My attempt at beating the world record for most fish fingers eaten in one minute left me gagging and unable to breath.
Turns out without tartar sauce, the little cod batons really do get lodged in the throat. Nasty business… I felt like Icarus, if he was a greedy seagull. Last week dad-of-two Nathan Davies snaffled 15 fish fingers in 60 seconds, getting himself into the Guinness Book in the process. Davies, 32, was fulfilling a pledge he’d made to Lee Mack when appearing on 1% show.
“I always have 20 fish fingers in the freezer, so I thought that one sounds achievable,” Davies said, before winning the ITV gameshow for good measure and walking away with £98,000.
I wanted a portion of Davies’ aura and fame. I also wanted a portion of fish fingers – they were my favourite dinner when I was a child. 16 in a minute for the record, how hard could it be?
Turns out it was hard…nay impossible. The omens were there from the start – when I was batch cooking ahead of the challenge my hand slipped out of the oven glove and I burnt myself.
I didn’t let that throw me off and I whistled merrily as I skipped to the office, a box of cooling fish fingers tucked under my arm.
There was an air of anticipation and a huge crowd – no less than five of my colleagues – gathered to watch me break the world record.
Before 15 seconds had passed their looks of support had been replaced by ones of disgust and extreme discomfort. What they were watching was a man debase himself and very nearly choke to death.
I was unable to swallow anything – the enormity of the situation had gotten to me and my mouth was desert-dry. The stipulations of the challenge prevented me from eating them with any sauce, or drinking any water.
Dutifully I shovelled more fish fingers in but they weren’t going anywhere. Briefly – and painfully – my mouth became the Suez Canal in March 2021.
I managed to cram eight fish fingers in before the clock struck 60 seconds. My five ‘fans’ marched off solemnly while I writhed like a tube man in the wind outside a car dealership.