JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who longs for her boyfriend to dedicate himself to her – and her alone
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
A girl in every port
I’ve been sleeping with my partner for over ten years. But sometimes I don’t hear from him for weeks or even months on end. He has a busy life flying all over the world.
Once we were out of contact for a year while he was working in Australia. He didn’t think to phone or message once, and it broke my heart. My friends accuse me of being a pushover. They point out that he only rocks up when he’s bored and wants company and sex.
In the early days of our relationship, we were a proper couple. We have never lived together but we saw each other several times a week and visited restaurants and went on holidays like anyone else. But then he got a massive promotion at work (which he accepted without discussing with me first) and started travelling the globe. I get it that he loves his job but what about me? And what about any other women he meets along the way? Does he sleep his way around America and Singapore? Does he have a different girlfriend in every major city? Girls who are picked up and dropped down again just as I am? I’m a proud, hard-working person. I never imagined that I’d end up waiting for a man to phone me but that’s what I’ve become, and I hate myself for it. The problem is that I am still as obsessed with him as ever. When we ARE together the sex is still as hot, urgent and satisfying. It’s like we have angry ‘make up sex’ every time he lands on UK soil.
I want more than he can give me, and he knows that, but how can I move on when he still has an incredible hold over me? I know people laugh at me and call me a fool, but what can I do when he’s everything and I worship him? Surely, I’m allowed to hope that he’ll eventually see my worth and make me his forever – and only – lover? He’s currently in Thailand…
JANE SAYS: I understand that you have a blind spot as far as this long-term lover is concerned but what about your dreams and aspirations?
What about your sexual and mental health? The clock is ticking. Don’t you deserve love and stability? You may love him, but he doesn’t sound a very lovable person. He comes across as a self-entitled, unscrupulous user. Has he ever stopped to consider your feelings? I wonder if he’s ever asked how you’re doing. Why don’t you stop and listen to the people who genuinely care about you? If friends are frustrated by your behaviour, then why do you continue to make the same mistakes?
Surely this current separation must signify a fork in the road. You cannot continue to be his ‘British Babe’ when you strongly suspect he has other girls other ports. You deserve better. You must force yourself to build a new future and leave him behind because he’s done nothing but humiliate and hinder you.
How long do you think your friends are going to carry on supporting you if they’re already bored of this saga? Start being proactive and fill your lonely nights with hobbies and new challenges. Surprise him by being unavailable the next time he deigns to jet in.
Twisted Sister
My sister studied maths at university and considers herself the brain box of the family.
Whenever we do anything as an extended group; go on holiday; contribute to a gift, she acts as the treasurer. She pays the deposits, collects the funds and sorts out the bills. No one has ever thought to question her calculations.
The problem is that I’m convinced that she creams off a percentage for herself. I don’t drink. More than once, I’ve worked out that certain figures don’t add up in restaurants and bars. Dare I say something when she’s a strong character?
JANE SAYS: Trust your instincts and draw a line. Don’t make accusations you can’t back up but do insist on paying your own bills in future. If that makes you look difficult in the eyes of the family, that’s just too bad.
Your sister may think he’s onto a good thing – and that she deserves a ‘tip’ for her efforts – but nothing gives her the right to take a cut. Trust your instincts.
Confronting her could tricky if you don’t have precise facts and figures (i.e. proof) at your fingertips. if she’s as clever and arrogant as you suggest and you’re probably keen to avoid a scene or feud. Sadly, there are always people who are looking to take advantage. She might be a relative, but you must start being one step ahead.
Suited and booted
My boyfriend insists on buying expensive designer clothes for the sake of his image. He says you dress for the job you want and maintains that this habit is non-negotiable. Meanwhile, I’m struggling to pay for food and power and the essential jobs that need doing around the home.
How can he stand to be so selfish and egotistical when we’re literally getting by?
JANE SAYS: Your partner needs a reality check. His ego and image need to take a back seat because these are extraordinarily demanding times. Draw up a list of everything that needs doing and paying for and insist on a calm, sit down chat. Certain priorities need to be identified because you and he are a partnership.
Is he selfish in general? Is this relationship a good fit for you?