I had insomnia for 20 years till I found the error everybody determined for shut-eye makes. Follow these easy tweaks for a very good evening’s relaxation, by psychotherapist ANNA MATHUR

Usually, the harder you try at something, the better you get at it. But there’s one notable exception: sleep. Anyone who has ever spent a night tossing and turning, desperate to drift off, will know what I mean.

As someone who has struggled with insomnia on and off for two decades, there have been times when my ‘failure’ to sleep left me crying in the dark in despair.

Lying awake in the small hours, my frustration would grow as the hours ticked by. And while reasons for not being able to sleep can range from money worries and night sweats to the kids crying at 2am, I learnt that the biggest sleep stealer is actually the stress of not being able to nod off.

But if you’re currently struggling with sleep anxiety – worrying about your sleep, and how a lack of it will affect you – I know first hand that there are ways to beat it.

Often triggered by a stressful period or a run of broken nights, though it can outlast its initial cause, sleep anxiety runs on a loop. You worry, ‘What if I can’t sleep? How will I get through tomorrow?’

You try to empty your mind, yet still your anxiety spikes as you become painfully aware of the clock inching closer to morning. Your body tenses and the stress hormone cortisol rises, making you feel even more awake – bringing you straight back to ‘What if I can’t sleep?’

Sadly, sleep scientists have found that deliberately trying to sleep keeps the brain alert, and technology isn’t helping. In 2017, American researchers coined the term ‘orthosomnia’ to describe patients whose preoccupation with sleep tracker data was making their sleep worse.

The signs that sleep anxiety is ruling your life include dreading bedtime, checking the time throughout the night and blaming every bad day on how you slept the night before. You will also feel physically exhausted but mentally wired, and while you might find yourself nodding off on the sofa in the evening, you’re wide awake the moment you hit the pillow.

While I had experienced sleep troubles linked to anxiety since my university days, things kicked up a gear when I became a mother.

One of my babies had silent reflux, where milk comes back up their food pipe but isn’t coughed up, leading to chronic sleep deprivation for both of us. The baby in question is now ten, but whenever I have a bad night, my mind jumps straight to how I felt at that time – and how I can’t bear the thought of feeling like that again.

So how did I finally conquer my sleep troubles?

My mindset shifted two years ago when I began studying the nervous system in depth for a book I was writing. It was then I realised how my emotions and mental state were linked to my body’s physical ability to drop off – and that chasing sleep with increasing desperation wasn’t the answer.

And so now on those long, fretful nights, I remove the expectation of sleep completely and accept that I may be awake for a while – and that I’ve survived every tired day so far. More often than not, once the pressure is off, I do fall asleep. I realise that may sound easier said than done. But as a psychotherapist who has helped many others tackle sleep anxiety, I promise it is treatable.

Cognitive behavioural therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) is the recommended treatment for long-term insomnia, and many of its principles are things you can start tonight. Here are my top tips for easing sleep anxiety:

Cut the countdown

Turn your clock to face the wall and keep your phone out of reach. Research has found that people with insomnia who can see a clock take longer to fall asleep, and feel more worried in the meantime.

Claim time as yours

Lying awake isn’t the same as sleeping, but it isn’t time wasted and can still be restful. The key is to reclaim wakeful hours rather than seeing them as time that has been stolen from you.

Do something gentle you enjoy, like reading on a dimly lit e-reader or listening to an audiobook. In this time when the house is quiet and still, remind yourself that you are safe and nobody needs you. If frustration continues to build, move to another room and find a way to pass the time there, so your bed doesn’t become linked with feelings of stress.

Try to stay awake

A CBT-I technique called paradoxical intention involves lying in bed and trying to keep your eyes open.

The aim isn’t to stay awake all night, but to remove the pressure that’s keeping you awake. Lie in the dark with your eyes open – resist the temptation to close them in the belief this will make sleep more likely – but without looking at your phone or clock. When the thought ‘I’m still not asleep’ pops up, answer it with ‘Good, that’s the plan.’

When you stop putting in the effort to sleep, many find it comes on its own – and at that point, you can close your eyes!

Remember the facts

When you find yourself thinking ‘If I don’t sleep, tomorrow will be a disaster’, remember the facts: you’ve got through every tired day so far, and you’ll survive this one. While you may still have bad nights, not dreading them will make things easier.

Get support 

If sleep anxiety has lasted three months or more, speak to your GP about CBT-I. And if you snore loudly, wake up gasping for breath or think hormonal changes are to blame, mention that too, as there can be physical causes that would benefit from treatment.

How to Stop Snapping at the People You Love by Anna Mathur (Penguin Life £18.99)