‘Australia’s historic Ashes cricket crew of outdated gits are pooing themselves about England’
EXCLUSIVE: Our very own ‘Mister Sledge’, cricket fanatic and Radio X DJ Toby Tarrant, will be offering the Star his views throughout the Ashes. His first column takes aim at the old gits in the current “Saggy Greens” team
With the Ashes just weeks away and England’s aces gearing up for another contest against the whinging Aussies, we’ve drafted in cricket fanatic, Radio X DJ and Daily Star MEGAFAN Toby Tarrant to offer his thoughts on the series.
Given the Daily Star is Big Down Under, it’s only right that we get stuck into the debate early doors ahead of a scintillating winter of cricket.
In his first column, he takes aim at Australia’s ‘Saggy Greens’ side of injured old men, the abuse Ben Stokes has already been getting and why the Bogans should be bricking it…
The Ashes is just a few weeks away, and although Ben Stokes’ England cricket team has only just touched down in Australia, the local media have already started to abuse him.
Some tinpot newspaper called the West Australian has labelled Stokes “cocky captain complainer”, which is a bit rich coming from the Australians…who are going to be led by cheating captain crybaby Steve Smith for the first test match.
But to tell you the truth, these are all good signs for England.
When Australians are scared, they resort to two tactics: abuse and cheating.
And this year, the abuse has started earlier than usual because they are rightly terrified.
They’re petrified because they know that Ben Stokes is no mere mortal.
Ben Stokes is one of the finest cricketers of all time.
He’s a one-man wrecking machine, a cyborg sent from the future with one mission: beat Australians then drink their salty tears for breakfast.
And if you think the abuse is bad now, imagine how bad it will be when we start beating them.
Which we will.
This England team is young, full of life and plays an exciting brand of cricket – whereas this Australia team is a load of geriatrics being wheeled out for one final test series before they are all finally put out of their misery and retired before they get seriously hurt.
So the Australians are pooing themselves.
Whether that’s because of nerves or just because they’re so old they’ve lost control of their bowels – only time will tell!
