The husband Carol Smith* fell in love with was always immaculately turned out, from the sharpness of his shirt collar to his neat haircuts. Just being close to him and smelling the freshness of his aftershave was enough to make her heart flip – even after two children.
Then, suddenly, Simon changed – a moment she remembers all too clearly. The youngest of their two children, now aged 27 and 29, had gone off to university when Simon, then aged 50, started behaving like an unkempt student himself.
‘He stopped shaving and he let his hair grow into an unruly grey mess,’ says Carol, 59, who’s head of marketing for a finance company.
Gone, too, were his well-cut suits and his lovely aftershave. In short, any effort he had previously taken with his appearance completely vanished.
‘He stopped exercising, has piled on weight – he’ll even wear his pyjamas to take the dog for a walk down the lane.
‘Worst of all is his poor personal hygiene, including not always using deodorant or brushing his teeth.’
Today, Carol admits she is repulsed by the husband she once fancied madly. This feeling of disgust is so pronounced she can’t even bring herself to be intimate with him any more – it’s been over two years since they made love.
And little wonder, because the disparity between them is now polar: Carol is sleek, groomed and relentlessly maintained. She never misses a six-weekly appointment to have her highlights refreshed, loves splurging on new clothes, indulges in the latest facials and good quality skincare. Regularly, she’s mistaken for being ten years younger. Simon, not so much.
Their dynamic is, sadly, not unique though. Social media is filled with middle-aged women bemoaning partners who have let themselves go in every physical respect… with disastrous consequences for their relationships. That feeling of repulsion – the ‘ick’, as women term it when discussing their dissatisfaction online – seems to be growing rapidly.
So what happened to men getting better with age, maturing like a fine whisky, George Clooney style? It seems the traditional male midlife crisis has changed.
Whereas once you could spot a middle-aged man by his sports car, sudden interest in fitness – or perhaps even a mistress – today, it seems, men of a certain age are having an entirely different kind of meltdown. As Carol puts it succinctly, they simply ‘couldn’t give a toss’ about their appearance any more.
Social media is filled with middle-aged women bemoaning partners who have let themselves go in every physical respect (picture posed by models)
Eleanor Mills, founder of noon.org.uk, a community for midlife women, and author of the bestselling book Much More To Come, says the problem faced by Carol is growing among women in her age group.
‘During midlife, many men and women are out of sync,’ she explains. ‘Women typically spend the years between 25 and 50 ticking all the boxes – house, career, marriage, kids – and taking care of everyone else’s needs.
‘When they reach midlife and their kids are older, they look up and think, “Oh, I lost myself in all that.” The 50s becomes a real time for momentum, excitement and power for women, because we finally have time to do things for ourselves, and so many women reinvent themselves, getting fitter, retraining at work or indulging in beauty treatments and clothes.
‘On the other hand, men have been working and helping to provide for their family for decades, so might suddenly just want to play golf or sit and watch TV and do little else, while letting themselves go.’
Carol says even her husband’s job as a project manager wasn’t enough of an incentive to tidy himself up.
‘I was horrified when he’d leave the house wearing shirts that hadn’t been ironed and shoes that weren’t polished, aside from the fact his hair was down below his collar and he often smelt terrible,’ she says.
‘One friend even commented recently that she’d seen Simon out with the dog and initially thought he was a homeless person. Can you imagine? I mean, we live in a five-bedroom, three-bathroom detached house in a lovely area where I don’t see anyone else looking like a slob.
‘Others have asked, kindly: “Is Simon okay? He really doesn’t look after himself”, which is putting it politely.’
Carol’s concern goes beyond the mere aesthetic, however. She feels she’s mourning the husband who used to be so vibrant and active: always cycling, playing football with their kids and keeping his physical health top of the agenda.
‘I’ve wondered if he’s depressed, and I even sent him to the doctor about two years ago, but he said there were no red flags on that front.
‘He’s become reclusive, too, never meeting up with friends. Nobody calls him or pops round to see him. It’s so sad.
‘If he does any gardening or walks in the rain he just stays in wet, muddy clothes for the rest of the day.’
