If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Silence isn’t golden
I enjoy regular sex with my married neighbour, but she acts as if I don’t exist in between. She knows that I’m madly in love with her but doesn’t even acknowledge me in the street. Yet she thinks nothing of popping in through my back door any time her husband is at work, and she feels horny.
Any time I try and talk about ‘us’ she pushes me on the bed and silences me with her mouth.
I’m sick of being treated like a glorified sex toy. My mates question why I’m still single. How can I tell them that the love of my life refuses to acknowledge me?
JANE SAYS: Break this toxic cycle by locking your back door and coming to your senses so that this woman can no longer dominate your life and screw with your head. Busy yourself with other friends and activities and get out from under her influence.
Why do you continue to allow her to use you and treat you so badly? What about your self-respect and dignity? Every time she leaves your bed another little piece of you dies. She is already married yet is using you for smutty thrills. Find someone new who appreciates you. No one deserves this level of humiliation.
Slap and tickle
My girl likes to play fight before sex. We wrestle, tickle and grope. The problem is that she doesn’t know her own strength. She often goes too far and hurts me. I don’t want her to think that I’m a wimp, but I’m now dreading these bouts, especially as she recently (accidentally) knocked out one of my dental crowns.
JANE SAYS: There have to be boundaries in a situation like this. Speak to your girl away from the bedroom and make it clear that she frequently goes too far. Does she enjoy hurting you? Is this love or hate? Does she have specific urges? Does she need to find someone more like-minded.? You’re not out of order for insisting on restraint and respect. The fun stops the minute an innocent party gets hurt.
Guilty as charged
It’s beginning to dawn on me that my girl is tricky and untrustworthy. We’ve been dating a year. In the early days she was gushing and attentive. She wouldn’t leave me alone; she rang me 20 times a day.
The sex was wild, we were never out of bed, and she made me feel like a king. Now I realise that she never gives a straight answer to any question. She is vague about her job, her finances, and her past.
My mate has already labelled her ‘The Cat’ and I think he’s got a point. Frequently she goes missing for days. She doesn’t say where she’s going or, most importantly who with, and I drive myself crazy imagining her down a ditch or in the arms of a rival. I text and my messages are ignored. Then she pops up again as if she’s been out for an almond latte.
The problem is that she has no mates that I know of. Her family, apparently live abroad and her employer allows her to be flexible. When I quiz her on her unexplained absences she replies: “I needed some head space”.
But what about me? How am I expected to function when I know next to nothing about the woman I love? Yet she’s very keen to stick her nose into my business. She’s always asking about my salary and prospects. She wants to know if I’ve written a will (and if she’s in it) and whether I have savings or the prospect of any inheritances.
The other day I returned early from work to find her rifling through my personal paperwork in my filing cabinet. I keep the cabinet locked and she’d found the key in my bed side drawer – very odd. She looked extremely guilty and muttered something about looking for her lost passport. I was not amused.
These days our sex life is okay – nothing more. Sometimes I look at her during the act and she almost looks detached, as if her mind is a million miles away from me. Am I missing something here? Why can’t she be honest and straight?
JANE SAYS: You have to start trusting your instincts.
If your girl is distant and evasive then you have find out why. During the early days of your relationship, she dazzled you with attention. You enjoyed great sex and she filled your life with love and laughs. Now, quite naturally, everything has settled down but you’re struggling to really understand the person standing before you. She’s clearly an enigma with her own agenda. Everyone is entitled to take some time out if they’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, but would it hurt her to tell you where she’s going and for how long?
If you’re genuinely convinced that she spends time with other people, then who are they? Why haven’t you been introduced to them? As for her unhealthy interest in your finances and her fascination with your paperwork, then she has to hear that she crossed a line when she, effectively, broke into your filing cabinet. What was that all about? Can she explain herself? If she’s so mysterious and tricky, then is she ever going to be right for you? In an ideal world you’d air your niggles and start afresh on a more honest, equal footing. What can she tell you about friends and family? Sadly, however, if you and she admit that your best days are probably behind you, then you need to wake up and start thinking about where you both go from here.
Give over
My ex-partner’s new woman is obsessed with me.
He and I parted on good terms but that doesn’t stop her from hating my guts. My ex and I co-parent our two children (13 and 16). Recently we held a ‘Sweet 16’ party for our eldest and this woman sat and stared at me all night. She didn’t eat, drink, or speak to anyone, instead she glared like a weirdo.
My ex says she’s nervous but we’re all adults. Fortunately, our kids tolerate her, it’s just me that she has a problem with. I think she should get over herself, don’t you?
JANE SAYS: I suspect, in the back of her mind she’s thinking: He left one woman; maybe he could leave me too?
But You mustn’t allow this insecure, paranoid woman to get to you. Surely your ex has to tell her that her current behaviour is odd – verging on the insulting.
If you have taken the trouble of welcoming her into the fold, then surely, she can relax and lighten up a little?
Could you suggest meeting up for a coffee, just the two of you, in an effort to reassure her and clear the air?
I suspect she needs to be reminded that your children are at the heart of everything you do, and you don’t want them feeling embarrassed, confused, or conflicted.