JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who worries that she and her guy won’t go the distance
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We don’t agree on anything
My boyfriend and I are an odd couple. We only have one thing in common – and that’s sex. We share a sexual chemistry that is out of this world. The minute we’re naked together our relationship makes sense. I know how to turn him on, and he knows how to make me scream. We frequently spend entire weekends in bed together getting out only to eat and pee.
We literally eat each other up and there’s nothing that either of us won’t try. From bondage and sex toys to every position under the sun our tastes are perfectly matched. But, apart from sex, we don’t agree on anything. We eat different food and have different political opinions. We hate each other’s families and friends. It’s only when we fall into bed together that we click.
He’s slept with over twenty other women during the three years we’ve been together and I must have had the same number of men.
We both agree that we’re made for each other in bed but poles apart out of it – and that’s frustrating because ours isn’t a complete relationship. If we go out for the night we can’t even agree on a restaurant or bar. I like spicy food and loud places, whereas he’s a country pub and a pie man.
Now his employer is relocating a hundred miles away. My guy will get a generous relocation allowance. He’s (sort of) asked me if I want to move with him. On the one hand I don’t know if I could stand to live without his touch, but on the other, we could just end up driving each other up the wall. Basically, it’s only the sex keeps us together.
JANE SAYS: Would you even say that you are in love with each other? The reality is that you and your guy don’t have a complete relationship. You aren’t soul mates and don’t have anything in common.
Yes, I get it that the sex is great, but there must be more to an adult relationship than the physical aspect. If you take up his offer (which I get the impression that he’s only made because he feels he should) then would you be happy with only him by your side? If you don’t like each other’s families; if you can’t agree on something as basic as the food you put in your mouths, then aren’t you going to find yourself very lonely and very isolated?
You casually mention that you’ve jointly had over 40 other partners in three, short years. That’s not good. I get the impression that you keep getting back together again out of habit, but neither of you make the other genuinely happy. I suggest you wave him off and wish him good luck with his new life. Then give yourself a chance to calm down and simply get him out of your system. How can you find someone new to love when he’s always in the background?
When you’re ready to start dating again, then keep an open mind and remember that no one is perfect and that compromise must be an important factor in any successful relationship.
The great stink
My partner has gone into a massive sulk because I refuse to sell my house and move in with her. She’s terrible with money and her mortgage is in arrears. Basically, she wants the profit from my place to clear her debts. I relish my privacy and told her at the start of our four-year relationship that I prefer to live alone. I’m being bombarded with messages from her friends and family who are telling me that I’m being selfish.
They say that I need to show my commitment. I have offered to go through her accounts with her and even organise a bank loan but, apparently, that’s not good enough.
JANE SAYS: Your sulky partner sounds desperate and frightened. Her house could be in danger of being repossessed and she sees you as her only hope. But you have been open from the start and if you’re not interested in selling your home and moving in with her, then that’s your choice. You must trust your instincts and do whatever you feel is right.
It’s your money and you’re not responsible for anyone else’s debts. I don’t feel that you’re being unreasonable at all, so you mustn’t allow other people to bully you or get to you. Send your partner a message asking to meet on neutral ground. Promise to go through her paperwork again and tell her to check out the ‘debt’ section at themoneycharity.org.uk
Keeping up appearances
I have an open relationship with my man.
What concerns me, however, is that I am the only woman in his life. All of his other partners are male.
He and I stopped sleeping together four years ago after I had a major operation. We live together, share the same bed and have a joint account, but he is free to come and go as he pleases. I’ve just made a new friend who has suggested that I’m nothing but a front; that he’s using me for respectability. It’s true that his parents and boss know nothing of his secret life. Am I being used?
JANE SAYS: Suddenly you’re looking at your partner in a new light and questioning everything about the special relationship you have. Do you feel as though you’re being used; that you’re nothing but your partner’s walker or cover story?
How would you feel if you and he split up tomorrow and your whole life, as you know it, changed forever? Insist on speaking to your man again so that you can begin to understand what’s going on in his head. Could you and he start having sex again? Would he be prepared to give up everyone else for you?
Toe sucker
My girlfriend demands I give her oily massages. She likes me to suck her toes, talk dirty and tell her that she’s fantastic. Only she will not do anything nice for me. I enjoy mutual masturbation and oral sex, yet she won’t contemplate my needs. Any time I ask her for a treat, she says she’s too tired. I don’t think that’s fair, do you?
JANE SAYS: Pick your moment and state your case. Insist that you both look at where you’re going wrong and introduce some well-needed give-and-take. It sounds like your girlfriend is being selfish and entitled. She’s more than happy to receive pleasure and attention, but she’s not so keen to give it back. However, if she’s not willing to meet you halfway, then are you really suited?