone else’s holidays is above and beyond the call of duty. Obviously, you don’t wish to embarrass her but try and find out how she’s fixed. Does she have any money for socialising?