Dear Jane,
Discreet lover
My wife wants more sex than I can give. Should I suggest she gets a boyfriend to take some of the pressure off me? I’d be prepared to turn a blind eye to a ‘no questions’ arrangement in order to save our relationship.
I work long hours. My job is exhausting and dirty. I come home, take all my clothes off in the hall, then get straight into a hot bath. After my tea I watch a bit of telly and then hit the deck and go to sleep. My wife finds this frustrating.
She has a high-powered, adrenaline-fuelled job and is very energetic.
At night she wants sex – a lot of it. She loves role-playing, mild S&M and interacting with other couples online.
She would happily go two or three times on the trot. I can’t keep up with her. I wouldn’t need to hear the details if she did find a discreet lover. I’ve heard of other couples having open, uncomplicated relationships. I wonder if that would work for us?
JANE SAYS: There’s no denying that a ‘one size fits all’ arrangement doesn’t suit all couples. Yes, of course, there are people who have open relationships or turn a blind eye to other lovers. But would that work for you? You both need to be aware of your limitations. Emotions like love and jealousy have a habit of rearing their heads in any sexual situation.
Level with your wife during a day off when you’re both calm. Explain that your job doesn’t leave you with enough energy for rigorous sex every night.
Could you promise intimacy a couple of times a week and then decent sessions on your rest days?
Could you invest in some sex toys so that your wife doesn’t feel sex-starved or neglected? Work through your options so that she knows you care and are on side. You need to remember that your relationship is precious and finely balanced. Don’t do anything rash and don’t do anything that might destroy the bond and trust you have in each other.
Self loathing
This time last year I vowed to get fit. Now, if anything, I’ve on put weight. My new officed-based job means that I’m required to sit at a desk for hours at a time. I’m eating cakes, sweets and junk food out of sheer boredom.
I’m flabby and spotty and disappointed in myself. In contrast my girlfriend has joined a gym, shaped up and now looks amazing. She’s suggesting a New Year holiday somewhere hot, but how can I agree when I feel yuck?
JANE SAYS: Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re in a new situation and you’re not in competition.
It’s great that your girlfriend feels good, but you need to take things at your own pace. Can she give you any tips or point you in a different direction? What changes can you make at work? What about taking in your own healthier food (you’ll also save money) and forcing yourself to go on bracing walks each lunch time?
Can your GP help? Don’t deny yourself a decent holiday because life is short and you deserve to have fun after all that hard work.
Secret family
My dad has just gone into a care home. I was cleaning out his flat and found a whole pile of letters that he’d been writing to another woman. My dad was a lorry driver and would go away to the continent for a fortnight at a time. It turns out he was a liar. He actually worked in the next valley in a factory and had two families on the go at the same time. My late mum had no idea.
I’ve just found out I’ve got a half sister. He’s confused and refuses to talk about the past. What should I do?
JANE SAYS: There’s no point in worrying about the past. There’s nothing you can do to make sense of, or change what went down. Your father chose to live his life by his own set of rules. Now he’s in his twilight years and in no position to explain himself. Don’t do anything rash. I suggest you stop and inwardly digest everything you’ve discovered. Are you interested in speaking to a counsellor regarding these letters?
Speak to your GP. Alternatively talk to friends and approachable family members. If you’re interested in forming a relationship with your half-sister, then reach out to her. But do be prepared for the possibility of choppy waters – and maybe even more revelations – ahead.
It’s important that you protect yourself and cherish your mental health.
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.