Unsurprisingly, Carol, who lives in Winchester, Hampshire, asked Simon to move into the spare room 18 months ago.
Her emotions, clearly, are bruised by his lack of care for his personal grooming – not caring about himself is one thing, but by default she feels like it means he doesn’t care about her either.
And she’s not the only one in the house who feels actively repulsed by Simon.
‘Our son and daughter, who both take care of their fitness and appearance, each have partners now, but they tend not to bring them home because they’re embarrassed by the way their dad looks,’ she explains. ‘I usually meet them in a restaurant in order to spend time with them. All three of us are ashamed of Simon.
‘He picks fluff out of his belly button while watching TV with me, has piled on more than two stone, so now breathes heavily all the time and snores terribly at night,’ says one wife (picture posed by models)
‘And he’s getting worse. I’ve told him he looks a mess. His response was: “Do you really think I want to live like this?” To which I replied: “Well, do something about it then.”
‘Until about two years ago, if Simon had sorted himself out, I would have wanted to make our marriage work.
‘But now I can’t get past the lack of hygiene and the fact that he doesn’t care.’
‘Why haven’t I left him? At first, I hoped it was just a phase so I immersed myself in my career and my children, who were the main reason not to leave. But there is a man I do see frequently as a friend and might like to progress things with. So I would like to put the house on the market, and for Simon and I to go our separate ways. I thought marriage was for ever, but I’m finally realising there’s nothing left.’
Of course, there’s an obvious double standard behind men like Simon falling into such slobbery, while their wives seemingly only get more glamorous and well-kept. ‘There isn’t the cultural pressure for men to look after themselves, whereas women feel this pressure all our lives,’ Eleanor Mills explains.
‘How many times have you been to a 50th or 60th birthday party and the women look the way they always have, or even better, while you struggle to recognise the overweight men as the people they were 20 years ago?
‘The reality is, in general, men never have to drop down their own priority list, even as husbands and fathers.
‘Perhaps because putting themselves first isn’t a novelty for many of them, they reach the point where they’re fed-up of having to be smart for the office or on nights out, whereas it’s new and invigorating for women to reach midlife and suddenly be able to do things that make them look and feel alive.
‘But appearances only scratch the surface. I hear so many tales of men who lose all enthusiasm for life at this age and want to sit and rot in a chair, while their wives want to grab every opportunity.
‘There’s a reason why in 61 per cent of silver divorces, it’s the wife who leaves.’
It’s a similar scenario for dentist Sarah King from Durham. The moment her architect husband Neil hit 40 – both she and he are now 45 – his previous love of exercise and healthy living evaporated, replaced by a junk food diet and revolting personal habits, including washing less.
‘He picks fluff out of his belly button while watching TV with me, has piled on more than two stone, so now breathes heavily all the time and snores terribly at night,’ says Sarah.
‘It’s horrible to admit that his habits make him completely unattractive and me murderous, but I feel so frustrated that he doesn’t seem to care.
‘While he’s sitting at home gorging on crisps and chocolate, I go to the gym five times a week, attend Pilates classes and cook healthy family meals for us.
‘But as soon as he’s finished eating whatever I’ve made, he goes straight to the biscuit cupboard.’
The couple – who have three children, aged eight, ten and 12 – met at school aged 17. Then, Neil couldn’t have been more different.
Sarah speaks warmly of the ‘athletic, sporty, lean’ man he used to be. And as he aged, silver-haired he might have been, but he was always neatly turned out.
That all changed after breaking his leg playing football in his late 30s, and ever since then he’s lost all interest in looking after himself.
‘There isn’t the cultural pressure for men to look after themselves, whereas women feel this pressure all our lives,’ author Eleanor Mills explains
‘I think he discovered he quite liked sitting on his backside doing little else than eating when his leg was in plaster,’ Sarah says.
But seven years on, he’s still resting. ‘Even though his is leg completely healed and he has full mobility, he doesn’t even go for walks any more and refuses to join the kids and me for family bike rides at weekends. He’d rather stay home and watch YouTube, which is so sad, especially for them.’
