‘Partner kicks me out as soon as we have carried out having intercourse – she makes me sleep in spare room’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who feels cold and isolated on his own
He’s sent back to sleep on his own once she’s had her fun (stock)(Image: Getty Images)
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Love in a cold climate
Suddenly my partner and I sleep in separate rooms. She boasts to friends that it works for us, well it doesn’t work for me. I feel rejected and angry. I miss reassuring cuddles and spontaneous sex. This arrangement was imposed on me. I returned home from a work event to discover that she’d moved me to the spare room. I’m now encouraged to visit her, once a week, for sex but this feels contrived and cold. She even has the cheek to boot me out once she’s orgasmed. Should I bother sticking around?
JANE SAYS: Nothing gives your partner the right to change something as fundamental as your bedroom arrangements without talking it over first.
You and she need to discuss this situation. Is this about sleep? Is she a light sleeper? Are you a snorer? There’s no denying that separate rooms work for some couples, but if you’re not comfortable, then you’re entitled to insist on a re-think.
Your partner must be honest; is she actively avoiding intimacy? Is she feeling unwell or overwhelmed?
Does she need to speak to a health professional?
Promise to be flexible and understanding but emphasise a compromise needs to be found before you lose sight of each other.
Never enough
My sister is refusing to speak to me.
She’s angry because I failed to buy her an expensive present for her birthday on January 2nd. She’s told relatives that it’s not fair that her birthday isn’t taken seriously by me. She rants it’s not her fault that it’s so close to Christmas and I should’ve been more generous and ‘kinder’ with a decent gift. My blood is boiling. How dare she be so ungrateful and greedy? Not only did I host her, her partner and his two sisters for five days over Christmas but I also cooked her a special meal, in my house on her actual birthday. I produced prawns, steak and fizz and it cost me a fortune
I invited the ten people she loves the most and decorated my house with balloons and bunting. I even baked a birthday cake.
She absolutely loved being the centre of attention and, yes, I did all the washing up and clearing away too.
As far as I’m concerned, the meal was the gift. What’s a scented candle or silk scarf compared to my efforts?
But she’s complaining to others that she should have received ‘something wrapped’ too.
I’m furious. How ungrateful is that? Admittedly she did give me a gold bracelet for my 30th back in July, but she didn’t make me so much as a cup of tea, plus she has far more money than I will ever have.
In the past I’ve treated her to everything from pricey spa vouchers to expensive perfume on her big day and I’ve never once had a ‘thank you’ note. In fact, more than once she’s asked for gift receipts so that she could take my gifts back. I refuse to backdown but how do I rebuild our relationship when she’s demanding a heartfelt verbal apology from me?
JANE SAYS: Preparing a special meal for ten people – and clearing everything away afterwards – would have involved a huge amount of work, to say nothing of the costs involved. Your sister appears to have a strong sense of entitlement. Instead of talking about you behind your back, why don’t you suggest a sit-down chat? Encourage her to vent and explain why your meal wasn’t enough. Would she like to see receipts to prove that you didn’t stint? Does she have any understanding of the planning and effort you put in?
The fact is that you made her feel like a Queen for the day, but if that wasn’t good enough, then make it clear that you won’t tempted to repeat the exercise next January. And while we’re on the subject of planning ahead, I suggest you get in now and make it clear that next Christmas will be different too.
Hosting her partner and his two sisters for five days must have been back-breakingly hard work.
I get the impression that your sister is inclined to take advantage and treat you as her own personal chef and party planner. It’s time for a reset. You cannot allow yourself to be taken advantage of again. She needs to come down off her high horse and get real.
She doesn’t want me
I met my girlfriend last September. I really like her. Our sex life is red hot, and I thought she was serious about me. On New Year’s Eve I invited her to become my full-time girlfriend – to the exclusion of anyone else – and she said she’d rather keep things ‘casual’. She said she wasn’t interested in a heavy relationship. I felt like I’d be kicked in the guts. What’s wrong with me?
The problem is that I’ve told my family and friends back home all about her. I’ve given them the impression that she’s crazy about me and they’re all dying to meet her.
My Mum has even suggested I fly her out for Easter for a massive party. How could I have misread the signs?
JANE SAYS: No one could blame you for feeling bruised. You stuck your neck out and asked someone you like to make a commitment and she turned you down. Now you’re embarrassed but this isn’t the end of the world. If you don’t fancy the brand of casual relationship she’s suggesting, then keep walking. At least she’s been honest. Tell anyone who is interested that you’ve decided to change direction and hold your head high. No one has any right to quiz or judge you. I very much doubt if any of your circle have enjoyed stress-free sex lives over the years.
Double trouble
We are expecting twins – a girl and a boy. My husband has announced that the boy will have his first name and the girl will be named after his sister. To rub salt in the wound he also wants his parents’ names as second names. He says it’s a family tradition. What about my wishes?
JANE SAYS: You cannot allow your husband and his family to overwhelm you. Go back to the drawing board and insist on an adult conversation and compromise. Remind him that you want your children to be individuals not mini versions of him and his folks. Emphasise that you will be the mother and will not allow yourself to be pushed around. Is he inclined to be controlling and unreasonable in general? Do you need to assert yourself?
