If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Circus tricks
My partner has gone off sex. He doesn’t care that I’m sex-starved and frustrated. We moved into together last September.
I thought that sharing the same bed would naturally lead to love making every night, but he recoils when I touch him and feels insulted when I ask him to perform. He shouts back that he’s not a circus animal and that I’m insensitive for expecting him to ‘put on a show’ on command. He rants that I should learn to restrain myself and show respect.
Don’t I realise that he’s been at work all day and that he’s tired and distracted? But I work full-time too and I’m still up for fun.
I’ve tried to explain that I love and desire him and enjoy expressing that love physically. But then he gets nasty and calls me a sex addict. He accuses me of listening to too many sex-related podcasts and having unrealistic expectations.
Recently we were at a BBQ, and I was left open mouthed as he joshed along with the other guys making crude jokes about women and sex and being a player. The truth is that he hasn’t touched me in months. Could he be a desensitised porn addict?
In the cab home I called him out on it. I said he was full of hot air and he blew his top, accusing me of constantly doing him down. Then he, sort-of, muttered something about hating sex and finding it too messy and unnecessary.
This is the not the kind of relationship that I signed up to. All my ex-boyfriends were loving and amorous and up for sex 24/7. It was always me pushing them away in bed after the second or third time.
JANE SAYS: Your man isn’t being true to you, and I don’t believe that he’s being true to himself either.
If he’s under pressure at work or struggling to perform because he’s emotionally or physically ill, then he needs to see his GP.
If he’s wrestling with his true sexuality, an addiction to porn or has another lover squirrelled away somewhere, then that needs to be bought out into the open too. Is he willing to meet you halfway? Is he willing to talk openly and frankly about this situation so that you both finally know where you stand?
If he’s not, then are you really suited? Is he ever going to be the partner you crave? That said, if you have been guilty of putting him down or putting him under undue pressure, then can you apologise and suggest a fresh start?
If you really have stripped him of his confidence, then perhaps he just needs a chance to reset?
Talk about this, away from the bedroom. I understand that you’ve moved in together, but that doesn’t bind you forever. The fact is that not all relationships work out as we think they’re going to. Living together has made you and your boyfriend realise that; maybe, you didn’t know each other well enough in the first place. Ultimately, don’t waste any more time if you’re not making each other happy.
New man
I’m suspicious. Just recently my boyfriend has changed his hairstyle, lost weight and treated himself to a whole new wardrobe. Yes, he looks great, but I hardly recognise him anymore. When I suggest going out somewhere special, he says that he’s too busy. What’s going on? Could he be cheating?
JANE SAYS: Stop second-guessing and start finding out what’s going on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a guy losing weight and smartening himself up, but if you honestly feel he could be cheating, then you’ve got to ask him to come clean with you.
Sadly, if you’re still not satisfied with his answers, then you’ll have to turn detective. What you can’t do is risk your sexual health if he IS having sex with someone else.