JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who despairs of her attention seeking, sex mad best friend
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She had the time of her life
I’m being put under pressure to drop my oldest friend. She behaved appallingly at my 30th birthday party. She turned up drunk, pranced around and made it all about her. Not only was she loud but she was rude too.
She did dirty dancing up against my brother, his best mate and my grandad, all of whom were disgusted and horrified. She drunkenly told my parents that she has always hated them – that they are stuck-up and annoying.
When it was time to cut my cake, I stood up to make a little speech and she heckled me throughout, calling me a ‘tart and a slag’ for a ‘joke’. Just as I was about to cut the first slice, she grabbed the knife out of my hands. She threw it on the floor and then gauged at the icing and sponge with her bare hands. She laughed like a drain as she threw handfuls of cake at my terrified guests. It was a massacre. People were running for their lives. Then she picked up a bottle of champagne and started spraying it around like in F1.
My cousin told her to (go away) and my mate threatened to fight her. The night ended with her having sex with three blokes in the ladies loo.
She and I caught up a week later and I laid my cards on the table. I told her she was selfish, boorish and a disgrace. Her response? She said: “I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time”. Then she added that it was a boring party and she was simply trying to lighten the mood”. She acted as if she was doing me a favour. She refused to take any responsibility or admit that she had ruined my big night. In fact, she virtually accused ME of losing my sense of humour. How does that work?
JANE SAYS: Your friend sounds like an out-of-control show off. She acted appallingly and let herself down. I’m sure that you and she have enjoyed many wild times over the years, but your 30th birthday was a special occasion.
I get the impression you wanted it to be tasteful and classy. However, she turned up (already drunk) and did her best to run a coach and horses through your carefully laid plans. Just how jealous is this woman of you? Could she genuinely not bear to see you at the centre of attention for one night? Coming out with a glib comment like: “I’m sorry you’re upset” is childish and unworthy of your friendship. Are you inclined to ask for another face-to-face meeting? Are you tempted to ask her if there something she needs to get off her chest?
You cannot dismiss that the fact that a lot of people you know and love were at your party and your ‘friend’ saw fit to insult and humiliate a fair number of them. How dare she insult your parents and compromise your grandfather. As for having sex with three guys in the ladies’ loo at the end of the night – she must be so proud of herself. I really do question whether your relationship survive this car crash.
Do you feel you’d be able to trust her again in future? How many chances does one person get. I suspect a lot of people are telling you that you’ve outgrown this individual – and I’m inclined to add my voice to that view.
He’s a bolter
It’s gradually dawning on me that my fiancé is not a man to be relied upon. Any time a problem arises in our rented home – broken tap, cranky boiler – he disappears. He has a ‘work call’ or family emergency and I’m left to sort, and pay, for everything.
Recently we had a problem with our water and the garage flooded. We were knee deep in filth. He simply didn’t want to know. My Dad was forced to come round and help me.
My guy looks good, he earns money and he’s entertaining but he’s not what I’d call dependable.
Should I marry him? I can already see myself planning our entire wedding and honeymoon on my own.
JANE SAYS: If alarm bells are already ringing, then you need to listen to them. The man is already irritating you, so how might things pan out long term? If he isn’t interested in pulling his weight, then is he going to continue to frustrate you?
Some people enjoy being in control but if you don’t feel supported or believe that he cares about your mental or financial limits, then is he the groom for you?
Talk to him today and explain how important this is.
Suggest ways in which you could work together as a team, but, if he continues to duck out, then will he always take advantage? Will you get frustrated and angry?
Great expectations
I earn a good salary. Sadly, my parents resent my lifestyle and feel I should subsidise them. Recently, my mother snapped: “You’d better be ready to book us a decent summer holiday. We fancy Spain or Turkey. All inclusive.” It’s the arrogant attitude that gets me.
How do I stop myself from becoming increasingly angry?
JANE SAYS: Level with your parents about what you can do for them, so that everyone knows where they stand. Talk to them about attitude and expectations. Could you offer to go through their incomings and outgoings with them? Would making a one-off payment give them a sum to budget with?
Ultimately, you’re not obliged to do anything and must consider your own obligations and limits. Of course, you’re grateful to them for bringing you up but when does the gratitude end?