How keep away from poisonous rows with your loved ones this Christmas – revealed by high psychologists

Christmas may be the most magical time of year. But for many, it can also devolve into explosive, regrettable arguments before the turkey has even hit the table.

And there’s plenty of opportunity to squabble – from a gripe over a gift, to a full–blown family feud.

‘Arguments are common and natural around the festive season,’ says Cornwall–based psychotherapist Bhavna Raithatha.

‘People are forced into situations they may not be used to or comfortable with, especially around families.

‘Some people don’t even like their families but feel an obligation to ‘act normal’ during festivals because ‘it’s expected’. This can come at great emotional expense.’

Indeed, according to Relate – the relationship support service – 68 per cent of people who responded to its survey expected to row over the Christmas holidays, with 39 per cent citing Christmas Day as the epicentre of their family disharmony. 

The most common areas of discord were personality clashes (14 per cent) and not agreeing on what to do (10 per cent). 

Many arguments, experts say, are exaggerated by stress and alcohol. 

There are however, steps you can take in such a situation and prior planning, they add, can help people deal with the anxiety of arguments they may be dreading.

So if you’re about to walk into what could be a volatile Christmas celebration, how can you arrive ready to de–escalate an argument before it takes off? 

The Daily Mail spoke to some of the UK’s leading psychotherapy experts for their advice.    

Decide your limits before you arrive and recognise patterns

There’s a very good reason why the old cliché is never to discuss politics or religion. 

These conversations often get polarised and heated quickly, experts say, which can be exaggerated at Christmas with the addition of alcohol. 

Be clear in advance to yourself about what you will and will not engage in. 

‘If conflict is a theme in your family, then you can probably recognise the patterns that lead up to a big old row,’ London–based counsellor and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, Georgina Sturmer says. 

‘Know your triggers – especially if it’s alcohol – and consider what you might need to change to avoid falling into that trap.’

You can also acknowledge without agreeing.  

Sarah Turner, a London–based registered psychotherapist, adds: ‘One technique that can help is the broken record method.

‘This where you just repeat the same word or phrase to shut down a conversation without being drawn in, so you may repeatedly say ‘that’s a hot topic but lets keep it light’ to avoid controversial issues. 

‘Or think ahead of time of what may cause tension and have a ready made phrase to diffuse.’ 

Choose connection correction

You can also acknowledge without agreeing, experts say. 

When tensions rise, the urge to correct ‘difficult people’, challenge or educate them can escalate conflict. But, they are often are seeking a reaction. Deny them one. 

Instead, resolving conflict is often about hearing the other side and letting everyone be heard.

‘Ask yourself whether this moment requires a response or whether maintaining calm is more protective,’ Ms Raithatha says.

‘You don’t have to engage. Psychological safety increases when we do not feel pulled into constant defence.’

Manage expectations, not people

Equally, a common source of conflict is hoping that this year will be different. 

But recognising that there is no such thing as a ‘perfect Christmas’ may help relieve pressure from yourself and others, reducing the likelihood of arguments starting. 

‘Sometimes hoping for more than what’s possible can create tension and disappointment,’ Roya Royle, a Rochester based registered counsellor, says. 

‘If relationships have historically been strained, expecting warmth or understanding can increase disappointment and reactivity,’ Ms Raithatha adds. ‘Go in with realistic expectations based on past behaviour, not wishful thinking. Remember, they are who they are.’

Plan your exits and pauses

Many Christmas upsets can be solved by negotiation and compromise – these are both vital qualities for being in confined spaces with your relatives, experts say.

But it’s also ok to go in with an escape plan, knowing you can step away temporarily if needs be. 

You might also recruit a family member ahead of time, Ms Raithatha says.

Not to draw battle lines, but to help you in swiftly changing the topic should a familiar line of questioning begin. 

‘Let a partner or sibling know you’re anxious and agree in a sign so they can support you if you need it,’ she adds.

‘Time outs are not avoidance. They help regulate your nervous system.’

Ms Sturmer agrees. ‘As children, we don’t have much choice or autonomy when it comes to disagreements. But as adults we generally have more power in our lives.

‘This doesn’t have to mean storming out and slamming doors. 

‘It might simply mean changing the subject, offering to go and help in the kitchen, or suggesting a change of scene for everyone.’

Don’t tell children things you don’t want them to repeat 

The uncomfortable reality about the festive season that we often find hard to admit is that it can also force us into close proximity with people we’d ordinarily avoid. 

But even if you don’t particularly like someone you’re spending Christmas with, it could be wise to avoid letting your children know – according to the experts. 

‘Children understand when their parents are not being authentic,’ Fiona Yassin, a family psychotherapist and clinical director at The Wave Clinic, near Worthing, says. 

‘And this could be unnerving and confusing for them to see. As parents, we shouldn’t expect children to hold onto our secrets. 

‘Don’t be surprised if they call your inauthenticity out. But do not chastise a child for vocalising what you’ve told them. 

‘If you don’t want your child to repeat something that you’ve said that could be inflammatory, don’t tell them.’

It is okay to decline situations altogether

Christmas, for all its supposed magic, can be hard. And if you are dreading certain encounters, experts say it is vital to know you’re not alone and you’re not being ungrateful.

In fact, you don’t have to engage at all. You are allowed to say no. 

‘You are not obliged to damage your sanity to please others. Christmas is one day,’ Ms Raithatha says. 

‘Sometimes the healthiest choice is to love loved ones from afar.’