JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is struggling to understand what she means to her man
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Threesome with his boss
My lying, cheating man has half a dozen other lovers besides me.
I had no idea that he was a rat until a woman came up to me in the street and thrust a piece of paper in my hand. She muttered that she was a ‘concerned friend’. On the page she had carefully written the names of various other women.
I thought it was a joke and told her that she was mad. But then I began to feel quite sick. I went straight to his place with a dry mouth and a thumping heart.
I banged on the door but got no answer. Then another woman came along. She said that she was looking for a particular guy too. We got chatting and gradually began to realise that we were talking about the SAME man. I showed her my piece of paper, and her name was on it. I vomited in the gutter.
Since then, she and I have joined forces in finding out all we can about this rodent. We’ve been scanning the Internet and found other women who also thought that they were ‘the only one’.
Suddenly the scales have fallen from my eyes, and everything is clear. No wonder he could never stay at my flat after making love. No wonder I’ve never met any of his family members. Of course I’ve confronted him – we all have – but he’s still lying and trying to wriggle his way out of trouble.
What really upsets me is that I’ve been having extreme sex with this man. I’ve done some very kinky things. A few weeks ago, I agreed to a threesome with him and his boss. I’ve given myself to him completely and he’s thrown it all back in my face. How am I ever going to trust anyone again?
JANE SAYS: There’s no denying you’ve had a horrible shock and feel humiliated, but you’ve got to start thinking about this man in the past tense. He’s no longer ‘your man’ because he’s not anyone’s man. He is obviously someone who gets a massive ego boost and a thrill from sleeping around and promising all sorts of things to all sorts of women.
There’s no getting away from the fact that you’ve been very hurt and let down by this rat. He is a serial rogue – and a nasty liar with it. But at least you now know the truth. Look at the positives: You still have your mind, your home and your money – he hasn’t destroyed you.
You are now free to move on and start again. Of course, you feel embarrassed and hurt, but you can’t allow him to blight your future – or he will have won. Draw strength from the other women you’ve met, but don’t dwell. Vow to learn from this episode. In future, if something doesn’t feel right to you; if stories simply don’t add up then trust your instincts. It goes without saying that you can’t have any more to do with him, no matter how much he begs, because he just can’t be trusted.
The reality is that he’ll ultimately end up a sad, washed-out husk – and who needs that kind of loser in their life?
I very much doubt if he’s at peace or even likes himself very much.
High and dry
My daughter has announced that her son is going to boarding school. He is sporty and has achieved a scholarship, which I’m thrilled about. But this move means that I’ll be out of pocket. For years she’s paid me to look after him and run her house. Now she no longer needs me and my money will stop. I’m devastated.
My regular bit of cash is nothing to her, but it’s everything to me. She says that I’ll still be welcome to visit as ‘Granny’, but there will be no more payments.
JANE SAYS: You and your daughter must find a compromise.
Go back to her and explain that this dismissal is too sudden. She’s got to give you more notice so that you can find yourself another source of income. You’re family and it’s only fair. I wonder if there is something else behind your daughter’s decision to ‘dismiss’ you so suddenly. Has there been a difference of opinion? Admittedly your grandson is starting a new chapter in his life, but is there something else you could be doing for her while you start looking? Be prepared to say sorry if boundaries have been crossed and, above all, work hard to keep your family on speaking terms and together.
Nothing is precious
I’ve got a horrible feeling that my lodger is wearing my clothes. When he arrived here, he told me he worked in an office, but the truth is he operates from my kitchen while I’m out. I’ve noticed that my pants, bras and dresses are often messed up. I want to say something, but this is so awkward.
JANE SAYS: Do you need to lay a trap? Do you need to arrange your gear in a certain way? If you discover that it’s been moved again, then speak to your lodger about privacy and his habits. You are entitled to shut your bedroom door every morning and not expect anyone to touch your stuff – let alone try it on. If he can’t behave himself, or respect your privacy, then he’ll have to leave.