Andy Burns ‘Em! Harry and Meghan will quickly be winding folks up with Corden and Willoughby

A lot has changed since Harry and Meghan left so many in a state of apoplectic rage by quitting the country. We got through Covid. The Queen died and was replaced on the throne by her sausage-fingered son, who also happens to be Hazza’s dad (if you subscribe to that school of thought).

There have been about a million Prime Ministers. Everything costs an arm and a leg nowadays. And we might need to wait for the royal duo to take a seat in their new Cotswolds mansion before telling them what happened to Holly and Phil on This Morning.

But the most important thing is that we had moved on from the endless psychodrama that this tedious, self-important couple brings with them. Conversations over dinner had turned to more important topics, like what to do with the ginger prince’s gross Uncle Andy.

The Megxit-induced malaise that stifled this country was coming to an end finally. Yes, we had heard vague mutterings of their antics across the pond. But even Americans were getting fed up with their stodgy brand.

They had almost entirely ceased to matter in the realm of public opinion. Their move back over here, sadly, brings that glorious period of apathy to an end. And this dastardly pair of attention seekers know that.

What’s even worse is that here I am, chuntering on about this ridiculous soap opera. They aren’t even particularly interesting people. The sensible thing would be to graciously ignore them.

Yet they have got us all dancing to their extraordinarily bland tune and devoting thousands of column inches to their trans-Atlantic house-hunting.

It might be different if we suspected they would now embrace a peaceful life in the Cotswolds upon their return. But you just know it won’t take long before they’re winding people up by appearing on Holly Willoughby’s YouTube show or palling around with James Corden in Chipping Snoresbury.

Perhaps that is their one true achievement: successfully trolling us all so perfectly. Whatever this next chapter brings, wake me up when it’s over.

Don good…bully for you Andy

Good on Andy Burnham for not getting too bogged down in diplomacy in his dealings with Donald Trump.

When asked about his fairly choice past comments about the Orange Manbaby, Andy quite rightly answered that Trump had “said things as well”.

It’s good to hear a leader standing their ground over Trump for once instead of squirming or trying to rewrite history. Trump may have a thin skin but he is a big boy – we shouldn’t be pandering to his nonsense.

The US president mouths off all the time. And you know what happens when you give bullies a free ride.

Maura less a saucy Cilla

Maura Higgins has landed a brilliant new gig – as the successor to Cilla (and Paul O’Grady) as the new host of Blind Date on Disney+.

Maura was no stranger to a few blue references during her time on Love Island so don’t be surprised if this version is more risque.

It certainly won’t be Bland Date!

Dolly was shear bliss

Dolly Parton was one of those stars you thought would live forever.

Perhaps that was partly down to Dolly’s penchant for plastic surgery, one that she didn’t mind having a laugh at herself over.

As she famously said: “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.” RIP Dolly – one of a kind (unlike, ironically, the cloned sheep they named after her).

Grant us a Traitor

I’m excited about the return of Celebrity Traitors. They’ve got the best cast since the ‘What has the BBC ever done for me?’ advert.

EastEnders icon Ross Kemp would be comedy gold as a traitor, if his last few excruciating returns as Grant Mitchell are anything to go by.

Idris has no time to try

The hunt for the next James Bond is just exhausting, isn’t it?

In the time we’ve been talking about it, former front-runner Idris Elba has gotten closer to drawing his pension than he has a Walther PPK.

Every Brit man under the age of 45 appears to have been screen tested for the gig. Perhaps it’s just an MI5 ruse to improve its facial recognition database?