So how are we feeling today? Emotionally drained? Hardly surprising. Will there ever be anything to match this summer’s World Cup? We’ve eaten, drunk, slept (a bit) and breathed it for weeks.
And cried a little, too, obviously. But now that it’s all over, we face a new challenge — dealing with the withdrawal symptoms. Luckily, Mike Ward has found us a whole bunch of ways to plug the gap in our lives…
1. Don’t do anything hasty. Going cold turkey is never wise. There are hours of World Cup highlights to relive on the iPlayer and ITVX, so you can wean yourself off slowly, day by day. Within a fortnight you’ll feel a lot better. Or certainly not a lot worse.
2. Switch to a competition that’s a load of balls. One hundred deliveries per team, remember, is the format of cricket’s newest competition. And this year’s The Hundred, featuring eight teams with admittedly daft names and even dafter badges (Manchester’s side has been renamed the Super Giants, and its badge for some reason is now an elephant), starts tomorrow, live on Sky Sports and BBC Two.
3. How about competitive cycling? Watching it on TV, I mean, not competing. That would be insane. The Tour de France continues all this week, live on TNT and with highlights on 5. You may not be a fan of cyclists — I hear some people aren’t — but bear in mind you might get to see some of them fall off.
4. Cheer for your favourite weightlifter or artistic gymnast. The Commonwealth Games, starting on Thursday in Glasgow (nightly highlights on 5), should see all our home nations win medals, with England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland competing separately. There’s even a standalone team for the Falkland Islands (population: 3,662).
5. Play walking football.
Admittedly designed for the more senior gentleman or lady, walking football is nicely low-risk — no running, no heading, minimal physical contact. Alternately, train to be a walking football ref. Go on, you know you want to. More at find.englandfootball.com
6. Attempt Couch to 5K. The NHS reckons its free plan can turn “beginners” (how very polite) into 5K runners in nine weeks. Start now and, who knows, by late September you could be targeting next year’s London Marathon, dressed as a giant squirrel or a tin of baked beans.
7. Get your sleep back on track. The NHS (yes, them again) reckon a healthy adult — whatever one of those is — needs around seven to nine hours’ sleep a night. If you stayed up for these mental o’clock matches between countries you didn’t even know existed, you probably got half that. To start fixing things, get up at the same time each day, grab some early daylight and go easy on the coffee and booze. Sorry to nag.
8. Eat the host nations. Recapture the World Cup spirit by recreating the host nations’ top grub. Try Mexican birria tacos, American Buffalo wings or Canadian poutine (that’s chips, gravy and cheese curds. What’s not to like?).
9. Be like Jude Bellingham and learn Spanish. Jude picked up Spanish in a flash after moving there, and even speaks it in interviews. Maybe start by learning how to say: “Yeah, well, whatever…”
10. Other skills are available. The Open University’s free platform offers over 1,000 courses. You can even do philosophy. Handy if your team regularly drives you to despair, this course “explores fundamental questions about ourselves and the world through rational inquiry and argument”. Go to open.edu
11. Attend a board meeting. Don’t panic, that’s just an amusing pun. I’m actually talking about Boardmasters, a festival starting on August 5, with acts including Fatboy Slim and Kasabian. “Five days of music, surf, skate, wellness, food and art on the Cornish coast,” it promises. I don’t think “skate” means the fish, but maybe best to check if you’re allergic to them.
12. Enter the bog-snorkelling world championship. On August 30, competitors in Llanwrtyd Wells will again race 120 yards through a Welsh peat bog, wearing facemarks, snorkels and flippers. Only doggy paddle is allowed. Go to green-events.co.uk
13. Enjoy a nice shower. The Perseid meteor shower peaks on August 12-13, with perfect new-moon conditions and about 150 meteors an hour. For more on where to watch, and what the hell it actually is, visit rmg.co.uk
14. Channel that competitive spirit into something useful. Turn domestic chores into a fun challenge. Iron a pile of shirts against the clock, perhaps, or paint the kitchen blindfold.
15. Have a good purge To prepare for a fresh start, take your World Cup paraphernalia to a charity shop. Flags, shirts, bunting, the sad inflatable trophy, I’m sure they’ll take the lot. Also, see if they’ll take that stupid exercise bike you’ve only ever hung your trousers on.
16. Keep your patriotic spirit alive. Highclere Castle, where they filmed Downton Abbey, hosts the Battle Proms on August 1. You get orchestral classics, cavalry, parachutists, fireworks, cannons, even a Spitfire (marking 90 years since its first flight). More at battleproms.com
17. And talking of Spitfires… Ever fancied flying in one yourself? At IWM Duxford you can. You don’t get to shoot down enemy aircraft, but then enemy aircraft don’t get to shoot down you, so I guess that’s fair. Visit iwm.org.uk.
18. Have a nosy around Buckingham Palace. The State Rooms are open until September 27. This year’s reworked Picture Gallery contains 120 masterpieces. These apparently took 875 hours to hang. God knows why. Go to rct.uk
19. Volunteer for a local team. Grassroots football clubs are always seeking help. If you don’t have particular skills and/or qualifications, you’re welcome just to muck in — sell Golden Goals tickets, for instance, or clean the loos. More at englandfootball.com
20. Just console yourself with what’s coming soon. Domestic football will be back before you know it. The Carabao Cup starts on August 7, the EFL on August 14 and the Premier League on August 21. And in 68 days from now, England play Spain. That’ll be fun.