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For pity’s sake
My ungrateful mate has moved her revolting boyfriend in with us. This is my flat, yet he’s sprawled out all over the place and taking two showers a day. I walk into my kitchen and immediately feel awkward if they’re cooking a meal or enjoying a drink. I pop my head around the front room door and they’re virtually shagging on my sofa.
She’s been my paying lodger since January.
I offered her a cheap place to stay after the breakdown of her last relationship with a controlling partner. At the time she credited me with saving her life.
Now I’m the spare part. She didn’t even ask if she could move in her current jerk. I returned from a business conference to find him installed in her bedroom. His stuff was all over the hall as she chirruped: “You don’t mind, do you? It’s only temporary”.
That was last June and he’s still here – even more ingrained than ever.
I’m convinced that he deliberately has noisy sex just to wind me up. He screams, grunts and howls during love making. He knows I’m obsessed with a married guy who ignores me and, so, screams: “I’m coming” as loudly as possible. I dread being alone with him because I’m always afraid, he’s going to embarrass me with awkward questions about my (unsatisfactory) love life.
The other day he was out on my balcony, watching porn on his laptop as I attempted to complete an important document for work. I asked him to stop, and he invited me to join him – he said it might ‘calm me down’ as if I’m uptight and neurotic, which I’m absolutely not. Whenever I complain to my mate, she just laughs.
She swears he’s nothing but a harmless scamp, but I’m done here. I’ve tried talking to her about him paying rent and contributing to bills, but she says he’ll be gone soon. I’m going out of my mind.
JANE SAYS: This has all gone too far. You need your friend to sober up because you need your space back. At the moment she is floating on a cloud. She’s sexed up and completely in awe of her cheeky boyfriend, but their relationship has got nothing to do with you. it’s not your job to provide their love nest.
Tell her that you’d like a private one-on-one conversation with her. Arrange a time when you’ll both be calm and undisturbed – and make it clear that he isn’t welcome. Keep your cool and calmly explain that everything has to change for the sake of your property, your mental health, and your friendship.
Don’t allow her to suggest that you’re jealous or a spoil sport because you’re entitled to feel comfortable and relaxed in your own home.
Make it clear that this current arrangement was never discussed or agreed and that you’re disappointed and out of pocket (all of those showers).
Insist he leaves immediately, or you will speak to family members and/or get a solicitor involved – it’s that serous. Whether or not she goes with him, or your friendship survives will remain to be seen.
But I can’t help thinking that she’s ungrateful and selfish considering all you did for her in the past.
You’re not being petty or miserable, simply honest about a toxic situation that must end.
As for you viewing porn with him – tell him to get stuffed.