Who’d win in a fight between Blackbeard and Al Capone? Daily Star has named seven of the hardest men of all time (plus a mystery guest) and created a fantastical event which goes someway to answering that question…
There have been some pretty hard blokes since time began. Several of them probably drink down the road at your local boozer…
There are far too many ‘hard’ lads to document in one article, which makes the following an ambitious, and ultimately flawed, attempt at trying to work out who the hardest man of all time is, and who might win should there be a hypothetical ‘battle royale’ between them.
Think WWE’s Royal Rumble, except instead of oiled-up actors you’ve got Genghis Khan going at it tooth and nail with Bear Grylls in a wrestling ring. So, read on, suspend your disbelief and enjoy…
Charles Bronson
Dubbed Britain’s ‘most violent’ prisoner, Charles Bronson has spent over three decades in prison. During his pomp as a bloodthirsty lag in the 70s and 80s, Bronson would often take people hostage in his cell.
Such was his reputation for causing carnage, the inmate has served time at almost 120 different institutions – no one could contain him.
He’s now changed his last name to Salvador after his painting hero Dali and lives a rather more peaceful life on the inside, but you still wouldn’t cross him.
Hardest victory 7/10
Bear Grylls
Bear Grylls is probably a pretty hard bloke – as long as he’s got room to manoeuvre and pour himself a pint of his own steamy piss to drink, that is. If you hem him in enough so that he can’t release the Old Chap, then he may struggle.
Bear made a name for himself at the beginning of his career by surviving brutal weather conditions and ferocious beasts in the wild. However it soon came to light that Bear and his team would often retire to nearby hotels, instead of sleeping rough – as the show had claimed.
That said – I still certainly wouldn’t take on a bloke who used to brag about quaffing litres of his own urine (for ‘survival reasons’)… that’s just mental. Imagine what sort of madness that equates to in a fight.
Poor old Bear probably wouldn’t last too long in the battle royale – he went to Eton, for Godsake.
Hardest victory 2/10
Al Capone
Notorious mobster Al Capone is the kind of man who would kill you before you even knew about him being there.
The infamous kingpin controlled one of the world’s most notorious crime organisations during Prohibition-era America in the 1920s, and took down all comers who’d have a pop.
Although he had an army of Chicago gangmen at his beck and call, the big man wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty either, known to have assassinated several rival gang leaders himself. He’d be hotly tipped for the victory in this one – as long as his hordes of dedicated killers weren’t too far behind.
Hardest victory 8/10
Blackbeard
The premier image of the seafaring pirate, Blackbeard instilled terror into his foes as he and his crew carved their way around seas in the 18th century.
According to witnesses, in-hand-to-hand combat the pirate honcho was a vicious killer. The bloke looked “like the devil” because of the lit hemp that he wove into his massive black beard which shrouded his face with smoke.
In his final stand-off with the Royal Navy in 1718, despite being outnumbered, Blackbeard killed several military men and had to be shot and stabbed numerous times before he eventually succumbed.
He’d probably do alright in a fight, our Blackbeard.
Hardest victory 6/10
Oliver Reed
The legendary actor Oliver Reed might be a surprise sight in the list of the hardest men of all time. We admit – he’s not here for his fighting prowess. Rather, he’s here for his resilience…in the pub.
Throughout the 60s and 70s, the Gladiator star made a name for himself as Britain’s most notorious hellraiser, on par with Ozzy Osbourne and Keith Moon.
According to reports, his unhinged behaviour at closing time would often invite trouble – but Reed could swing a punch when he had to. Once he defended his homosexual friend from an aggressor, and got bottled in the face. Reed’s biggest complaint? Having to drink pints with a straw for the months that followed.
Hardest victory 5/10
Genghis Khan
Genghis Khan presided over the largest empire the world has ever seen and historians think he’s probably responsible for deaths of around 40 million people. Does that mean he’s hard? Of course it does… I’m certainly apologising profusely if I spill his drink.
Khan had to survive years as a child roaming the harsh steppes of Mongolia, after his father was killed. As a teenager, he worked his way up the ranks by killing everyone else who opposed him, including his half brother.
So yes, he’s probably well suited to a battle royale with some other hard blokes. That said, he also had an extreme fear of dogs – so maybe just woof at him and hope for the best?
Hardest victory 7/10
Tank Man of Tiananmen Square
In April 1989, Chinese military killed an estimate of 10,000 peaceful protesters who were occupying Tiananmen Square.
The very next morning, when a line of tanks were moving towards the area to cause more death, an anonymous, unarmed man leapt in front of the column and stopped the engines of war in their tracks.
Although it’s unclear what became of ‘Tank Man’ afterwards (he was likely executed), he became a symbol of peaceful protest and individual bravery.
Would he be good in a fight? He’s definitely got the minerals, although he might not be particularly agile given his massive, titanium balls.
Hardest victory 4/10
Bigfoot
The mythological ape, Bigfoot, isn’t exactly known for violence. Here at Daily Star, we like to view the Sasquatch as a peaceful recluse, a gentle soul occupying the same sort of cultural space as Sir. David Attenborough, or playwright Alan Ayckbourn.
That said – if he did exist he’d probably be able to handle himself in a scrap. Think tear-your-arm-off Star Wars’ Chewbacca-style, or a flying, hairy headbutt that’d send you into the next universe.
Hardest victory – 10/10
Of course Bigfoot’s winning this whole thing – this is the Daily Star, not a sincere documentary presented by Simon Schama. Did you think it was going to be Al Capone? Don’t be silly, Bigfoot has that fat mobster on toast, every day of the bloody week.