‘Girlfriend will not share her field of intercourse toys with me and kicks me out to pleasure herself’
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Made for sharing
My sneaky girl keeps a personal stash of sex toys under her bed. I thought relationships were all about sharing.
I hate the idea of her pleasuring herself when I’m not around. I’ve sneaked a look in her ‘special box’ and would love to try some of the many varied plugs and vibrators she has in there but am told to keep my mitts off. Sometimes I stay over, and she tells me that she’s tired and needs some space. She says that she doesn’t feel like sex and asks me to sleep on the couch, yet, minutes later I can hear buzzing coming from her room. How is that fair? We’ve been together nearly a year, and she’s always told me that I’m a brilliant lover and that she orgasms every time we make love. So why does she need private time or adult aids?
My job takes me around the country and I’m often away for three or four nights at a time. Obviously, I ring her, and we talk dirty but, call me paranoid and jealous if you like, but I can’t stand the thought of her being turned on without me. I get myself into a real state. The problem is that I love every curve and fold of her body. I’ve come to think of it as my own private property…
Does that sound weird?
She works from home. What if she also sneaks up to her bedroom during the day for some solo ‘afternoon delight’? Does she also look at porn too? Does she strip naked and writhe around the bed or simply enjoy a quick buzz before getting back to her computer? The whole thing is very baffling and made worse by the fact that I’m too embarrassed to talk to her about this, as I don’t know where to begin.
I’m the first to admit that I can be possessive and insecure, that’s why other relationships have failed in the past.
JANE SAYS: Firstly, yes, you thinking about your girlfriend’s body as your own, private property is weird and inappropriate.
You need to get that idea out of your head right now. Her body is her business, and you don’t own her.
Your girlfriend is entitled to do anything she likes in the privacy of her own bedroom – or anywhere else for that matter. If she enjoys sex toys, then so what? You don’t own her or control her movements. She doesn’t have to share anything if she doesn’t want to.
Are you honestly telling me that you never look at saucy material or touch yourself when you’re alone?
I urge you to find the courage to talk to her honestly and sincerely about your insecurity and jealousy.
Explain that you struggle without her.
Could you invest in some different sex toys that you could enjoy together? Could you take up a stimulating hobby so that you’re not obsessing about her all the time. I fear that if you continue to crowd her and attempt to enforce your will then you’ll eventually drive her away.
Why don’t you make an appointment with your GP to discuss your feelings of self-doubt and where they come from? Maybe you’d benefit from professional counselling to establish what went wrong in the past and how you can make relationships better in the future.
You have a life to get on with.
Cast of thousands
How do I compete with an army of other guys?
The first time we slept together my girl announced that she has a lot of ‘male friends’. I naively assumed I was her only lover, but now she’s admitted that she sleeps with colleagues, ex-partners, and old friends.
She has men who give her cash and guys who make her feel good. And my role? She says she likes having me around because I’m the ‘normal one’; someone she can share her problems with. Thanks…
She begs me not to be jealous or judgemental because there’s room in her heart (and bed) for everyone, but what I supposed to think?
JANE SAYS: I get the impression that you don’t really know this ego-driven individual or what makes her tick. Why do men give her money? What does she have to do for it? Clearly, she is a free spirit who likes to keep her options open – nothing wrong with that (although I hope that she always uses condoms and practises safe sex).
But if this revolving door policy of juggling multiple relationships isn’t right for you, then keep looking for a person who is more likely to share your views and values. Is being the ‘normal one’ in her life enough for you? I worry that you’re simply her sounding board, her adoring puppy. Don’t allow yourself to be used.
Get stuffed
Since giving up booze my bloke has become a huge foodie. He’s obsessed with celebrity TV chefs and cooking programmes. New ingredients and cuts of meat are all he ever talks about.
Every night I’m faced with increasingly rich and complicated dishes that blow me out – plus cost a fortune. I’ve started to hate eating. For my birthday I got dragged to a posh restaurant that HE fancied, not somewhere I wanted to try. I eat up in order to please him, as he watches me like a hawk, but I often make myself sick after big meals. I’m not bulimic or anorexic just overwhelmed.
JANE SAYS: Your bloke clearly likes to show his love through food, but you’re allowed to speak up if his passion is now bloating you out and wearing you down.
Can you compromise with, say, four simple meals (salads, beans on toast etc) a week and three posh one in between? Make it clear that you’re not ungrateful or unsupportive but, are basically, full up and worried about the bills. If there is any chance that you do have an eating disorder, then, please promise me that you’ll chat to your GP about it. Also check out the eating disorder charity b-eat.co.uk.
Three’s a crowd
My oldest friend is furious that my mum has moved in with me. She got used to having me all to herself. Mum has been living in Spain but is now back for good. My mum is young at heart and still loves clubbing and drinking. Sadly, my friend is openly rude to her, which I can’t stand. How do I cope?
JANE SAYS: Your sulky friend needs a talking to. Your mum is family and you’re entitled to spend your time anyway you choose. Explain to this mate that you’re not prepared to put up with any nonsense. If she can’t behave herself, and be polite, then she’ll be the loser. There’s time and room in your life for everyone but you refused be bullied or made to feel uncomfortable.
