Your husband has just retired, and without the stress of work, plus the well-earned freedom after years of toil, you imagine this will be a fresh, exciting time for the both of you.
How wrong you are.
Suddenly there’s no escape from his surprisingly irritating habits: he’s under your feet like a sausage dog minus the cuteness; he expects you to do everything for him, even though he’s at home too, and your daily resentment-fuelled rows are making you seriously doubt your marriage has a future.
Well, what you’re suffering has a name: ‘Retired Husband Syndrome’, with common symptoms including insomnia, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and, ultimately, divorce.
In Japan, this is particularly common, with an estimated 60 per cent of women experiencing it. There it’s apparently characterised by the resentment felt when a wife is expected to organise her husband’s empty social life despite already having a full routine and friends of her own. Recognise that one?
No wonder so-called Silver Splitters are on the rise.
According to the Office for National Statistics, the number of couples divorcing in their 60s has increased by 75 per cent in the past 20 years
According to the Office for National Statistics, the number of couples divorcing in their 60s has increased by 75 per cent in the past 20 years. And reportedly, a third of midlife women who’ve ended their marriage are ‘happier than ever’.
Before you pick up the phone to the family law firm, however, what of the two-thirds of women who, presumably, aren’t happier than ever?
Could it be that throwing the (adult) baby out with the bathwater isn’t always the best option?
Here our brilliant experts – couples therapist Joanna Harrison, and divorce lawyer Liz Fletcher – advise on why Retired Husband Syndrome afflicts so many couples, and what you can do to turn an ailing later-life marriage from the brink of divorce into one glowing with health… It’s a bigger change than you both think.
‘It is quite common that people separate around retirement age,’ says Liz, solicitor, mediator and a director at Family Law In Partnership.
Retirement often precipitates a marriage crisis because couples underestimate what a vast change it is, says Joanna, who is also an ex-divorce lawyer and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have.
She says: ‘I do see a lot of couples seeking help at this time. For the person who’s retiring, it can be a huge shift. It’s a change of identity, purpose, rhythm, routine – and it has a huge impact on their partner.’
Liz adds ‘retirement is a bit like a bereavement’ because he is mourning what is effectively the death of his working life.
But, notes Joanna, if he’s gone from full-time work to watching daytime TV and not emptying the dishwasher, ‘the way of life that the non-retiring person had carved out is also under threat’.
Your plans are incompatible
Retirement ideas often don’t match up, says Joanna. ‘One wants to travel, one wants to be near the grandchildren. Or he hopes that she’ll retire too, but she very much wants to carry on working.’
You can feel distant from your spouse if they’re not sympathetic.
‘In cases I’ve had,’ adds Liz, ‘often one person is embarking on this super-exciting new third-age life, and the other wants something more settled, quiet, comfortable, family-orientated.’
It isn’t always the man wanting a quiet life, but Liz sees cases where ‘the woman is not ready to take on more caring. She wants to have an adventure’.
If he feels lost and lonely it can lead to affairs (on either side).
‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ might be a cliché, blaming her for his refusal to open up – but if he’s feeling lost and unappreciated, he might look elsewhere for a confidence boost.
‘I’ve seen men in their 60s act on that feeling,’ says Joanna. ‘They might think: “My partner doesn’t seem to have noticed that I’ve retired, is carrying on with her life, isn’t interested in me – is there anyone who is?”’ This life stage can stir up fears about health or death too, she adds.
It can put pressure on the relationship and if you don’t communicate, he – or she – might look outside of the marriage to find comfort.
Financial issues can suddenly loom large
‘Increased time together, and perhaps an empty nest, means that issues that have been swept under the carpet become more obvious,’ says Joanna.
‘Retirement can reveal the lack of intimacy emotionally or physically.’
It can also be a flashpoint for money worries – and disagreements. Liz says: ‘When retirement income is tight or not as much as they hoped, this can put pressure on the couple and perhaps lead to frustrations about whether they can retire the way they imagined.’
Retirement often precipitates a marriage crisis because couples underestimate what a vast change it is, says couples therapist Joanna Harrison
Divorce lawyer Liz Fletcher says: ‘When retirement income is tight or not as much as they hoped, this can put pressure on the couple’
You find there’s a loss of attraction
Whether or not you work, it can feel reassuring to have a husband with a strong working identity – and now that’s gone, what do you still find attractive?
‘Your partner got up every morning and went into the world with pride, and to see them not have a purpose may be a loss for you too,’ says Joanna. ‘It can touch on deeper fears. “Are we going to be OK?”’
