‘He talks soiled to different girls on-line however claims it is not dishonest and simply enjoyable’
Dear Jane,
De-stress
My guy de-stresses by talking dirty to strange women on-line. He says I’ve got nothing to worry about. He’ll never physically cheat on me or let me down.
He maintains that these strangers simply give him an outlet; the chance to have some (innocent) fun. But what’s innocent about him shooting the filth with women from all around the world?
Most evenings he locks himself in the spare room and plays with his personal laptop until midnight. He chats to lonely housewives, but also pays for private chats and strip teases from on-line sex workers too. I can always tell when he’s masturbated too much because he’s too knackered to have real sex with me.
I accept that he works in an extremely demanding industry. His days are tough, and his greedy bosses are revolting, but surely there must be other stress-busting activities out there? I’ve suggested park runs together but he brushes me off.
Each night he comes in from work and can’t get up the stairs fast enough. The other evening his elderly dad rang in a panic. He’d lost his front door keys. I tried to get my guy to come with me to his house, but he refused to leave the spare room/sleaze den.
In the end I drove over alone. It was even more humiliating when I had to explain/lie to his dad about him being too busy to join me.
I know how laptops work and I know how to get into my guy’s. I go through his history when he’s at work. He’s in a world of his own. He’s no longer the person I fell in love with. On-line sex has destroyed our relationship, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m lonely and disillusioned and very angry.
JANE SAYS: Your emotional and physical health are precious and need to be protected. Your partner sounds like a man in crisis. His days are spent in a stressful environment, while his evenings are dedicated to sleazy on-line sex with a variety of strangers. You’re left on the outside looking in.
He must hear that you cannot, and will not, go on like this. Where is the respect or the commitment to your relationship? Understandably you feel confused and rejected. But it’s vital that you stay in control and keep your cool. Ask him to start talking to you.
Make it clear that you’re not made of stone; you know what’s going on. Looking at his private laptop might not have been ethical or desirable, but what’s done is done – and you now know what you’re up against. Does he believe that what he’s doing is fair?
Is he prepared to apologise for all the hurt and humiliation he’s causing you? If his job is horrible, then what changes can be made? Is he willing to make the drastic overhaul that is clearly required? Does he need professional help? Avoiding his distressed father was low point.
Making you drive over to him was shabby.
Sadly, if you can’t reason with him, then you’ll have to bring things to a head with a decision of your own.
You can’t allow yourself to be crushed or ignored.
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