JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who can no longer relax in his own home
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Slap and tickle
My 25-year old son is a player and a stud. He brings all sorts of girls back here for sex. I can’t get into the bathroom for strange women using the shower (often with him in there too). And I can’t sleep for the squeals, slaps and headboard-thumping coming from his bedroom. It’s like Piccadilly Circus in there with one girl leaving and another turning up an hour later. He’s a good looking and popular lad and treats dating apps like a full time job.
Recently, I was making toast and coffee in the kitchen when a scantily clad girl walked in.
She helped herself to orange juice, an apple and a peach and cleared off without a word. I shouted a sarcastic “good morning’ and she looked at me like I was the problem. I’m sick of being embarrassed in my own home.
JANE SAYS: Sounds like it’s time for some strict house rules. Your Gen Z son needs to hear that your home is not an easy-come-easy-go motel. Tell him that you’re sick of being inconvenienced and disrespected. One, full-time girlfriend staying over is one thing, but a stream of strangers is not on. Suggest he gets his own place if he’s so determined to play the field. You need your privacy and your sanctuary.
She pushes it
My jumpy girlfriend is doing my head in.
Unfortunately, her reaction to anything different is to lash out first – and ask questions later.
Recently we visited my friend’s town for an engagement party. My girl had a lot to drink and was flirting with an older man. All I did was take her arm and gently suggest we start making tracks. With that she spun round and pushed me over. I fell over a chair and hurt my arm.
My mates and their partners couldn’t believe what they were seeing and threatened to call the police. Luckily, I managed to calm everyone down, but now one of my oldest pals is still threatening to visit a solicitor on my behalf and I just don’t need this.
My girl insists she’s sorry. She says that we must put this behind us. If anything, she’s accusing me of making a fuss over nothing. The problem is that even when she’s happy, and I’ve made her laugh, she ‘rewards’ me with a punch on the arm of a blow to the belly, which totally winds me.
She’s a bubbly woman with a sharp brain and a demanding job. She dresses well and keeps herself fit, but she treats me like her own, personal punch bag. She also takes her frustrations out on me after a long day at work and regularly reduces me to despair with her criticisms withering put downs.
But it’s when she gets physically violent that I start to panic. She argues that it’s a natural reflex with her; if someone upsets her then she sees red and retaliates before thinking. So, how come she doesn’t thump her boss, or annoying people in the street? How come I’m always the one who suffers?
JANE SAYS: This horrible woman needs to hear that her nonsense ends right here and now. You’ve got to walk away and not look back. Your mates are right; she does need reporting to the police, and they are quite correct in talking about solicitors and the law. The reality is that nothing gives this violent woman the right to lash out and hurt you. She’s bang out of order and needs restraining and professional help.
Surely that engagement party, where you were humiliated and abused, in front of everyone was the final straw?
What more does she have to do before you finally accept that she’s a bully and a thug?
What you can’t do is give her any more chances because who knows what she might be capable of next? Tell her that you can’t possibly see her ever again and then go to your mates and get their support in bringing this matter out into the open.
I know it might be embarrassing going to the police and admitting that you’ve been abused but think about the bigger picture.
Think about stopping her before she goes on to hurt someone else. Domestic abuse is a serious matter – whether it’s aimed at women or men – and there is no shame in telling the truth.
Let it go
My ex-husband and I divorced in 2022, yet he never stops moaning about his terrible life.
Nothing is ever his fault. I still have him on the phone complaining about his lot. He blames me for destroying his dreams. If we hadn’t married and had children (now 17 and 18) then he would have travelled the world and become rich. Apparently, we stopped him from achieving his potential. This is all rubbish, of course. His life is pants because he doesn’t work hard enough and shirks responsibility. How do I stop him being so annoying?
JANE SAYS: Your ex-husband needs to have it pointed out to him that you are his former wife. You and he no longer live together, and your children are young adults
Be firm and explain that his life is in his hands now.
He’s not to hound, embarrass or blame you again because you have enough on your plate.
If his calls to you are a cry for help, then strongly encourage him to visit his GP for a chat about his mental health and how he’s looking after himself. Can his family and friends be encouraged to support him?
Of course, he should have a strong and meaningful relationship with your children, but you are not his guardian. Encourage him to speak to The Samaritans (116 123) if he ever feels desperate and doesn’t know where to turn.
Money honey
My new boyfriend wants a long-term loan of £6,000. He needs this money to get his ex-partner off his back. Can I risk this? My mates think he should get stuffed. He knows I have considerable savings, but I think that he’s a decent person.
The problem is that he left his ex for me at Christmas and now she’s banging on about unpaid bills. We want her out of our hair for good. He’s a great lover and a good laugh. The time we spend together is wonderful.
Why shouldn’t I trust him?
JANE SAYS: This bloke has sussed out that you have savings and is all over you like a rash. Do not allow him to abuse your generous nature or bleed you dry. If he’s so wonderful then why did he leave his ex-partner with £6,000 worth of bills and debts?
Why isn’t he working like stink to clear everything he owes? Tell him ‘no’. If that means that he walks away, then you so be it.
Alternatively, he can turn to his bank, his family or friends for a loan. I worry that you leapt into this relationship without knowing anything him. What other problems has he failed to mention? Asking for money is always a red flag.