Prince Harry has opened up on ‘losing a part of his purpose and identity’ in the past. Psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer has offered a professional perspective on his remarks and advice on developing a sense of self
A decade of upheaval has reshaped Prince Harry’s life, bringing new priorities at home and a different place in the public eye. One of the biggest turning points came in early 2020, when the prince, 42, and his wife, Meghan Markle, 45, announced they would step back as senior working royals. The couple subsequently relocated their family overseas – residing in the United States for six years – to gain personal and financial independence before recently returning to the UK.
In recent years, Harry has also embarked on a variety of individual projects, including releasing his memoir Spare in 2023, appearing in several documentary productions, and devoting considerable effort to his charitable work, most notably the Invictus Games.
Before meeting Meghan in 2016, Harry officially left the British Army in June 2015 after ten years of full-time military service, which included two operational tours in Afghanistan.
Harry has admitted that leaving the military left him feeling somewhat lost and directionless.
Speaking to the NATO Military Committee in Brussels earlier this month, Harry reflected on his transition from service, stating: “When I hung up my uniform, I felt as though I had lost not simply a profession, but part of my purpose and identity. I was fortunate. I had another way to serve.”
He disclosed that this deeply personal experience – feeling adrift after hanging up the uniform for the final time – was a key driving force behind launching the Invictus Games, designed to help wounded and transitioning service personnel rebuild their confidence, sense of identity, and purpose after their military service.
Harry has undergone considerable change since returning to the UK, recently describing his main role as a “full-time dad” to Archie and Lilibet during an appearance on Joe Marler’s podcast, Joe Marler Will See You Now.
Sources indicate Harry has taken on the role of primary stay-at-home parent while Meghan travels for work commitments and manages her business ventures and acting projects.
Speaking about how Harry might rediscover his sense of self amid all this upheaval, Mark Vahrmeyer, psychotherapist and founder of Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy, shared his professional insight.
Vahrmeyer exclusively told us: “I think Harry’s difficulties with identity may go back much further than his departure from the army. The title of his autobiography, Spare, is particularly revealing in terms of how he has understood his place within his family.
“To define oneself as the spare is to define oneself in relation to somebody else. The question then becomes, who am I in my own right?” He went on: “The arm is an interesting institution psychologically because it does not necessarily encourage individuals to develop their own identity. Rather, it provides them with one.
“There is a clearly defined hierarchy, a role, a uniform, a community and a sense of purpose. In return for belonging to the institution, the individual is required to surrender something of their individuality.
“This is not necessarily a bad thing. Indeed, the sense of belonging and purpose that military life provides can be enormously containing. However, the difficulty comes when somebody leaves and that structure is suddenly no longer there.
“Many former servicemen and women struggle with this transition, sometimes profoundly, and veteran homelessness remains a serious concern, although its causes are considerably more complex than simply losing a sense of identity.
“What strikes me about Harry is that he was born into one institution that defined who he was and subsequently joined another that offered him a different, but equally prescribed, identity. He has now left both.”
Vahrmeyer explained that ‘from a psychoanalytic perspective’ the challenge isn’t merely to discover another role to bridge the void. It’s about ‘developing a sense of self’ that relies less heavily on external frameworks and other people’s expectations.
“That can be a difficult and sometimes painful process because it involves mourning what has been lost, while also confronting the question of who we are when those external definitions fall away,” he said.
However, Harry’s return to the UK has been anything but smooth in terms of any potential reconciliation with his father, King Charles III. The tension surrounding their public duties persists, with the King publicly stating that the pair are operating as private individuals, not official working members of the Royal Family.
Harry and Meghan are also not expected to spend Christmas in the UK and will not be joining the Royal Family at Sandringham. Those close to the couple suggest that a shared royal Christmas is still too uncomfortable and challenging, and no invitation was anticipated or requested.
Instead, the couple’s festive plans revolve around Meghan’s mother, Doria Ragland. Sources suggest that while they would welcome Doria visiting the UK, they intend to respect her wishes, which likely means travelling to California for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
How people can rediscover their identity after leaving the military
Psychotherapist and mental health specialist Noel McDermott, founder of Mental Health Works, explained that the armed forces intentionally foster a highly distinctive identity, especially among front-line troops, to help with the fundamental task of facing danger.
“Loss of that identity is a well-known issue within the armed forces and they invest a lot in supporting staff in making the transition to civilian life,” he said.
“Nevertheless, many discharged personnel find the transition challenging.”
Noel suggests that constructing a new identity involves four fundamental principles:.
McDermott further advises those leaving the armed forces to seek help for any PTSD difficulties stemming from their service through EMDR, Rewind or medication.
“Do not ignore these issues as they won’t go away without help and PTSD will stop someone from being able to do the work needed to develop a new identity,” he said.