‘I concern he desires his ex and her new girlfriend in our mattress for a dirty foursome’
Dear Jane,
Secret agenda
My partner and I are strapped for cash.
His solution is that we allow his ex-partner and her new girlfriend to lodge with us. He says we need the rent.
He was with his ex-partner for ten years before me and I know he still has feelings for her.
Her new lover is young and very lively.
How am I supposed to share my kitchen and bathroom with them? What if he wants them to share our bed too?
My guy has a way of making everything he says sound reasonable. Yes, our house is big and we’re struggling to pay bills, but how is this a good idea?
JANE SAYS: Share your bed? Has your guy hinted that he’d like you to form a polyamorous/foursome relationship?
You need to find out exactly where he’s coming from. You can’t allow him to spring anything on you. Insist on a proper chat. Lots of people have paying lodgers and your situation needs to handled properly.
Why them? How much are you going to charge? And what are your house rules?
Why should they get mates rates? Also, if still has feelings for his ex, then why is he with you? Where is his love or commitment?
Clear out
I’m worried that my son will never grow up.
He’s 36 with a partner and two dogs yet I’m still bailing him out. He does work but he’s never been able to manage his money, so I’m constantly handing over cash. He can’t drive so my car provides his taxi service and he and his partner frequently come here for meals too.
Recently I was ill in bed with ‘flu and they cleared my freezer in their hunt for free nosh.
He proudly boasts on social media that he calls me every day, but that’s only to beg favours. He’s obsessed with keeping up with his friends. He lives a life that he can’t afford.
JANE SAYS: How is he ever going to learn to be independent while you’re on speed dial? Start saying ‘no’ and don’t feel guilty about it.
Was your son there for you when you were ill?
How many bowls of soup did he warm up for you? If this relationship is all one sided (i.e., with you giving and him taking) then something must change.
Get on with your own life and suggest he uses his own talents, the next time he has a financial, practical or transport problem. He may even surprise himself and you. If he genuinely struggles to cope, then is he getting all the benefits and support he’s entitled to?
Empty promises
Fifty friends attended our September wedding – none of us gave us a present. They ate our food and drank our drink. Yet no one purchased anything from our wedding list or donated money to our honeymoon fund.
Several said they’d ‘see me right’ once they’d been paid – and haven’t. We’ve contributed to their birthdays, engagements and, yes, weddings. How dare they?
JANE SAYS: You need to have a new strategy moving forward. Don’t fall out with your friends, but don’t get sucked into splashing out again either. It’s possible they forgot to go on-line to check your gift and honeymoon lists; people are busy. It happens. No one is obliged to cough up, but at least you now know where you stand regarding future spends. Sadly, this situation is not unheard of.
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
