The 8 delicate indicators your associate is dishonest on you, revealed by a relationship professional who’s helped tons of of {couples}. You’ve by no means been instructed about these earlier than – and so they’re the OPPOSITE of what you’d anticipate: ANNABELLE KNIGHT

In my role as a couples counsellor and relationship coach, I’ve helped hundreds of people facing marital problems.

Often, there has been no catastrophic event – such as infidelity – that has led them to seek my services, rather a gradual breakdown in communication and intimacy.

But just because they haven’t come to me with concerns about cheating, doesn’t mean that both partners are faithful – or that an affair isn’t likely.

You may think you’d know at once if your spouse was cheating, or was capable of doing so – but the signs can be far more subtle than you think.

Plus, they’re surprisingly easy to miss when you’re seeing someone every day and are accustomed to their behaviour.

But from my informed and impartial seat on the other side of the table, there are some dead giveaway behaviours that tell me someone has something to hide.

And you don’t have to be at the point of requiring couples counselling for these problems to arise.

Here, I give you a rare chance to sit in the counsellor’s chair, and see your relationship through my eyes. If any of this sounds familiar, it may be time to consider if your partner is as faithful as you think…

TRYING TO CONTROL THE NARRATIVE

I refer to ‘add-to’ statements. Does one partner allow the other to speak briefly, before adding to what they’re saying to control the narrative or switch it to their viewpoint?

While this may put on a show of unity and collaborative effort, I see it as one partner’s efforts to control my impression of their relationship – and influence their partner’s perspective on events.

Think about how your partner acts when talking to mutual friends or family. Does he never let you speak without adding to what you’re saying? Consider why he might be so desperate to control perceptions of your relationship.

ALWAYS AGREEING WITH YOUR VIEW

You might be happy if your previously argumentative or defensive partner has started accepting your point of view during disagreements.

But this can be a classic deflection tactic. Arguments rarely stick to the topic they started on, and to avoid touching on uncomfortable subjects, cheating partners may choose to roll over and accept your perspective to end the fight.

If your partner shows a sudden burst of cooperation in difficult conversations, you may wonder why he’s suddenly so happy to indulge you.

COMPLAINING ABOUT THEIR ‘BOUNDARIES’

Psychology-speak is embedded in the vernacular these days, from ‘triggering’ to ‘trauma’ and that favourite word, ‘boundaries’.

Let me be clear – there’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries for what you want within a relationship.

But when someone starts to demand unrealistic levels of privacy under the guise of ‘boundaries’ – not letting you ever go near their phone, for example – I start to wonder what they’re hiding.

LOOK OUT FOR POSITIVE REACTIONS

Negative reactions are much easier to mask than positive ones. Our bodies are socially tuned to know that negative emotions, like anger and sadness, make people uncomfortable, so we’re used to masking them in public.

But positive reactions are harder to hold back. If you’ve been talking about the amount of time your husband spends in the gym, he’ll likely be able to control himself. But once you move off the topic, he might show relief or become more open – as there’s no longer any danger of you touching on his affair with his personal trainer.

OVER-SHARING ELABORATE DETAILS

You may think a partner with something to hide would stay schtum. But, in fact, those who are lying to their loved ones can share too much.

If your partner is over-explaining, giving elaborate stories with details you can corroborate to explain where they’ve been or who they’re texting – the conference was in a beautiful hotel just outside of town, and I saw a celebrity in reception just before dinner – this is a red flag. If you’re being fed vats of new information, then your brain will be focusing on processing this rather than picking holes in their story.

So consider why they’re bombarding you. The truth doesn’t require nearly as much scaffolding as a lie.

THEY’RE BEING TOO SARCASTIC

I’m always suspicious when someone is sarcastic or jokey in my sessions. It’s a classic deflection tactic to avoid delving into deep or uncomfortable emotions –which could reveal infidelity –and shows me that they aren’t taking efforts to fix their relationship seriously.

This also applies to serious conversations you might have at home – do they always try to defuse the situation without engaging with your concerns?

MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF SMALL SLIGHTS

While we may see cheaters as evil, careless sociopaths, often they’re just cowardly people who want the excitement of dating someone new alongside the stability of a long-term relationship. Often they simply don’t have the courage to end the old relationship.

To make themselves feel more justified in their infidelity, cheaters will often frame their partner as the ‘bad guy’, creating imagined slights, like the amount of time you spend with a male friend.

If I see one partner framing the other as the villain in every scenario, I start to wonder what they may be hiding.

HOLDING BACK IN THERAPY AND AT HOME

Let’s face it: if you’re at the point of couples counselling, you’ve paid a fair amount of money for a session.

So, if someone remains closed off, I start to wonder what they have to hide, or what they’re scared of giving away. Even if you aren’t in therapy, you should consider if your partner seems reticent.

Body language is a big clue. If I see muscles tensed and veins popping or a bulge in the neck when someone’s clenching their jaw, I become suspicious. Or do they look at you like a deer in headlights, not blinking and steadying their breath?

This is called freeze-framing, classic behaviour when someone gets caught in a lie.

Think on it, especially if every time you speak about his ‘work wife’, secretary or new friend from the gym, the veins on his arms start popping.

As told to Olivia Dean.