Sorry, you’re doing what? Staying up until 4am to watch Outer Mongolia vs the Isle of Wight? Have you lost your mind?
No, OK, you’re just committed to enjoying this World Cup to the full, right? Fair enough. It’s not our place to judge.
Even so, if you’re going to keep burning the candle at both ends, you’ll need a proper coping strategy — your pre-match prep, your match-night survival plan and your post-match recovery routine. If not, you’ll end up a sleep-deprived wreck.
Fortunately, Mike Ward has dug out lots of good advice — plus one or two tips you might prefer to take with a pinch of salt.
BEFORE KICK-OFF (prep)
Bank sleep for a few days beforehand Plausibility: 10/10 Experts call this “sleep extension”. You can’t literally “store” sleep, the way camels famously use their humps to store surplus fat and Haribo (actually, I may have imagined the second of those) but several nights of extra kip may ease the worst effects of stupid o’clock kick-offs.
Schedule a pre-match mini-nap 9/10 Have an early-evening snooze on the sofa, for 30 minutes tops. You might look a slob, especially when you keep doing that drooling thing, but this “strategic napping” is something shift workers swear by. Set an alarm, though, or you’re screwed. Ideally, set three.
Delay your caffeine hit 9/10 Don’t neck a bucket of coffee as soon as you finish work, then hope for the best. Caffeine’s effect peaks about half an hour after you’ve drunk it, so save it for just before kick-off. Also, maybe make it just a half-bucket.
Pop outside during the day 9/10 Your body needs daylight to regulate it, so a late night will then feel less traumatising. Take a daytime walk, sit in the garden, even stand by a window. If it’s the latter, please remember to put some clothes on this time.
Eat properly 8/10 A decent bite to eat a while before kick-off — nothing too heavy, so don’t wade through a KFC Bargain Bucket — may help sustain energy. That way, you’re not raiding the larder at 3am, stuffing your face with fistfuls of Coco Pops straight from the box.
Go easy on the booze 10/10 Look, I know you don’t want to hear this, but overdoing the booze is a bad idea. Before the match, it could make you nod right off. Afterwards, it’ll wreck the quality of any sleep you do get. And during? You’ll just talk rubbish to the cat.
DURING THE MATCH (survival)
Get up at half-time 10/10 Stand up. Walk around the room. Make a brew. Do a few star jumps. Play the trombone. Actually, maybe not that last one. Just don’t sit there listening while the pundits drone on.
Turn lots of lights on 9/10 It may be 2am, but now is not the time for mood lighting. Switching lots of lights on tells your brain it still has work to do — which indeed it will: worrying about your next electricity bill.
Watch with a mate 8/10 Conversation is a great way to keep yourself awake. Assuming your pal wants to talk about the football, that is, as opposed to interest rates or the road works between junctions 9 and 11a of the M1.
Grab something cold 6/10 Nothing lasting, but it can help. Clutch an ice-cold Coke can, splash your face with cold water, or open the fridge and stare once again at that old tub of Yeo Valley you’ve been meaning to bin since Christmas.
Munch on a sharp green apple 3/10 Often recommended by long-distance drivers and shift workers. The acidic tang might help, as might the crunch, the water content and the steady trickle of natural sugar. Or it might just be the racket you’re making.
Take a cold shower 7/10 Want to give your nervous system a jolt? Almost certainly not, it sounds hideous, but a cold shower can increase alertness and give your mental state a lift, which by this point it might need.
AFTER THE FINAL WHISTLE (recovery)
Put down your phone 10/10 What on earth are you looking at social media for? Even in the middle of the day, it’s full of numpties who wind you up. Imagine what it’s like after the final whistle has blown at 4am.
Don’t sleep until lunchtime 9/10 A lie-in is fine. But push it too far and you’ll pay a heavy price the following night. Aim for enough catch-up to function, not so much that you’re staring at the ceiling tomorrow night like a haunted meerkat.
Wear sunglasses next morning 7/10 Some sleep specialists recommend limiting bright light after a very late night. You may get odd reactions as you and your shades shuffle round Asda — “Oi, Bono, I’m trying to get to the oven chips, pal” — but apparently your brain will thank you.
Wear loose socks in bed 8/10 Here’s an old wives’ tale scientists don’t entirely sneer at. Warm feet widen blood vessels near the skin’s surface, helping heat leave your body. That drop in temperature tells your brain to nod off. Plus you look dead sexy.
Have a warm milky drink 5/10 The classic. Milk contains tryptophan, an amino acid your body can use to produce serotonin, then sleep-influencing melatonin. It doesn’t contain enough to make a blind bit of difference, but tell yourself it does and you’re halfway there.
Put an onion under the bed 1/10 What’s great about this is it doesn’t matter what kind of onion you use: brown, red, white, spring, pickled. As a means of helping you sleep, they’re equally useless. You might as well use an onion bhaji.