If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Life and soul
When we first got together, my guy and I were the ‘cool party couple’. We were the crazy pair who had sex in pub toilets and public parks and shocked our mates by stripping off at parties and running around naked.
Our relationship centred around alcohol for a long time. I used to drink as much as he did. That all stopped, however, in 2022 when I had a serious accident. I’d been on a bender for three days with my fella and fell down a flight of stairs at a station on our way home from a festival. I ended up in hospital and was lucky to regain my mobility and survive.
I swore off booze on the day I was discharged. My guy promised to sober up with me, but it has never happened. He’s fallen off the wagon more times than a drunken cowboy.
One minute he’s the life and soul of the party, the next he’s in the depths of self-loathing and despair. Last July we had yet another heart-to-heart after he danced on the tables and vomited in the plant pots at my sister’s posh wedding. He promised me he’d never touch a drop again.
But he’s glugging behind my back and I don’t know if I can stick around this time. I keep finding bottles and cans hidden around the house.
The other day I found empty bottles of cheap brandy in the hollow of a tree. Our relationship isn’t ideal. I work long hours in a warehouse, while he works nights for his dad, which he hates.
We’re like ships that pass in a storm. I’m angry with him for wasting money and risking his health and his job – because he must be going in drunk…
Over the years I’ve dragged him to numerous doctors’ appointments and dependency meetings. Yet nothing seems to help him to permanently quit. He promises he’s going to beat this demon, but can I trust him to change?
JANE SAYS: It sounds as if your whole situation needs to change. If you and your man are hardly seeing each other; if he’s bored during the day – kicking around the house on his own – and you’re lonely at night, then it’s little wonder that your relationship is buckling under the strain.
I accept that you recently instigated a long overdue heart-to-heart but your conversation has to be ongoing. Do you both need to completely overhaul how you live? Where you live and how you treat each other?
He sounds like a man on the edge. However, if you feel that you’ve now reached your limit and can’t take any more stress or disappointment, then do you need to move on – alone?
For many years, you’ve attempted to help and support your alcoholic partner. You’ve accompanied him to appointments, yet he’s still drinking and, short of wrestling the bottle out of his hands, what more can you do about it?
I accept that he’s in the grip of a terrible addiction, but if he hasn’t yet reached rock bottom or doesn’t feel that he is ready or willing to stop drinking, then his life is in his hands. Encourage him to contact Alcoholics Alcoholics Anonymous and/or The Samaritans (116 123).
You must start considering your own health and wellbeing. How long do you think you’re going to be able to go on like this before you break down or collapse?
Speak to your GP about your own problems and accept that you can’t be wholly responsible for the actions of another.
Check out al-anon.org.uk a charity that supports people affected by someone else’s drinking.