If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Pressure cooker
I’m being wooed by a bad boy. He’s slept with loads of the women at my company.
We work in an environment where everyone is under a huge amount of pressure.
Consequently, when we let our hair down, we tend to go a bit crazy.
We work hard and we play even harder.
He has made it abundantly clear that he fancies me. We flirt and chat all the time. He’s very full on. He tells me I’m gorgeous and hot and special.
But I’m struggling to get past the fact that he has a lot of baggage. If I’m honest, he’s slept with most of the women I know.
I wonder if I should simply get it over with; invite him on a dirty weekend and see what he’s got to offer in the trouser department.
Or is he too hot to handle?
JANE SAYS: Look at all the women around you who have already been sucked in by him and don’t be fooled.
You may work together in a demanding industry but remember that he’s not the only guy and that there is still life outside the pressure cooker world you inhabit.
You may believe that you’re unique and that he treats you differently to all the rest, but I suspect he’s trotted out the same old lines to every lover since day one.
Give him a width birth and don’t allow yourself to be sucked in…
Is he more of a sex pest than admirer? Think about it.
Plot your love life outside of the workplace.
Mutual masturbation
I have been with my current girlfriend for a year, yet we still haven’t had sex. She suffers with vaginismus. She won’t go see her GP about it, and as a result we only have oral sex or mutual masturbation. I am tempted to cheat. What should I do?
JANE SAYS: Vaginismus is the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. Your girlfriend’s vaginal muscles tighten up on their own and she has no control over this.
You cheating with someone else is not the answer. She needs to be encouraged to speak up and seek help. Could a family member or friend support her in consulting a female GP? So much love, time and potential enjoyment are being lost. Effective treatment is available.
Sneaky beggar
My partner resents any time I spend away from him. He becomes jealous if I dress up to meet friends and accuses me trying to attract other men. Just recently his behaviour has become particularly challenging.
My best friend is getting married soon.
Over the summer I was due drive to London for her hen weekend. But, on the morning of the trip my guy ‘surprised’ me with tickets for a concert. He’d found out my favourite singer was in town and spent a fortune on the best seats. He’d also booked a table at a trendy restaurant and a hotel room too. What could I say? He looked so eager to please. I felt terrible about letting my friends down, especially as I’d pretty much organised the entire weekend, but felt obliged to go with him instead. Admittedly his treat was fantastic, but I couldn’t help but think he’d timed it to perfection…
Other times he arrives home after a tough day just as I’m leaving to visit my parents or an old mate. He begs me not to leave him as he’s stressed and needs to chat.
At the moment my boss is organising a trip to Bath. It’ll be part work/part fun.
I just know that my man will look crestfallen if I even hint at wanting to spend a night away without him. In many ways I feel ashamed that I allow myself to be manipulated and overwhelmed. He’s never angry, violent, or abusive towards me. It’s just that looks of hurt and disappointment come over his face whenever I have plans and I’m made to feel guilty for wanting to be somewhere else. I know this situation isn’t right, but what can I do about it when we’re in a committed relationship? My friends aren’t stupid. Some of them openly call him the ‘control freak’ which makes me feel ridiculous and weak.
JANE SAYS: Be in no doubt; this man knows exactly what he’s doing.
It was no coincident or mistake that he purchased concert tickets for exactly the same time that you were supposed to be with your girlfriends.
The problem is that doesn’t like the idea of you seeing other people or having interests that he’s not a party too. He may well be charming, but that’s part of the problem; certain charming people have a way of making the rest of us feel guilty and beholden. Stop feeling ashamed and speak to your family about your situation. I suspect that they’ll be horrified to hear how you’re being treated. It sounds as if your astute friends already have his measure and really don’t like what they see.
My worry is that unless you make a stand and tell your partner that you’re on to him, then he will continue to grind you down until you no longer have the energy or the inclination to leave the house. At that point he’ll have ‘won’ and you won’t have anyone else in your life except him – and we all know how unhealthy that kind of union is. I respect the fact that you’re in a committed relationship, but nothing gives him the right to control your movements. Sadly, if your partner can’t or won’t change, then do you have to think about moving on? Does he really love and respect you or are you in danger of becoming his possession? Please acknowledge those red flags because they’re trying to warn you.
Mink-lined rut
I have another year before I leave college, but I find the thought of leaving education utterly terrifying. This upcoming change is affecting my mental health and causing me to have an eating disorder. Most of my friends can’t wait to move on, but the thought of leaving behind the my routine and seeing my friends every day is scaring me to death.
All I get from my parents is: What do you want to be? The bottom line is I don’t want to be anything other than what I am now. I can’t imagine what the future will bring. Am I normal?
JANE SAYS: The feelings you’re experiencing are perfectly normal and you mustn’t worry because you’re not alone.
Leaving education is a massive step. As you say, you’ll be leaving the familiarity of a place you feel safe in.
But we all have to make this change. Find out who is offering pastoral care at your college and request a meeting so that you can talk things through. Equally, explain to your parents that you’re struggling and discuss where you’re going to go and what you’re going to do next.
Check out BEAT (beateatingdisorders.org.uk) for help and support regarding your eating habits.
Have faith in yourself because you have an exciting life ahead of you. You can be or do anything you like.