Ally Iseman has been in throuples over the past decade, now revealing how she is navigating the modern dating trend and the reason her mother sometimes won’t let her stay
Growing up Ally Iseman believed love meant finding one man, settling down and sticking with him for life. So for years she followed the pattern of serial monogamy: one partner at a time, then a break-up, then straight into the next relationship.
But for the past decade she has found happiness in throuples and polyamorous relationships, which have been wholesome, nourishing and fun, she says.
But they have also been an absolute nightmare when it comes to booking holidays. Ally, a certified relationship coach and writer, describes herself as polyamorous, which means having open intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time.
She currently has an American girlfriend Nic in LA, whom she’s been with for 18 months, and a newer British boyfriend, who prefers to remain anonymous, at home in the UK.
“People assume it must be complicated. But for me, it’s the opposite. Everything is out in the open,” Ally, 41, says of her two separate relationships over Zoom from her home in London. But it wasn’t always easy.
“Nic and I used to have a third partner and the three of us used to go away on holiday a lot together,” she says. “And it was really difficult. It is really hard to book rooms or travel for three. You get strange looks and comments and you can end up spending much more than you need to.
“Also, I’ve had some very judgy comments from people we’ve encountered. I’ve been both laughed at and propositioned on separate occasions. I’ve also been asked which one is my ‘real partner’ as well asked invasive sexual questions from complete strangers.”
Ally’s holiday-booking woes
- Rates for rooms are often the same price for one or two people, but increase with a third person, making hotel stays expensive
- Rental car insurance generally covers only two drivers, not three, without an additional fee
- When hotels say a room “sleeps three comfortably”, despite me checking via email and phone calls ahead of time that this means the bed is big enough, we usually turn up to find a cot or a weird small side bed for one of us.
- All-inclusive resorts and other excursions often sell couple’s packages for two people, so if we want to get a package for all three of us, we generally need to buy two packages as there is no +1 option. This means paying for four people, servings and seats when we only need three, which is expensive.
- Sitting next to each other while travelling is generally impossible unless we book months in advance. Finding two seats next to each other on a plane or train is much easier than finding three. I’ve found that if we ask a solo traveller if they wouldn’t mind moving so we can all sit together, they are generally less understanding, kind or apt to do so than they are when it’s just two of us making the same request.
- My own mother said she wasn’t comfortable hosting me with both of my partners because, and I quote: “I’m not interested in hosting a sex party.” She is fine if I stay there with either of them separately. This really hurt and made me uncomfortable with staying with her at all. Regardless of whether or not I attend events like sex parties with either or both of my partners (which I/we do), my relationship is not a sex party itself. This relationship is no more all about sex than any monogamous relationship is. Sex is one facet of my relationships, while an important one, not the sole focus.
Booking holidays can be complicated enough, but doing it for three can be a complete pain, Ally says, who has wasted unnecessary hours over the phone and at hotel reception desks arguing over services she’s been charged for but not used.
“It shouldn’t be too much to find a bed that comfortably sleeps three. I don’t like having to sit separately in transit, but I’m rather laid back about it overall,” she says.
“I don’t expect for a world that is built around mono-normative couples’ privilege to cater to something they may have absolutely no exposure to.
“But what I do have a problem with is when there is active judgment, especially when it comes to charging us more than what we actually need – four champagne breakfasts instead of three for example, because they can ‘only do it for couples’.
“Anything is possible once understanding is clear, and I know active bias when I see it.”
Ally is no longer in a triad; in her current relationship she is seen as the “hinge”. This is where her boyfriend and girlfriend are connected to each other through dating her but they are not dating each other.
So if she is invited to a wedding or event with a plus one, she has to go alone. “If any of us are invited to an event like a wedding, I will only attend if it’s just me or if I have a plus two as I will not be made to choose between my partners,” she says.
Ally started exploring less conventional relationships after she broke up with a boyfriend in 2016, when she turned to dating apps and found herself invited to a play party, which she describes “as a gathering of open people who may or may not engage sexually with their partner and/or others at the event”, in Los Angeles, where she lived at the time.
Since then she threw herself into the world of sex parties and continues to have an amazing time, Ally, founder of the inclusive relationship education platform Passport 2 Pleasure, says.
But being polyamorous isn’t about endless flings and sex parties, she says. Ally enjoys a number of deeply committed relationships at once, which, when everyone is on the same page, is surprisingly easy to manage.
“Our culture pushes the idea that one person should be your entire world. That’s a lot of pressure. Polyamory is more like relationship as community,” she says.
“There might be more calendars to manage, but there’s also way more support and sharing of resources and responsibilities. If something goes wrong with one partner, you’re not left isolated, you have multiple types of support systems.”
Would she ever give it up if someone asked her to be monogamous again?
“No. I can’t offer that. It’s like sexuality; it’s who I am and how I love. For me, commitment isn’t about being exclusive,” says Ally.
“It’s about showing up consistently. I’ll be there for you when you need me, I’ll communicate openly, I’ll build a life with you. That doesn’t change whether I’m with other people too.”
And she has no plans to have children. Ally knows many won’t understand her choices.
“Polyamory still feels taboo, and people assume it’s reckless,” she says. “But my relationships are actually less work than they used to be. The boundaries are clear. We deal with problems head-on. Nothing is hidden.”
After a decade of living this way, she says she feels more at home in herself than ever. “It’s not about sex parties or checklists anymore. It’s about living honestly, exploring openly, and loving fully. I know it’s not for everyone. But for me, it’s the most natural thing in the world.”
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