‘Our marriage was depressing till I began seeing different individuals with permission’

Courtney and Nate used to argue a lot, until she convinced him that she should have other partners

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A woman who felt ‘like a mistress’ in her own marriage as her husband was married to his job got his permission to date other men – and says they’ve never been happier. Courtney Boyer says she and husband Nate used to argue a lot – about work stress, finances or their dwindling sex life, until she started seeing other people.

The couple rowed so much their children were worried they were heading for divorce. Courtney said: “I was so unhappy and resentful of my husband. He is a doctor and I always half joked that he was married to medicine and I’m his mistress. He would give his all to his job, and then his family would get his breadcrumbs.

“I grew up very religious in the evangelical Christian church and we got married at 22 so I just thought – you have to make a marriage work.”

“I didn’t feel adored or desired, but most of all, I definitely just didn’t feel seen,” the relationship coach and mental health and sex therapist says. Until, four years ago on their 17th wedding anniversary when they went out to dinner and Courtney suggested a threesome. It did not go down well.

“It was a complete train wreck,” Courtney originally from Seattle but who now lives near Frankfurt in Germany says. “At first, he was caught off guard. But then he could tell by my face that I was serious, and then he was disgusted, like he was like, ‘What’s wrong with you? Why would you ask that? I don’t want to talk about this. Absolutely not.’

“The thing is, I didn’t actually want a threesome. But I’d got to the point where I thought ‘I can’t do this anymore’.”

Courtney thought that by having a separate lover, she could find fulfilment and save the marriage, while keeping the family together. “I asked if he would be open to discussing it in the future, and he replied: ‘I can’t ever see myself supporting this, but sure.’”

For six months Courtney researched extra marital relationships and sent Nathan podcasts and news articles about ethical non-monogamy and how it could help a marriage, until eventually, seeing how much the idea lit her up, he acquiesced. So, three years ago Courtney dipped her toe in the dating pool, trying out apps and flirting with strangers.

Her first extra-marital fling was with a man that she met on a train. They chatted, exchanged details, texted and a few weeks later, after getting the green light from Nathan, they went on a date and slept together. It was a fun night but it made Courtney realise she didn’t just want sex, she needed something deeper.

“I told my husband it’s not actually a sex thing, or a dating thing. I actually want another man in my life as a partner. And he said, ‘Okay, let’s figure it out. I don’t want to lose you’. He recognised that he had benignly neglected me for our entire marriage, and said, ‘I really want to see you shine and be your best self.’

Since then, Courtney has been on dating apps, attended non-monogamous events and had a number of relationships, and, after a few teething troubles, the couple have navigated it well with minimum jealousy and few arguments. Nate has even met one of her partners, who came in to pick her up before taking her out for her birthday.

Courtney says: “Our rules have evolved. In the beginning, he wanted to know if I had a video call with somebody. Now it doesn’t matter to him at all. But we have three rules: The first is that there is always a video call before a first date, the second is no sex on the first meeting, and third that they use protection until we discuss otherwise.’

And Courtney was over the moon when she saw how popular she was on the dating scene. “I never got any attention from men. I just didn’t know what it was like. I remember thinking ‘who is gonna want me? I’m a middle aged married mom of three’. I just thought men wanted young, perky-breasted, sexually available women. I was a soccer mom who had breastfed three kids. I had stretch marks and wrinkles. I just assumed nobody would be interested,” she says.

“So when people did get in touch, I loved the dopamine hits I would get. In the beginning I would go on dates with guys that were totally wrong just because I was so starved for attention that it just felt so good to finally be seen. As time went on, I learned how to establish better boundaries.”

One of her relationships was with a 24-year-old, which ended when he told her he wanted marriage and children. It was all going well until 2023 when Courtney had to come out to her children, now aged 12, 14 and 16. “It was awful,” she says.

“My oldest daughter was 14 at the time. Me and my husband had been arguing because it was all such a struggle at the beginning for us. She asked why we were fighting and if I was having an affair. I just started crying and me and Nate took her for a walk and explained the situation.”

The three of them discussed everything at length before Courtney spoke to her two younger children, and now everyone is on board and happy with arrangements. “I was crying the whole time because I was so terrified that they would think I was a monster,” she says.

“I had so much shame around my polyamorous identity, and was so embarrassed. But they just held my hands while I was talking to them, and they told me ‘Mom, we could never not love you. You’re amazing’. It was everything that you could want from the people that you love the most.”

Most of Courtney’s relationships are long-distance, and every few weeks she will go away with her current beau, who is a married man from the UK whose wife she has met. She is not interested in seeing more than one at a time: “I can only handle two men. My husband and one other meaningful relationship is all I have capacity for this phase of life,” she explains.

“In the beginning, I saw my polyamorous relationships as an escape, because I was so unhappy in my marriage. But now, I understand that they have brought so much to all of us.”

Courtney has not had any judgmental or negative comments, apart from online, and all her friends and family have been supportive. And since she started seeing other people, the marriage has transformed. “When I became polyamorous, our sex life exploded. That first year, we had more sex than when we were newlyweds. I am so much more confident now, and that is really sexy to my husband,” she says.

“And my husband is a completely different person now. He prioritises his family and is much more in touch with his children. He used to be angry and checked out, but now he is much more present with us and patient with me. I think when he realised that I was willing to leave the marriage because I was so unhappy with the way it was going, that was the catalyst for him getting together.

“At the beginning, I really wanted to escape my marriage, but now I ask if I really want to go out with this guy, because it will be taking away from me spending time with my husband and kids. We are literally the happiest we have ever been and our home is now such a peaceful, fun, great place.”