Count Binface has told all 13 other candidates in the Makerfield by-election to stand down as he already makes plans as the area’s next MP.
The interplanetary traveller turned political heavyweight, who previously ran against Rishi Sunak in the 2024 general election, has vowed to ‘take out the trash’ after announcing his candidacy for the controversial election.
He also doubled down on his policy to bring back Ceefax and even told Andy Burnham to ‘stand down’ from the race and ‘leave it to a professional’.
In his latest column for your Daily Star, the Count said:
Hello humans! I am delighted to introduce myself by my new title: the new Member of Parliament for the constituency of Makerfield! Okay, I confess I’m jumping the gun slightly.
It’s subject to the small matter of the upcoming by-election. But Count Binface MP has got a nice ring to it, don’t you think? My victory is surely just a formality. I mean, have you seen the alternatives?
There’s a sexist, a Covid sceptic, an anti-abortionist and an online troll – and that’s just the Reform UK candidate, according to reports.
If you’re surprised to see that I’m running, I quite agree. Running for anything in my battle armour is punishing work, let alone when Britain has been basking in record-busting 35C heat.
What’s more, normally at this time of year I like to head back to my own planet of Sigma IX, kick off my rocket shoes and enjoy a lovely holiday with a few cans of WD40 and the Lovejoy box set. I was actually on board my starship and just about to make the jump to hyperspace and fly home, when suddenly the by-election was called. And loving democracy as I do, I couldn’t resist.
It’s been dubbed ‘the biggest by-election in British history’, and if this vote is going to decide who will be the next Prime Minister, count me in!
I’ve already been on a fact-finding mission to Makerfield – a place which I certainly didn’t hear about for the first time last week – and I’m writing this dispatch to you as a break from the important duty of creating my latest unbeatable manifesto.
As ever, you can expect me to concoct a patented blend of national and local policies, designed to simultaneously inspire the population of Britain and ruthlessly harvest as many votes as inhumanly possible. I’m sure it goes without saying that all my existing promises remain intact – or ironclad, as Rachel Reeves likes to put it.
So YES, I will bring back Ceefax, YES, I will nationalise Adele, YES, I will build at least one affordable house, and YES, I will ensure that no 99 Flake ice cream costs more than 99p. That’s been a very popular one on the doorsteps during the recent heatwave. But I’m not resting on my space-laurels.
I devised a brand new policy just this very week which I think will prove attractive to an under-represented but valuable section of society: I hereby pledge that mascot costumes should come fitted with internal air-conditioning systems as standard. This measure can’t come in soon enough.
Of course I won’t be the only choice on the ballot for the good voters of Makerfield come judgement day. Come election night, a total of fourteen candidates will be squeezing onto a makeshift stage in Wigan to receive the people’s verdict. One of them will be a man in a fox costume, which stands to reason. Wherever there is a bin on your planet, a fox is sure to follow.
With so many contestants vying for the prize, inevitably there have been calls for parties to form an electoral pact to prevent a particularly unfortunate individual from sneaking through and winning the seat.
To that end I would like to use my column in this esteemed newspaper to make the following announcement: ALL other candidates should stand down immediately.
Yes, even you, Andy. You promised to be the Mayor of Manchester for a full term, You wouldn’t want to go back on your word, would you? You also said Westminster wasn’t working, so don’t go down there and mess it up even more. Leave it to a professional.
It’s time to take out the trash. Makerfield Great Again!