7 issues that can positively occur to Wrexham this season – and Ryan Reynolds did not script it
The Championship is back and Wrexham fans are gearing up for another unforgettable adventure. On Monday night, the Red Dragons kick off their league campaign away against Cardiff City, dusting themselves off after a heart-wrenching end to last season.
Finishing seventh, agonisingly just outside the play-off spots, was a bitter pill to swallow. But if Rob Mac (formerly McElhenney) and Ryan Reynolds have taught us anything, it’s that a painful season finale only sets up a better sequel. The owners aren’t playing around this time following the record-breaking £8million signing of goalkeeper Anthony Patterson from Sunderland.
Manager Phil Parkinson has made two further savvy additions after welcoming Crystal Palace wing-back Danny Imray and Preston North End midfielder Ben Whiteman, with rumours of more big-money arrivals before deadline day.
Referees everywhere will be bracing themselves for more profanity-laced rants from Wrexham boss Phil Parkinson(Image: Getty Images)
As Wrexham supporters prepare for another rollercoaster, Daily Star Sport has analysed the squad and peered into a crystal ball. Here are seven ironclad predictions for what will unfold this season as the Hollywood-owned outfit aim to go all the way to the Premier League.
1 – Phil Parkinson will break the ‘Enthusiasm Counter’
As any Welcome to Wrexham viewer knows, the documentary producers use the “Enthusiasm Counter” as a polite, PG-rated euphemism for Phil Parkinson’s explosive, profanity-laced halftime team talks.
By matchday ten, following a dismal first 45 minutes against a stubborn low-block at home, Parky’s dressing-room tirade will reach such unprecedented, f-bomb-laden heights that the show’s audio engineers will suffer an equipment meltdown.
The digital bleeping machine will overheat and catch fire, leaving FX executives no choice but to replace the scene’s entire soundtrack with a three-minute, high-volume foghorn to avoid a massive broadcast fine.
2 – Kop Stand construction delayed by rare snail species
Progress on the highly-anticipated new Kop stand will grind to a halt(Image: Lewis Storey/Getty Images)
Progress on the highly-anticipated new Kop stand will grind to a halt in October when site workers discover a solitary, slow-moving gastropod resting on a steel girder. Council officials will declare it a rare, protected species: the Welsh Terrace Snail.
Construction will be suspended for six weeks while Ryan Reynolds tears his hair out as he looks for a suitable way to safely relocate the little guy to a nearby nature reserve. Meanwhile, visiting supporters will continue to admire the lovely view of concrete columns and exposed scaffolding.
3 – Ryan Reynolds sets special clause for £8m goalkeeper
Following the club-record £8m swoop for Anthony Patterson, details of a bizarre, secret clause in his contract will leak to the press.
New Wrexham keeper Anthony Patterson’s top secret contract clause will soon become clear(Image: Getty Images)
To help cross-promote the latest Marvel franchise, Patterson receives a substantial clean-sheet bonus, but only if he agrees to wear bright red, Deadpool-themed goalkeeper gloves for all domestic cup ties.
A special committee of football officials will spend three weeks debating whether the foam padding offers an illegal aerodynamic advantage, while Parkinson dryly tells reporters: “I don’t care if he wears oven mitts, as long as he catches the ball.”
4 – Liberato Cacace will literally be wrapped in bubble wrap
Determined to keep their explosive New Zealand international wing-back fit after an injury-plagued campaign last year, the medical staff will take no chances.
Medical staff will take no chances with Wrexham and New Zealand wing-back Liberato Cacace this season(Image: FIFA)
Between matches, Cacace will be required to wear an industrial-grade suit of heavy-duty bubble wrap.
He’ll only be cut free four minutes before kickoff, whereupon he’ll immediately sprint down the left flank at full speed, emitting a rhythmic popping sound with every stride.
5 – Josh Windass will score a 45-yard volley – but won’t celebrate
Midway through a frosty November fixture, star forward Josh Windass will spot the opposing keeper two yards off his line.
Windass will unleash a dipping volley that clips the underside of the bar and bounces in(Image: MI News/NurPhoto via Getty Images)
From fully 45 yards out, and without taking a single touch to set himself, he will unleash a dipping volley that clips the underside of the bar and bounces in.
Instead of wheeling away towards the Tech End, a typically-cool Windass will simply check his watch, give a polite nod to the manager and jog back to the centre circle as if he’d just parked a hatchback in a routine space.
6 – Hollywood star freezes their botox off on cold night in Wrexham
Sometime around late autumn, Ryan will invite a top-tier A-lister – let’s assume a glitzy Oscar winner in a £10,000 designer coat, promising them a “glamourous European sporting gala.”
At least one Hollywood star is guaranteed to have a frosty night in Wrexham(Image: AMA/Getty Images)
Instead, the star will sit on a wet plastic chair in a horizontal North Wales downpour, struggle to digest a half-time steak pie and spend 45 minutes having the offside rule shouted into their ear by an 82-year-old season-ticket holder named Gareth.
By the 70th minute, their face will be completely frozen, rendering all high-end cosmetic adjustments entirely useless until spring.
7 – Wrexham win wild Wembley play-off final in 97th minute
The season turns on a frantic summer deadline day, when Ryan and Rob smash the club transfer record for a £15m international striker after growing sick of fans moaning about a “lack of raw firepower.”
Ryan Reynolds can expect an exciting season finale at Wembley
Fast-forward to May and Wrexham face Sheffield United at Wembley. It’s 2–2 in the 97th minute until Danny Imray burns his man down the right and whips in a desperate cross.
The marquee signing, who spent his first three months complaining about the weather, glances it off his collarbone, off the post, and in. Wrexham win 3-2 and successfully secure Premier League status.
The celebration chaos is instant as Rob Mac leaps the ad hoardings for a knee slide, snags his trousers and tumbles headfirst into the photographers.
Ryan Reynolds grabs a Wembley steward and delivers an emotional monologue directly to camera that gets nominated for an Emmy before the trophy is lifted.
By midnight, only red confetti, empty Bovril cups and a tweet from Ryan remain: “So…does Erling Haaland take calls on WhatsApp, or do I need to slide into his Instagram DMs?””
