My attempt at breaking the world record for most-papadums-per-minute didn’t go to plan. Pride really does come before the fall, and my descent from cocky bloke to wretched, choking mess was swift.
The current world record stands at three entire papadams eaten within one minute, set by a Welsh student in 2013. I didn’t even manage two. Gutted doesn’t come close.
Why was I doing this? To honour the fantastic Veeraswarmy Restaurant in Regent Street – the capital’s oldest Indian curryhouse, which celebrates its 100th birthday this Monday.
By the end of the attempt I was a hollow wreck, my face a picture of crumbs and shame. The audience (my line manager) proceeded to slow clap and woop sarcastically. The nickname ‘Papa-Tom’ would have to wait. I’d have to cancel those business cards, stat.
Two papadums in a minute? I hear you scoff. Well – it’s harder than it looks. Allow me to provide some mitigating factors.
Saliva
Saliva, or lack thereof, was my undoing. In my defence, I’ve never enjoyed papadums without a pint of cobra close to hand. As the stipulations laid out by Guinness World Records denied the participants access to liquid, this was uncharted territory for me.
No respect
If I’m being totally honest, I didn’t treat the challenge with the respect it deserved. The world record attempt took place at 2pm – at around 1pm I thought nothing of eating a rather large lunch consisting of veggie samosas and a ham sandwich. My appetite was as blunt as the response from my friends when I told them about the world record I was aiming for.
“I don’t believe you have a job,” said one friend down the phone as I gleefully skipped back from the Indian restaurant, papadums in tow. “I think you just make s*** up and then hope the Daily Star publishes it.”
“Is this what you got into journalism for?” was another response. “Yes” was the answer.
False hope
What I didn’t expect was how difficult the challenge would turn out to be. In the first 15 seconds I’d polished off the first papadum, no issue. By the halfway mark, I was in trouble. I could see the faces of the people watching me turn from gentle support to abject horror.
The lack of liquid made it difficult to swallow anything, so it resulted in me continuing to chomp helplessly while papadum residue built up in my mouth, constricting my tongue and clinging to my teeth like the extraterrestrial in Alien does to John Hurt’s face.
At the “times up” call on 60 seconds, I felt like one of Mike Tyson’s boxing sparring partners in the 1980s – saved by the bell. Another minute of that hell and I would have been crawling on my hands and knees, spewing a vile concoction of papadum and spit.
Will I be trying the world record again? No – papadums are meant to be enjoyed at a leisurely rate, with dips and a beverage. Will I be waiting a while until I eat the delicious lentil-based snack? Not bloody likely, in fact I’m off for a korma.
Got a food you reckon looks really easy to eat, but in fact isn’t? Email Tom at tom.mcghie@reachplc.com with your suggestions and he will film himself choking half-to-death on it