JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels shortchanged by a guy who has all the fun
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If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
One way traffic
It turns me on to see my fella making love to other women. I find willing partners for him through dating apps. The other weekend we had four different women through here over 48 hours.
The only problem is that he won’t approve of me having other male lovers (although he’s okay with women) I don’t think that is fair, do you?
JANE SAYS: Yours is an unequal relationship. Your fella does whatever makes him happy, but balks at you enjoying the same privileges. You need to thrash this out with him. I’m by no means advocating sex without responsibility but worry that his controlling ways could spill over into other aspects of your relationship.
What’s sauce for the goose? Move on if this arrangement isn’t working or isn’t making you happy.
He’s giving me nothing
I’m pulling my hair out. I’m so frustrated by the father of my son. I got pregnant in 2018. We hardly knew each other, but he vowed to support me. At first, he was a brilliant dad. He never moved in with us full-time, he used to give me cash, take our son out and help out with appointments.
But now I barely see him for dust.
He’s taken up with an ex-lover (who is now also pregnant with his child) and spends most of his time at her place.
At one time he promised me the world; he said that we’d buy a great house and grow old together. He promised me a big car, diamond earrings and designer stuff for the baby.
But now I can hardly get him on the end of a phone. To make things worse, his horrible new partner keeps calling me up and telling me to back off. He never even officially finished with me, yet she’s acting like his minder.
He and I first met when I was still married to my ex-husband. I was at a party with friends and knew him by his (bad boy) reputation. He looked into my eyes and said: “We’re destined to be together.
Yet once my divorce came through, he went cold on me. Eventually we fell into bed after he came to borrow some money. I got pregnant very quickly and he accused me of deliberately trapping him.
That’s how our relationship has continued to be over the years; up one minute and down the next. But I’m very much down in the doldrums at the moment and just don’t understand how he can be so distant and mean.
JANE SAYS: Your on-off partner has a duty of care towards his son. Make sure that he’s paying all the maintenance the law requires of him and sees him on a regular basis. Point out that if he doesn’t then both he and your son will be the losers.
Talk to a solicitor or someone at your local branch of the Citizen’s Advice Bureau if you’re confused.
Then have a long think about the future. The fact is that you can’t live the rest of your life waiting for him to come through the front door. You must get on with the business of appreciating and cherishing your son and realising your potential.
Put the debt, the broken marriage and all the disappointments behind you and work out how you wish to proceed from here on.
Turn to other family members for help. Hold your hands up; admit you’ve made mistakes and put your son first. You’re not the first woman to be taken in by a silver-tongued charmer and you won’t be the last.
Sadly, if he is so unreliable and selfish that he has decided that his new woman is his priority now, then you’ll just have to accept that. You can’t physically force him to be with you and yours, but you can retain your dignity and self-respect by rising above his pettiness by vowing to be the more mature and better person. And a great mum.
She’s so rude
I don’t know if I afford to stay with my girlfriend any longer. She loves luxury weekends away and expensive gifts. She expects me to look amazing all time in great clothes and fresh trainers. She never puts her hand in her pocket yet complains like stink if waiting staff don’t dance around her. On her birthday I wasted a fortune on a meal she barely touched. She just drank. Now she’s banging on about me booking a luxury trip to Dubai. I have a job but I’m not wealthy. How do I get her to sober up and come back down to earth?
JANE SAYS: I urge you to take stock of your life. I’m sure that you’re proud to have your girl on your arm, but you cannot allow her to ruin you. Everyone has their spending limit and you’re just about to hit yours. You can’t afford to keep splashing out on expensive treats, because you’re not a rich man and your girl is never going to catch you if you fall. Face it; she’s a chancer and a user.
Tell her today that everything must change. Swallow your pride and admit that you’re broke. If she’s shallow enough to then dump you, then so be it, but you can’t continue to dig yourself into an ever deeper pit of debt for the sake of image.
Jealous of my kitchen
A neighbour has turned against me. We used to be close, enjoying lunches and drinks.
Once we even went on holiday together. But then I got a new kitchen and a new car. Since then, I’ve become the enemy. She’s sarcastic and rude every time I attempt to chit chat. Recently, at a street gathering, I made a huge effort to crack the ice, but all she could manage were blunt ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers to my enquiries. I walked away feeling humiliated. Should I tell her that she makes me feel bad?
JANE SAYS: Sometimes we just must accept that we annoy and upset others. Clearly your neighbour is miffed because you’re doing well.
You’ve tried repeatedly to make things up with her. But if all she can do is throw your olive branches back in your face, then you must give her the space she craves. I’ve got a horrible feeling that you deeply annoy her now, so get on with your own life. She knows where you are. You’re simply neighbours, so concentrate on your daily tasks and leave her to get on with hers. There’s no point in telling her that you feel bad, because that, presumably, is what she wants…