‘He informed me to not fall in love however I am unable to resist intercourse 5 occasions an evening’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is disappointed that her wonderful lover isn’t keen on a long term relationship
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He’s threatening to walk
I’m having fantastic sex with a wonderful man. He says he enjoys what we have together, but he doesn’t want a relationship and has told me not to expect anything from him.
We’re just back from a weekend at a gorgeous country hotel where we ate amazing food and enjoyed amazing five-times a night sex. Yet, as we were packing up after a delicious Sunday lunch, he floored me by saying that if he starts to fall in love with me, he’ll walk – and I need to be prepared for that. He divorced in 2020 and had his heart broken a second time in 2023.
Since then, he’s sworn off relationships. He plans never to live with another person or make himself vulnerable again. I can’t do ‘casual’. What about me?
JANE SAYS: Your friend can’t be blamed for being scrupulously honest. If he’s not interested in a committed relationship, then do you stay with him – and simply enjoy the time you have together – or do you protect your heart by being proactive and walking away? I get the impression that you’ve already fallen for him and that you’re disappointed and hurt that he’s not a keeper.
Personally, I think you should accept that this relationship is not meant to be and look to the future. If he has unresolved issues, then you cannot allow him to drag you down or waste your precious time.
Pal refuses to face the truth
How do I stop my oldest friend from making a fool of herself? Everyone knows that her long term partner left her last summer. The rat is all over social media with his new girlfriend. They’ve moved to Dubai and there are loads of pictures of them shopping and sunning themselves.
He looks deliriously happy, while she looks like a gold digger… Meanwhile, my devastated mate is still pretending that they’re together. I’ve just had a birthday card from her with his name on it. She continues to say ‘we’ whenever she talks about what she’s been up to. This is tragic and very embarrassing.
I suspect his new woman is someone he met online. She’s glamorous and looks supremely confident – very different to my understated friend. How do I approach this?
Any time I talk to my friend she sounds incredibly chipper and upbeat. The other day she told me about plans ‘they’ are making for a skiing holiday.
With any other friend I’d ask outright what was going on. But this woman can be prickly and proud. I’m fully aware that if I say one, wrong thing then she’ll cut me off without a backward glance because I’ve seen her do it to others over the years.
But I care for her and hate the fact that she’s become the subject of gossip and something of a figure of fun when everyone else in our circle can see that her man has embarked on a whole new, very exciting, life.
What’s my next move?
JANE SAYS: Firstly, I think you need to establish that when your friend says ‘we’ that she’s definitely not referring to a new partner, relative or other friend. If she’s not, then it could be that she’s holding tight; convinced that her ex-partner will tire of his new woman, come to his senses and return home. Maybe she’s mentally ‘allowing’ him to sow his wild oats.
It sounds as if she’s decided to put up a shield and front this out; she’s still including his name on greetings cards and acting like he’s around. I suspect that this is how she’s managing to cope. By not acknowledging his departure or his insensitive posts on social media, she’s keeping it all in. Do you gently confront her and risk being shouted down, or do you sit back while you wait for her to come to you?
I think all you can do is make it perfectly clear that you’re there for her. Let her know that she can call you any time she likes because you’re her friend and that’s what friends are for. Sadly, if it turns out that her man has chosen a new life and is never coming back, then give her all the support she needs. Hopefully, in the future, you and she can plan some exciting trips and adventures.
She’ll also need help getting her life in order. Hopefully, she’ll eventually come to the conclusion that a man who behaves in this way was never right for her in the first place.
