JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels unfairly treated by a tricky partner
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Stitched up like a kipper
My partner has accused me of being a sex maniac. She’s thrown me out of our bed and instructed me to sleep in our tiny box room. My crime? Daring to chat to one of her friends at a party. She’s accused me of not only fancying this woman but conducting a sexually charged secret affair too. This is nuts. I’m being condemned on trumped up charges.
A few months ago, I began to get the impression that my partner was looking for an excuse to end our sex life and sleep on her own. She pushed me away in bed claiming that I had bad breath and a snoring problem.
Then she saw me chatting to her mate at the party and went nuclear. Obviously, I’ve tried to plead my innocence (because I haven’t done anything wrong) but she will not discuss this matter.
Instead, she insults me with her ridiculous accusations. How do I prove my innocence and love?
JANE SAYS: Make it clear that you won’t be pushed around and have to hear the truth regarding your partner’s true feelings towards you. She needs to hear that she’s being totally unreasonable and unfair. Why does she no longer enjoy sex?
Is this something she’s prepared to discuss with her GP or a relationship counsellor? Keep your cool and explain that you have never cheated on her and resent her clumsy attempts to push you out because you can see right through them.
Would she like you out of her life on a full-time basis? Perhaps she needs to explain what she thinks the future holds for you two now.
Secret squirrel
My lover is a complete mystery to me. He’s a lovely chap, but he gives nothing away about his past, his family or his business dealings. I don’t think for one minute that he’s dishonest or dodgy, but it frustrates me that he refuses to open up. It makes me look a fool when friends and family ask me what he’s up to and I honestly can’t tell them.
He’s a wonderful lover and I have no complaints about the way he treats me, but should I demand more?
JANE SAYS: I suspect you can demand all you like, but if your lover isn’t interested in sharing the finer details of his life, then that’s up to him. Talk to him today about your insecurities and frustrations and ask him one, last time to answer your questions. If he still refuses to open up, then is what you have together good enough for you? Can you continue, long term, with a man of mystery?
My gut feeling is that you cannot, because you’re already feeling confused and slightly insulted. Remember that he’s not the only guy around.
Not done yet
I’m ready to settle down and start a family; only my long-term boyfriend claims he hasn’t finished having fun yet. His bucket list is pages long and he’s talking about activity holidays in places as far-flung India and South America well into 2030.
He’s not even prepared to cut back on weekly socialising either so that we can start saving for a place of our own. He’s 35 and describes himself as an ‘eternal teenager’. I love him a lot, but am I taking a gamble by staying with him?
JANE SAYS: I get the impression that you two are drifting further apart by the day. While you crave family life, your partner is still desperate to get out there to enjoy and challenge himself. The problem is that your biological clock is ticking away.
I suggest you have an honest conversation with him about where you’re headed. Sadly, if you don’t want the same things, then maybe you need to accept that this is about as far as you go – and concentrate on pursuing your own dream.
Digging our heels in
What hope is there for my partner and I when we are both as stubborn as mules? We love each other deeply, but both have a problem with backing down or losing face. From delegating household chores to deciding where to go on holiday, we’re guilty of digging our heels in and not giving the other an inch. At the moment we’re in conflict over her mother who needs to go into a care home.
We cannot agree on where she should be placed or what should happen to her current home. This is the biggest challenge our five-year relationship has faced and I’m very worried this could be the one to break us. She accuses me of being proud, while I know she’s impractical and unrealistic. What if there is no coming back from this current bust up?
JANE SAYS: Mature relationships are all about give and take. There can no winners and losers – you have to act like equal, respectful partners. Always needing to be right is unattractive and immature. Of course, you’re an individual and you’re entitled to your opinion, but I think in this instance, where your latest conflict concerns your partner’s own mother, you need to take a back seat and support rather than agitate.
This must be an incredibly stressful time for your partner, so endeavour to see things from her point of view. Vow to listen, bite your tongue and compromise. I very much doubt if there is a perfect solution to this (or any other problem), but you’ll achieve a lot more through teamwork and cooperation.