‘I’ve by no means been in love with my husband and our marriage is the happiest I do know’: Tracey Cox reveals why you do not should be head over heels to have an awesome relationship
The first time Sarah met her husband, she thought he was ‘perfectly nice’.
Not outrageously attractive. Not magnetic. Not the kind of man who’d set the world alight. Just… nice.
Exactly the sort of man, she told me, that her mother would have picked for her.
She married him and twelve years, two children and a mortgage later, she describes their relationship as ‘the best decision I ever made’.
And here’s the thing: Sarah has still never been ‘in love’ with her husband.
‘Not once. Not even close,’ she says. ‘I love him deeply. I respect him. I fancy him. I genuinely like him. But that mad, obsessive, can’t-eat, can’t-sleep feeling I had with my ex at 22? Never. And honestly? I think that’s partly why we work.’
Is ‘lightning bolt’ love all it’s cracked up to be?
Does being ‘in love’ predict relationship success? Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals why we have been sold a fantasy that could do more harm than good
Sarah’s story is more common than you might think — and far less talked about.
In a culture saturated with romantic mythology, admitting you’ve never been in love with the person you’ve chosen to build your life with feels shameful.
Something must be wrong.
But is there? And more importantly: does being ‘in love’ predict relationship success? Or have we been sold a fantasy that does more harm than good?
The difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’
Psychologists distinguish between two types of love.
‘Passionate love’ is what most of us mean when we say we’re ‘in love’ – that intense, all-consuming infatuation characterised by obsessive thinking, physical longing, euphoria and, let’s be honest, a certain amount of delusion.
The person is idealised and flaws disappear.
‘Companionate love’ is the deep affection, attachment and commitment that develops over time. Less exciting, perhaps, but more reliable and – lots attest to – ultimately more satisfying.
Passionate love lasts, on average, between 18 months and three years. After that, the neurochemicals responsible for the butterflies – dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin – normalise. The obsession fades and you’re left with either companionate love – or nothing much at all.
Which raises an uncomfortable question: if being ‘in love’ is temporary, does it matter whether you felt it at the beginning?
Here’s five reasons why I think you can have a great relationship without having been ‘in love’.
(Huge emphasis on the ‘in’ part though. Love is obviously a must; it just doesn’t need to be the knee-trembling type.)
Compatibility outlasts chemistry
The couples who report the highest long-term satisfaction share values, communication styles and life goals — not necessarily initial passion.
If you want someone who will still be your person at 70, shared values matter more than the way they made your stomach flip in 2019.
Calm is not the same as boring
Our culture has romanticised anxiety in relationships to an alarming degree. If you’re not constantly worried about losing them, are you really in love? If it feels easy, can it be real?
These are dangerous ideas.
Healthy love should feel secure, not destabilising. What some people mistake for a lack of passion is actually the absence of unhealthy attachment patterns.
‘Companionate love’ is the deep affection, attachment and commitment that develops over time. Less exciting, perhaps, but more reliable and – lots attest to – ultimately more satisfying, says Tracey Cox (stock image)
Respect and liking are massively underrated
John Gottman, the world’s foremost researcher on relationship success, has spent decades studying what makes couples stay together and thrive.
His conclusion?
The single biggest predictor of lasting happiness in a relationship is what he calls ‘fondness and admiration’ — the sense that you genuinely like and respect your partner. Not passion, not chemistry: like not love.
Attraction can grow
Many people in relationships that started out without much passion report that attraction can grow significantly over time.
Shared experiences, vulnerability, trust, humour — these are also aphrodisiacs. The person who didn’t make your pulse race at 30 might be the one you are completely devoted to at 50.
Time changes what we find attractive.
The absence of drama is a good thing
Passionate love and relationship instability often go hand in hand.
The intensity that makes early romance so intoxicating is often caused by negative things – anxiety, ‘flaky’ behaviour and not knowing if your feelings are reciprocated.
You feel euphoric when they finally answer that text because they’ve kept you hanging for two days.
The person who is reliable, respectful and does what they say they’re going to do might not inspire a fluttery tummy but long-term, they’re one hell of a better bet.
‘I CHOSE WITH MY HEAD, NOT MY HEART AND I’VE NEVER REGRETTED IT’
Emma, 41, a marketing director, has been married 14 years
‘I’d been in love twice before I met Daniel. Properly in love – where you check your phone every 30 seconds and feel physically sick when they don’t text back. Both times it ended in absolute carnage.
When I met Daniel through a friend, I thought he was great company. Attractive in a quiet way but funny and decent. There were no fireworks or lightning bolts – I wasn’t swept off my feet. When I told friends I was getting married, they asked me if I was sure because I was so calm about it.
But I remember thinking this is what it feels like when someone isn’t messing with your head. This is what safe feels like. I made a very deliberate choice to give it a proper chance.
Fourteen years on, we have three kids, a house we love and a genuinely happy life. Do I sometimes wonder whether I should have experienced that mad passion for him? Occasionally. But I also remember how those other relationships felt – the anxiety, the drama, the heartbreak. I’ll take calm and content over that every single time.’
‘I FEEL A CONSTANT LOW-LEVEL DISAPPOINTMENT – LIKE I’VE MISSED OUT’
Molly, 36, made a ‘sensible’ choice marrying Tom but now regrets it.
‘When I met Tom, I was 33 and exhausted from dating the wrong men. He was the opposite to everything I’d always gone for. Decent values rather than flashy. Intelligent rather than good looking. Plus he adored me.
My friends were all married or pregnant or onto their second or third child. I felt left behind. He was a sensible choice but our wedding was beautiful. I loved him, I just wasn’t in love with him. I told myself that was immature and for teenagers.
The first year was fine but then cracks appeared.
I felt something I didn’t expect – restlessness. We were trying for a baby, something I’d wanted for a very long time, but I was now craving adventure.
A new guy started at work who I found attractive and sensed it might be reciprocated. He touched my arm to make a point, totally innocently, but I felt more in that split second than I’d felt in years.
I feel trapped by my own practicality. I’ve started to resent Tom which is ridiculous because he’s done nothing wrong. He loves me utterly and completely, but I just don’t feel that pull.
I’m secretly taking the contraceptive pill because I’m not sure about this marriage. I feel a constant low-level feeling of disappointment, like I’ve missed out somehow.
When I watch friends who clearly are in love with their partners, I feel envious. I worry something fundamental is missing.
I’m an intelligent woman and I know lust dies and being mates is what’s important. But I do think having felt intensely in love with someone is what keeps you there when life gets boring. You remember how you felt and it keeps you going.’
Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, every Wednesday. Find her on Instagram @traceycoxsexauthor and email her at [email protected].
You’ll find Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, wherever you buy your books.