Certainly what most women don’t want is ‘to manage his retirement for him, take on the emotional load of how he’s feeling or think of things for him to do’.
It can prompt panic about the time left
Regardless of the woman’s working status, when your husband retires, says Joanna, ‘people start to reflect on priorities’.
‘There is a sense of “the time I have left is not unlimited.” They realise that retirement is an opportunity for a whole new chapter and ask themselves, “how do I want to spend it?”’
That question can unsettle marriages, particularly if their husband’s plans don’t align with theirs. Liz says: ‘I see many couples divorcing when retirement is about to happen. The date is set, you’re making plans, choices and decisions – and women are thinking, “I don’t want this.”’
Sharing space all the time tests a marriage
‘Being together all the time domestically is difficult,’ says Joanna. ‘Any power struggles or annoyances have a stage to be acted out on all day long, whereas when your husband was working you had a bit of respite.’
Some women are unsettled by their partner being in ‘their’ space (‘let’s do the supermarket shop together’) and having opinions on ways to do things around the house.
Alternatively, ‘they may have hoped that finally their partner will take more of a share domestically but their partner has other ideas’.
How to stop the rot
Recognise how much of a crisis this can be.
‘Some men may never have had any identity other than around their work,’ says Joanna.
‘His social life might have been especially linked to the office and he’ll want his partner to be sympathetic. If she’s not interested, it can feel like a betrayal. He can feel alone and unsupported.’
‘People can forget to be curious or to keep up with each other,’ she adds. ‘You’ve been together 40 years and think you know them, but they’re shifting.
‘Treat this as something that is happening to both of you and to the relationship, not just to the person retiring.
‘You can’t just step into retirement and expect everything to carry on as normal.’
Don’t joke about him being like another child at home
‘Often women joke they’ve got another child around the house,’ says Joanna. ‘But he needs help, not ridicule.’
The couple may have an unspoken ‘contract’ that the man isn’t ‘needy’. So if he’s now depressed, or helpless, ‘it can rock the marriage’, she adds.
The woman feels alarmed that her once-powerful working husband seems lost, low, and ‘lazy’. But it’s not laziness – he’s struggling and ‘it’s a lot to cope with on his own,’ says Joanna.
Neither feels considered, and resentment builds.
Liz advises: ‘If he’s defined himself by his professional role for 40 years and now he’s just another retired person, that is a massive change, and if his partner lacks understanding, it puts huge pressure on a marriage.
‘Be compassionate to each other. And be honest about how you feel.’
Don’t expect to have it all worked out
Expect teething problems in retirement, says Joanna.
‘Ask yourselves: “How are we going to change our lives into the shape we want?”’ And share what you’re finding hard – for instance, you might have different expectations about your sex life.
‘One person might be thinking, “We have no kids around, more time, no worries about contraception, that’s great.” The other might not.’
Another common issue is that the empty nest needs mourning. ‘If a couple aren’t able to express how they feel about these things, they may feel let down by each other,’ she adds.
‘Be brave enough to communicate, re-evaluate, compromise, and be creative. ‘If one wants to sail around the world, and the other doesn’t – maybe they could arrange to meet at every port.’
Boost your sex life, spend time apart
If you’re always together, you lose your sense of your partner as separate, says Joanna.
‘That can impact a couple’s sex life, as they’ll feel less interested in each other.’ Bonding habits like ‘kissing each other when you get home’ fall by the wayside if you’re always together. She suggests that the retired husband finds some autonomy, ‘something for himself in the outside world’ like a new hobby or voluntary role. When you’re both out and about, you create opportunities to reconnect.
‘You’re bringing back your different experiences. You’ve got an identity you share, but there’s more of an exchange.’
Help him redirect that CEO energy
He may have been the boss at work, says Joanna. ‘But home is not the place to flex those muscles. They need a different outlet – it doesn’t go well when a manager stops work and starts bossing everyone around at home.
‘It can create a very unpleasant atmosphere.’
Plus, notes Liz: ‘If he’s a bit lost and unfocused, he might search for something in its place, and sometimes that could be an affair.’
The question to ask, says Joanna, is ‘How do you help each other, and be thoughtful?’
Consider it an opportunity to communicate and work as a team, and you’ll become more intimate. ‘If you both feel understood, and that you’re working hand in hand to negotiate what you both want, that could bode well for the next chapter.’
‘Plan it, think about it, talk about it,’ says Liz. ‘If you are able to talk, and plan a life that takes account of what you both want, you’re far less likely to end up separating.’
Joanna adds: ‘Listen to your partner’s ideas, even if they alarm you. Retirement requires a whole renegotiation between the couple of what life is.’