JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels deceived by his adventurous girlfriend
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Share and share alike
I recently found an extensive stash of sex toys under my partner’s bed. My watch had fallen off the bedside table, and I was scrabbling around when I discovered a lidded box packed with adult accessories and tubes of lubrication. She was in the shower and curiosity got the better of me. I peeked inside.
To say I was shocked is an understatement. Her saucy adult aids must have all cost a fortune. We’ve never lived together and now I feel deceived. Why the secrecy? Why hasn’t she ever shared her haul with me? Aren’t I enough for her? Do I really know her at all?
JANE SAYS: Your partner is entitled to do whatever she fancies within the privacy of her bedroom during her alone times. This isn’t about you; it’s about her celebrating and being in touch with her own body.
Ask yourself this: If she doesn’t know what turns her on and works for her, then how can she achieve her full, sexual potential with you?
You don’t own her and need to get over yourself.
Do you run every decision you make regarding your body past her? Of course not. Respect her position and resist the urge to snoop in future – it’s not a good look…
He has no style
My boyfriend has a massive ego. He thinks he’s a world expert of every subject. Frequently he embarrasses me when he talks over people; boasts and contradicts my friends and family during social occasions.
At Christmas he had a massive row with my Dad, who is a very gentle soul, about India where my Dad lived for ten years and my boyfriend has never visited…
It was very embarrassing, especially when my brother turned to me and hissed: “Your bloke is a plonker” or words to that effect… Just lately my man has decided that I should be his project because he feels he knows what’s best for me. In bed I’m given constant pointers about how I could be sexier, edgier and more experimental.
Out of bed, if he doesn’t like what I’m wearing he sends me back upstairs to change. More than once he’s ‘joked’ about laying my clothes out in advance because he doesn’t approve of colours and styles I like.
In restaurants he orders for both of us. I don’t pretend to know about fine food and wine, but I know what I like, yet I’m never allowed to have it because he pays. He says I need to be prepared for the sophisticated life he plans for us. He’s a little older than I am and went to a posh school and university. Admittedly he’s well well-read I don’t consider myself completely unsophisticated.
My job is okay and I’m respected by colleagues, friends and family. He likes to preen that he’s educating me about films, books and culture and I should be grateful because he knows best. He’s prone to sulking when challenged. All too often I back down, to keep the peace.
That’s not right, is it?
JANE SAYS: There’s a saying I love: “When you look at someone through rose tinted glasses, then all the red flags just look like flags”. Your bolshy boyfriend claims to have your best interests at heart, but I hate the idea of him pushing you around. Maybe he is well read and educated but where are his manners? Where is his consideration or his kindness?
At no point do you mention loving him or having fun. It’s interesting that he’s considers himself so experienced and accomplished – bully for him – but you are not his project and cannot allow yourself to be overwhelmed and put down. I strongly suggest you invite him for an adult chat (wear the clothes you love and feel comfortable in) and simply tell him that you are your own person, with your own mind. Remind him that you functioned perfectly well before he came along and are well respected by a huge number of people in your life. Thank him for his interest in you but explain that it’s time to stop being patronising.
Sadly, if he doesn’t understand or accept that, then this budding control freak will need to go. The fact that he’s a sulker should be the biggest red flag of all. Get the support of your family in standing up for yourself. Never stop believing in yourself. Don’t lose sight of who you are and what your strengths are.
Sister Act
No one wants to invite my eldest sister to family events anymore. She’s become rude and abrasive. She says what she thinks and doesn’t care who she insults or offends. There are a couple of parties coming up that I know my sis is being excluded from.
What can I do when she’s her own person?
JANE SAYS: Does your sister speak out because she enjoys sparking a reaction? Does she love being the centre of attention? Can you gently encourage her to ‘dial it down’?
I suspect your family members simply wish to catch up and have fun. However, if her behaviour has become ‘challenging’ because she’s anxious or, even ill, then does she need to have a chat with her GP? Promise to try and understand and support her.