JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is sick of her husband messing around with the foxy chick from next door
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Burn baby burn
My neighbour’s daughter has returned home after travelling for eight months. She’s bored and broke. She’s 23 and very attractive. My husband works from home and has offered to coach/mentor her.
But it seems that every time my back is turned, she’s in here making herself a cup of tea or getting him to do something for her. He’s a good soul and she’s taking advantage of him. If he’s not working on her CV, then he’s helping her to apply for jobs. I don’t trust her. I think she’s a trouble-making flirt.
The other day she was in here showing him her Judo moves on the front room carpet. They were both on the floor together, red-faced and disheveled. I ordered her out. That night as he was getting into bed I noticed that my man had massive carpet burns all up his back and bum. He claimed nothing naughty had gone on.
I keep telling him to him to ease off, but then he accuses me of being paranoid. Am I?
JANE SAYS: You need to trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, then you need to put your foot down.
Your man must hear that this is serious. Remind him that you have eyes and ears and don’t like the way this association with your young neighbour is going. Yes, it’s kind of him to mentor her but enough is enough.
Your home must be your sanctuary, and she can’t swan in and out at will.
Doesn’t he care about your feelings? Doesn’t he understand that the pair of them are now annoying and disrespecting you? It’s time for her to clear off and leave your family alone – and that’s an order…
First world problems
My rich half-sister has it all.
Yet all she ever does is moan about how busy, tired and stressed she is. It’s completely escaped her notice that I live on the breadline. She rings me every day to off-load.
If she’s not complaining about her cleaner or sports car, then she’s whingeing about how much sex her husband demands a night. I try to like her and give her the benefit of the doubt, but the truth is that she gets on my nerves. Is it acceptable to drop a relative?
JANE SAYS: None of us know what goes on behind closed doors. If the price she pays for fast cars and flash houses is unpleasant sex with a demanding partner, then do you really envy her life? It always sets my alarm bells ringing when someone says that they’re constantly tired and stressed. Could she be suffering from some level of depression? Perhaps you should arrange to meet her for a cup of tea and tell her, face-to-face, that you’re concerned for her mental health. Would she consider speaking to a health professional? Tell her that you’re happy to support her but need your relationship to be more equal with more respect and give-and-take in future.
Kiss and tell
I’ve been warned that my sister-in-law is sleeping with her boss and making a fool of my brother.
She tells him she’s on business trips, when, in reality, she’s holed up in cheap hotels having sordid sex. I have confronted her about this, and she’s threatened to call me a liar and ruin me if I say a word. What do I do?
JANE SAYS: That’s fighting talk from your sister-in-law. How exactly would she ruin you? I don’t think you should say anything to your brother unless you’re sure of your facts. If you are, and still think he deserves to hear the truth, then stick your neck out and tell him. But do be mindful of the fact that he might already know or might not take kindly to being humiliated or embarrassed.
Emotional rescue
My girlfriend of a year is too clingy.
She claims that she loves me more than life itself.
She keeps saying she’ll do something stupid if I leave her. I’m not flattered by this – I’m terrified.
This is first class emotional blackmail, and I feel under pressure to stay with her even though my love died months ago.
Her problem is that she demands too much. I can’t move without her insisting on knowing where I’m going and who I’m seeing.
The other night one of my bosses asked me if I fancied a drink at a swanky new bar that has opened in town. He said he was ready to go straight away. I quickly texted my girl saying that I’d be late, but I didn’t have time to give a detailed explanation. In the end this guy and I stayed out for two hours; he offered me a great new job with a pay rise.
Yet the whole time I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. It was my girl going crazy.
Eventually I rocked up at her place at 9pm and she virtually ripped my head off. She accused me of sleeping around; of being a liar and deliberately setting out to hurt her. I was so wild that I stormed off telling her to ‘forget it’. From then on, I was bombarded with texts and other messages warning me that she was ‘on the edge’ and if I didn’t get straight back to hers, then she didn’t know what she might do. I caved in and went back.
Now she’s mounting a charm offensive. She’s saying that she’s sorry and that she loves me more than anything else in the world. She wants us to get back together again, because, apparently, I ‘complete her’. I didn’t like what I saw or heard that night and I want out. But what if she does something extreme and I get the blame?
JANE SAYS: The girl needs professional help. She needs to see her GP about her mood swings, instability and self-loathing. Sit her down and tell her that this has gone too far. You didn’t appreciate her behaviour the night of the informal interview with your boss.
You cannot live your life under this black cloud. Sadly, if you no longer love your girlfriend; if she annoys and stifles you, then you must break free in order to reclaim your independence.
It’s very sad that she’s insecure and needy, but that’s not your problem. It’s not your job to ‘complete’ her.
Yes, you may complement her, but complete? No. The reality is that we all lose our heads and go a little bit crazy at the beginning of any significant, new relationship. We go over the top with declarations of love and loyalty. But your girlfriend crossed a line when she started ranting about hurting herself.
As far as I’m concerned, that was a step too far and you need to distance yourself from her and start again. I don’t care how much she claims to adore you, that sort of behaviour is not acceptable.
Find the strength to finish with her if she’s no longer making you happy. The Samaritans are on 116 123. Does she have family or friends who could support her in building her confidence and find a different outlet for her love and pent-up energy?