‘Bossy cousin lords it over me however her husband is a dishonest rat and I wish to inform her’

JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is tired of keeping her mouth shut and is desperate to have her say

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If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.

She looks down on me

Does my snotty cousin deserve to hear that her husband is a dirty, cheating rat; that he has endless affairs and one-night stands that we all know about?

Is it finally time for me to burst her bubble and bring her firmly down to Earth?

I’m sick of being treated like a second-class citizen by her just because I don’t have children. I would have liked kids only motherhood didn’t work out for me. My husband and I married at 25 and decided to wait to have a family. Sadly, after much ‘trying’ from the age of 30, I have never managed to get pregnant and now dedicate myself to my husband, job and three beloved dogs. They are our fur babies.

However, my cousin feels superior to me because she has three, lovely kiddies and I have none. She never fails to make a comment about my situation. Over the New Year she was incredibly rude and insensitive towards me. I yelped when my little niece accidentally spilt her juice all over me. It was no big deal but my cousin very pointedly huffed: “It’s a good job you didn’t have children. I don’t think you would have coped”. I was left stunned and very hurt. I strongly suspect she ‘saved up’ this slight because she was jealous that my husband got me a gold bracelet for Christmas. But who is she to talk when her own bloke screws and around everyone knows it.

Should I finally end this family charade and speak out?

Why does she get to take the upper hand when her own life is a joke? My husband tells me to forget it, and ignore her, but I’m sick of being disrespected.

JANE SAYS: You claim that ‘everyone’ in your family knows about your cousin’s cheating husband. Well, the chances are that she knows too – that’s why she’s so touchy and sensitive. For all you know, she could be jealous of your lifestyle, your loyal husband and his generous gifts. Especially if she has a horrible time behind closed doors and is only holding everything together for the sake of the children. This woman sounds full of bitterness and resentment. If she really did ‘save up’ her revenge to serve ice cold, then you and she need to talk.

She has to hear that you didn’t appreciate being bawled out and humiliated in public. Your reaction to having a drink spilt on you was perfectly normal and natural and didn’t warrant such a spiteful retort. Doesn’t she realise how insensitive she has been? Does she ever stop to think about how different your life is to hers? She may be blessed with children – you’re not asking for pity or sympathy – but some basic manners would be welcome. Is there anything else she’d like to get off her chest? It’s not for you to threaten to speak out about the state of her marriage – because there’s no way that you know the full facts – but she needs to understand that you are not her inferior and will not be spoken to rudely again.

Does she need help and support? Would she like to talk without being judged?

Booze on a park bench

We’re struggling to balance our household budget, what with rising food and utility costs. Recently, my partner and I agreed to stop including booze in our weekly shop to save money. Now a friend, who I’ve known for years, has reported seeing my partner drinking solo in a local bar and, also, sitting in a local park swigging from a bottle in a carrier bag.

I thought he was as on board as I am. It scares me that he’s a secret drinker when he functions so well and never seems drunk. How do I begin to broach this with him when he can be defensive, argumentative and stubborn?

JANE SAYS: Your partner must be in a dark place if he’s deliberately concealing his drinking from you. Wrapping a bottle (of what?) in a carrier bag to be consumed on a park bench sounds desperate. Pick your moment and ask if you can discuss this. Has alcohol become a problem? Is there anything he needs to tell you about his life in general and his mental health? Does he have secret debts or work worries? Make the point that you are on his side, and you worry about him.

Promise to support him in getting the help he needs from his GP. Check out alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk and plead for no more secrets. He has to understand that he is not alone.

I want out

How do I achieve an adult exit from a sexless relationship? My partner is a lovely man, but we haven’t had sex in five years because he’s not interested in early nights, sex toys, or erotic fiction (all of which I’ve suggested).

If I’m honest and tell him that he’s a disappointment in the bedroom, then he’ll promise to get help and change, but he won’t because I’ve heard it all before. I’m tempted to pack up my stuff and do a ‘moonlight flit’ while he’s away on business, but would that be deemed cowardly?

Every option seems so cruel.

JANE SAYS: Your partner deserves a face-to-face conversation. You can’t simply steal away like a thief in the night.

Pick your moment and tell him that he may not be interested in sex, but you haven’t given up on love.

Unfortunately, for him, you still crave passion and physical contact and are not prepared to deny yourself satisfaction any longer.

If you and he have talked about your sexual needs in the past, but he’s never sought help, then you are entitled to move on now. Try to be as kind, mature and reasonable as possible.

Breaking up is never easy and there will, inevitably, be some tough times ahead.

No win situation

Should I be worried about a girlfriend who always has to win? I’ve given up trying to play cards or Scrabble with her because, if things aren’t going her way, she throws everything up in the air. It’s the same with arguments – she always has to have the last word. She recently humiliated me at a games night with mates.

JANE SAYS: Your girlfriend displays a very childish streak. A lot of people are competitive but there are limits. Is she a kind and loving person in general? Is she generous with her time and money? Do you consider this a healthy relationship?

Don’t stay in a situation where you feel brow beaten and embarrassed. Could it be you’d feel happier with someone more adult? Is she going to improve, or get worse, with age?