JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who longs for an easier pace of life
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I’m done with dogging
My partner loves orgies and sex parties.
He’s never happier than when he’s pleasuring a group of eager lovers or swinging from the chandeliers. Meanwhile, I’ve begun to crave the simple life. I’d hate him to think me boring, but I don’t think I can do the partner swapping or the hedonistic holidays a minute longer. I’m done with the dogging and the on-line sex chats too. I don’t feel as though I’ve got anything new to give and, if I’m completely honest, I’m worn out.
We’ve been together for three years and I’ve always deferred to him regarding sex and done everything he’s wanted. I’ve pretended to enjoy myself.
I’ve gasped and groaned in all the right places and faked orgasm after orgasm. But I stopped enjoying our fast lifestyle a while ago after a serious bout of the ‘flu.
Now he’s suggesting we rent a huge house and host a massive adult party. He’s talking a hot tub and every adult toy imaginable. He wants to invite our very hard-core ‘friends’ and charge them a fortune for a weekend of lust and excess. But I can’t think of anything worse and think that we’ve come to a crossroads. Is this my chance to say ‘enough’? Have I got the nerve?
I’m a straightforward person. I like sex, but I love it in a caring, decent kind of way.
I enjoy being kissed and cuddled and told that I’m special. I’m not into sex toys and leather goods. I’m not interested in sleeping with other partners or putting on a show. Recently it was our anniversary, and I got him to take me to a romantic hotel where we had dinner and made love. It was natural, and wonderful and calm. Yet, during the drive home he declared it the most boring time of his life and berated me for turning vanilla and dull. Why aren’t I enough for him? What’s the appeal of group sex? I just don’t get it.
JANE SAYS: You’re entitled to grow, evolve and change your mind.
Sounds to me like you’ve come to the end of the line as far as fast living and risqué behaviour goes.
For several years you’ve been happy to join your partner in some serious sex games, but now you’ve had your fill. That’s fair enough; you’ve given everything a try and now you’re ready to settle down and please yourself. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with pushing back the boundaries and experimenting with sex if both partners are consenting and happy to do so. You are an individual with a mind of your own. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
Talk to your partner today. Explain that the sex party is a non-starter (as far as you’re concerned) because your heart isn’t into swinging any more.
If that means that you and he now need to split up – because he’s not ready to hang up his sex toys just yet – then so be it. Of course, it’s sad when a relationship breaks down; it’s disappointing and, sometimes, humiliating too.
It’s not always easy starting out as a single person again, but not all love affairs go the distance and last. Whatever happens, don’t sell yourself cheap for the sake of keeping the peace. You don’t owe him anything. Your body is your business.
Not on the list
When I heard that my childhood friend was getting married, I was upset not to be invited to the service or the reception. I rang her and she explained that she was keeping things small and I respected her wishes.
But now all sorts of people appear to be going. Even my 21-year-old son and his girlfriend are on the list for the evening disco. I’m doubly miffed because my son has ordered me to chip in £50 for a group present. If I don’t, then they’ll be short and won’t be able to buy the happy couple the honeymoon vouchers the bride has requested. I’m fuming.
JANE SAYS: Take a deep breath; count to ten and tell yourself to calm down. Then look at the facts; your friend is getting married and she’s fully entitled to invite anyone she wants to her wedding. If, for whatever reason, she doesn’t want you, then that’s entirely her prerogative. Step back and accept that you need to organise something else for that day. Do you want to donate towards the honeymoon vouchers?
If you don’t, then allow anyone to lay a guilt trip on you. Simply tell your son that you’re not able to help and ask him to drop the matter. Are you inclined to stay in contact with your childhood friend or is this where you and she part ways?
Safe in taxis
Girls don’t take me seriously. Recently I asked an attractive colleague if she’s like to share a taxi home. She said, “Sure” and then added that I’m ‘safe in taxis’.
I felt insulted. She didn’t invite me in for coffee and I got stuck paying the whole fare.
Even though I go to the gym and take care of my appearance, the girls I work with simply treat me like another pal. They love sharing their problems and getting me to buy them drinks, but I don’t see them for dust once a hunkier guy comes along.
What can I do to change my luck?
JANE SAYS: The problem is that you’re too familiar with the people you work with. You’re attempting to mix business with pleasure and that doesn’t work in this day and age.
Branch out. Find a new crowd to socialise with in your own time and reinvent yourself. Look at how you’ve been behaving up until now.
You need to establish a set of rules and boundaries in your own mind. Don’t allow people to disrespect you and take advantage. You need to pull yourself up to your full height and start believing in yourself. Self-respect is the first step to success.
Going underground
Should I tell my best mate that his new girlfriend has slept with at least 30 guys? She used to work at my sister’s old firm. She was notorious for flashing her boobs at parties and bonking colleagues in the underground car park. My mate is mega loved up. He thinks she’s amazing. Is it my job to put him straight?
JANE SAYS: If your friend is head over heels and hugely proud of himself for bagging a gorgeous girl, then he’s not going to welcome any negative comments from you. Let him find out the truth himself. He may not even care about her past. Why should he? What you don’t want is to come across as bitter, nasty or even jealous…
Be there for him.