Even though Sarah buys him clothes for birthdays and Christmases, it hasn’t improved his grooming. As for the root cause of Neil’s descent into midlife slobbery, Sarah believes the answer may lie in his upbringing with a ‘very controlling’ mother who died three years ago.
‘It’s as though the shackles are off and he’s rebelling against all that control now she’s no longer in the background nagging him incessantly to exercise, cook, clean and eat healthily, something she continued to do throughout his adult life.’
She says the only time Neil perks up is when they’re on holiday. When immersed in exotic destinations such as Thailand and Sri Lanka, she’s struck by how much her husband comes back to life.
His energy levels soar, he plays with his children again and wants to explore the local area.
‘He’s still the fat one in the swimming pool though, the one I look at and think he’s a heart attack waiting to happen. And I’m also concerned about his mental health as he surely can’t be in a good place to let himself go like this. So I’m mindful not to be too derogatory.
‘Ironically, he compliments me on my appearance and we do still have a good relationship. But I find sex difficult as my desire has disappeared now that he’s stopped taking care of himself.
‘Only this morning he came to give me a peck on the lips as we both left for work, but his breath was terrible and I told him: “You smell awful, you need to do something about it.” He shook his head in frustration and said all I want to do is argue.
‘I don’t know what it will take for him to make some changes. If he won’t do it for his children, then it’s a lost cause. We’ve been together since school, so I feel lost and overwhelmed at the thought of being on my own, and so I hold on to hope that things might improve. I’ve often joked that at least his midlife crisis isn’t an affair – nobody else would have him.’
When high-end travel concierge Amy Brooks and her husband Matthew, a company director, met aged 30 at the wealth management company where they both worked, Matthew was a suave, super-handsome, blond charmer. Women fell at his feet and he had had countless girlfriends before they got together. How times have changed in the two decades since.
‘Sadly, in the last few years he’s gone to pot and is bald, grumpy and overweight with a burgeoning belly, and hides his incredible brown eyes behind big, old-fashioned glasses,’ explains Amy, now 52, who lives in London. ‘My suggestion that he should try contact lenses was met with a look of contempt.
‘He knows he’s lost his looks but doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it.
‘Perhaps it’s because we’ve got four kids aged six to 14 and he’s too exhausted. But that doesn’t stop me making sure I’m always well-groomed and beautifully dressed.
‘We used to have amazing chemistry but I’m a bit off him these days.
‘We do still have sex – as long as he’s showered that day, because he doesn’t always, which I find revolting.
‘He’s also incredibly miserable a lot of the time, going ballistic over tiny things, like when I dashed out of the house without my keys recently and had to phone him to let me back in.’
A slender size 10, Amy is dedicated about dressing well, saying: ‘I’d rather be overdressed. I never wear trousers and love heels.’
But far from being appreciative of having a wife who makes an effort, Matthew’s started making snarky comments: ‘He told me I looked “suburban” recently and that I should just wear jeans and trainers.
‘It’s probably no surprise that that particular remark came after a dinner party where one of the guests said they’d never have put me with him as I look so much younger!
‘It obviously hit a nerve with Matthew as he went on for days about how rude he thought this woman was.
‘Putting me down is a sign of his own insecurities, but why does he do nothing about it, then?
‘He could afford a personal trainer, a chef or a stylist to sort him out, but his old confidence is long gone.
‘Some of my girlfriends have confessed to not fancying their husbands either and have lost all interest in sex because their men just don’t take any pride in their appearance any more. But they reckon Matthew’s still attractive underneath the weight gain and the baggy clothes.
‘And I guess that if I look past his appearance, it’s true: he’s a great cook, helps around the house and is an excellent dad.
‘I think part of the problem is that he works from home most of the time now. He’d really benefit from having to go into an office as that would give him a reason to smarten up.
‘I can’t help but feel the only way I’ll be able to turn a blind eye to his unkempt, overweight appearance is if he’d switch from being dour and miserable to upbeat and positive. That would make him infinitely more attractive, fat or not.
‘And if he could shave a bit more often too, that would be a bonus!’
All names and identifying details have been changed.