‘Girl begins rows, storms out then she sleeps with different males and takes medication’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who doesn’t know how much more he can take
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She shuts me up with great sex
My girl is a drama queen. Not only, that, but she’s sneaky too. During the four years we’ve been together I’ve realised that she has a system.
Every so often she gets itchy feet. She becomes restless, argumentative and unreasonable. She picks holes in everything I do from washing the pots to putting the rubbish out. She calls me names, winds me up and pushes me to my limit.
Then she accuses me of a crime (siding with her parents, spending money on rubbish or disrespecting her feelings) and blows her top. She orchestrates a massive fight and storms out. It’s during these absences that she goes off with other men for rampant sex or goes round to a friend’s house and takes loads of recreational drugs.
I’m left at home, worried out of my mind, imagining her in danger somewhere. Then, finally, about two weeks later she comes back and acts as if nothing has happened. She brings flowers and booze and suggests we hit the town or book a holiday. She tells me that she loves me and that I’m the only one for her. I demand to hear where she’s been and what she’s been doing, and she tells me to ‘forget about it’. I push her on the other men, I demand to hear names and details, but she clams up. Then she shuts me up with great sex and I’m like putty in her hands all over again.
I hate myself for being so weak. My problem, at the moment, is that she hasn’t been on one of her crazy binges for a long time and I fear that another one is brewing. She’s become good friends with a new, single colleague and is going out drinking and staying out late with this woman. I fear another meltdown is in the air and I’m scared. Why should I be forced to live like this?
JANE SAYS: Your girl sounds a very devious and calculating person.
She manages to live a relatively ‘normal’ life most of the time but every so often she breaks out and goes wild.
It’s during these periods that she sees other lovers and takes extreme chances with her health. I suspect she argues that she needs to let off steam, but why should you be forced to sit at home, worrying, when you have your own life to live?
The problem is that she doesn’t take your relationship or your feelings seriously enough. As a single woman she could sleep with anyone she fancies but she’s not single, is she? No, she’s with you.
As for her bingeing on recreational drugs; that’s a mug’s game and extremely dangerous and stupid. What makes her think that taking drugs is ever clever or safe?
At the moment you’re worried that she’s about to explode all over again. I suggest you pre-empt this possibility. Tell her to pack her stuff and move on because you refuse to be disrespected, cheated on and stressed out all over again. She’s using you and she’s playing you. What about your sexual health?
If she has personal issues that she needs to confront and deal with then she should take herself in hand and speak to a trained medical professional.
Sick of being ripped off
Well meaning friends keep trying to set me up with eligible partners. They can’t accept that I enjoy my own company and am done with being ripped off and messed around by male and female lovers.
I’m in my mid-thirties and finally feeling confident and strong for the first time in my adult life.
Over the past few years, I’ve endured several hellish relationships. I’m finally back on my feet again, both emotionally and financially. But a close friend is insisting I give her single brother a chance and a mate thinks her boring cousin would be great for me. How can I (politely) ask everyone to leave me alone when I’ve been stung so many times – and have the scars to prove it?
JANE SAYS: It’s important you stay strong. After several disastrous relationships you now know your own mind and are content with your own company. Thank everyone around you. Explain to your over-invested friends that you’re fine just the way you are. You don’t need another person to ‘complete’ you and would appreciate them respecting that.
If they are true mates, then they’ll understand and back off. However, if they’re hoping that a brother will benefit from your assets or a boring cousin can be off-loaded, then you need to get tough. The truth is that you don’t have to justify your choices to anyone. You’re allowed to be you.
Magic number
Can a three-way relationship ever work?
My guy thinks he should be free to have sex with me and another woman he’s met, and I should be cool with that. In fact, he storms I should be prepared to go even further and embrace her (in a sexual way) myself. I’m not interested in any form of kinky relationship.
I don’t think it would be healthy or fair. Yet he constantly tells me I’m old fashioned and selfish for thinking like this. Am I, when I’m not even attracted to other women?
JANE SAYS: You’re not obliged to sign up to anything you’re uncomfortable with. Your boyfriend may be thrilled at the prospect of a free love relationship with two consenting women, but nothing gives him the right to brand you ‘selfish’ simply for disagreeing with him. Tell him today that you are not interested in sex games. If he’s not satisfied with you, then he’s free to pursue any kind of lifestyle he feels appropriate as a single man. If there’s the slightest chance that he’s already had sex with his other woman, then get your own sexual health checked out as a matter of urgency. Self-preservation and sensible responsibility must be key.
He begrudges my earnings
My boyfriend hates earning less than me. When we go out with mates, he insists on making a big show of paying for both of us – and I feel obliged to eat the cheapest thing on the menu and drink tap water.
He goes into to a sulk when I buy myself something nice but doesn’t like me treating him to stuff either. Help.
JANE SAYS: You shouldn’t feel embarrassed for working hard and earning a good living. If your boyfriend can’t accept that you’re in a committed relationship together, then that reflects badly on him. We all experience ups and downs, and it could be that he ends up earning more than you.
You’re not in a competition. I suspect you’d be happier as a single person without him pulling you down.
