Dear Jane,
She swooped in
I’ve been sleeping with my married boss, off and on, for years. I’m obsessed with him, but he’s never once mentioned leaving his wife and kids for me.
Over the summer I house-sat for my brother. He was at his Spanish villa. One Saturday I decided to hold a family party in his massive garden. I invited various people including my boss/lover and best friend. My boss/lover popped in on his way back from a round of golf. I was thrilled to see him and proudly introduced him to my pal. He said he couldn’t say long. I was buzzing around sorting out the drinks and food and didn’t even notice that they’d disappeared up to the bedroom. Now my pal is telling me that they bonked all afternoon and that they met up in secret in a flashy hotel the next day. Their affair has been fizzing along ever since.
Now my best mate is pregnant. Shockingly, my boss is the father. She’s several weeks gone and boasting that he’s going to give her loads of money and leave his wife
I’m crushed and humiliated. I could kick myself for introducing them. I don’t even know if his wife is aware of the truth. Is it up to me to tell her?
I feel like such a fool because I’m still sleeping with him and he’s said nothing to me about a baby. Has he had sex with both of us on the same day? I think it’s highly possible and that makes me feel dirty and used. Of course, I’ve confronted him, but he’s clammed up. I’ve asked him if he feels sorry or ashamed and he simply says: “These things happen”.
Do they? What I can’t stand is that my mate is so smug and lover is so uncaring. Don’t I matter to anyone?
JANE SAYS: Don’t beat yourself up about the fact that you didn’t know your lover and mate have been carrying on behind your back. If they’ve gone all out to conceal their affair, then you can’t be blamed for not guessing.
Don’t get involved with your boss’s wife or his new life with your old mate. Tell him that you won’t be sleeping with him again and concentrate on your own future. If that means finding new job, then go for it.
The same goes for your ‘friend’ she needs to be set free to make her own way. She has a child on the way and new priorities. Tell them both that you’re disappointed but not broken and hold your head high. They deserve each other. Yes, of course, you’re anxious and scared, but you cannot allow this situation to beat you. Face it; he was never right for you. He’s married; he already had huge responsibilities before he started sleeping with you and clearly can’t be trusted. His poor wife will find out the truth soon enough.
It’s horrible that the people you trusted think so little of you, that they had sex in your brother’s house, during your summer party, but the sad truth is that some people are just not worth bothering with.
Learn from this experience but don’t allow it to make you bitter. Consider the positives; you’re now released to do or be anything you want – and that’s an exciting prospect and a privilege.
Foot in the door
My late husband died suddenly in 2023. He was a wealthy man and I’m now comfortably off.
I’ve met a new man whom I like very much. Unfortunately, my relatives hate him. We’re a close family and they’re convinced he’s after my house and money. He’s pushing to move in with me. I’m 38 and believe I have my whole life ahead of me, which I don’t wish to spend as a sex-starved single woman.
My partner is desperate for us to be together. He makes me feel good and can’t understand why I’m dragging my feet. Dare I tell him the truth? I don’t want to risk upsetting him.
JANE SAYS: Do not ignore red flags. Why is this guy so keen to move in with you? Does he have his own place? Why isn’t he inviting you to shack up with him? Does this relationship feel right?
Keep talking to your family members and him. Find out if it’s this particular guy your folks don’t approve of or the idea of you being with anyone in general.
What exactly don’t they like about him? Do they have information that you’re not privy to? Be prepared to listen with an open mind.
I urge you to take your time because there is no rush. Sadly, there are lot of scammers and blood suckers out there. You don’t owe anyone anything.
New leaf
I’m a bad drinker. Alcohol fries my brain.
I gave up booze over the summer and feel great.
My head has cleared, and my gut has gone.
Sadly, several of my oldest friends have dumped me because, they say, that I’m boring and born-again. I’ve never preached to anyone in my life.
One thirsty pal feels he’s being judged, while another doesn’t like that I drink tap water and pay less in restaurants.
At my brother’s birthday meal, my brother ordered six bottles of expensive wine that I refused to drink or pay for. Everyone else had to chip in more.
Apparently, that was selfish of me.
JANE SAYS: A period of adjustment is only natural. For years you drank – and it didn’t agree with you – now you’re teetotal and feeling better.
You are an individual and you must do whatever is right. It’s sad that certain individuals don’t feel able to support you. Plenty of people manage to socialise without getting drunk and you shouldn’t have to apologise for that. Also, is it really your job to subsidise everyone else’s drinks? Could it be that you’ve outgrown certain individuals and need to move on? Make it clear that you don’t judge but don’t appreciate being bullied either.
Unrecognisable
My daughter has many tattoos and piercings.
She wears extreme, black clothes and dramatic make-up. She used to be so pretty as a child.
Any time I question her style choices I’m told to mind my own business. I’m a broadminded person, but don’t understand where this look has come from. Where did I go wrong?
JANE SAYS: As long as your daughter is safe and happy, then where’s the harm in being creative? Is she happy? Ask her. She doesn’t need anyone’s approval in order to be herself. How would you feel if she started telling you how to dress and behave? Don’t become the enemy because you need to stay on the same side.
She needs to know that you don’t judge and that you’ll always be there.
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.