‘My boyfriend’s secret lover despatched pictures slathering her topless chest in chocolate’
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Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Spread eagle
I thought my boyfriend loved me and was on my side, but I’ve found a huge number of messages and explicit pictures on his phone from other women.
The other day he went to the gym and accidentally left his phone behind on the kitchen counter.
It kept buzzing. I was trying to work, and it was driving me crazy. In the end, curiosity got the better of me and I picked it up. Now I wish I hadn’t bothered. My boyfriend’s pass code is written on a Post It on the fridge, so I looked it up and tapped it in.
There were all sorts of filthy texts from a variety of contacts. What these individuals didn’t want to do to him was nobody’s business. There were shots of women, topless and spread-eagle on a bed. In some a blonde was provocatively cupping her ample breasts. In others a brunette was playing with sex toys and blowing kisses…
Heartbreakingly, there were also selfies of him and various women together too – on beds, on grass and at the beach. I was so angry that I decided to reply on his behalf. I suggested to one that she send me a couple of new shots of herself.
I asked her to strip naked and rub chocolate sauce all over her chest. She replied: “No problem”. When my boyfriend eventually returned home, I threw the phone in his facing screaming: “Check your messages!”
But instead of apologising or even looking a tiny bit sheepish, he went mad.
He accused me of ‘invading his privacy’ and overstepping the mark. We’ve not made love since. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve done nothing wrong. HE has been receiving smutty messages from other women.
Yet I’m the one in the doghouse. How does that work?
JANE SAYS: Time to call a truce.
Ask your boyfriend for a proper, sit down conversion, because you can’t go on like this.
You and he are in a very dark place right now. He’s angry with you for diving into his phone messages, and you’re furious with him for engaging with a number of other women. To be honest he’s right; you shouldn’t have crossed that line; tapped in his personal pass code and snooped on his correspondence. Equally, he shouldn’t be sexting and seeing other woman when he’s supposed to be in a committed relationship with you. Is he sorry about that?
What has he got to say for himself and what do these other women mean to him? Is he prepared to dump his selfish life and start again with you? I worry that you hardly know the real ‘him’ at all; that he is deeper and more devious that you ever expected. Can you continue with a man who has been messing around so intensively and so frequently behind your back? Do you want out? Where were those other beds? The grass or the beach? What did he tell you every time he went out with them? Remember that he isn’t the only man in the world and if he isn’t making you happy – and you can’t come back from this betrayal and shock – then you have to start considering a future without him in it. Breaking up will be tough but you must think of your well-being.
Tight squeeze
An old school friend has asked if she, her husband and two teenage sons friends (4 people in total) can come and stay with us for the whole of August.
She now lives in Canada and wants to visit various family members. This is so awkward as our house is tiny and we both work from home. My husband and I will have to give them our room while we doss down on the sofa. The kids will be in the spare room (which is currently a total tip).
I feel very small minded about saying ‘no’, but this request is putting me under so much stress. What can I say when I haven’t seen her for 20 years?
JANE SAYS: Contact your friend right now and make it clear that she’s asking too much of you. If you live in a compact property, then how can you possibly accommodate and feed four additional guests?
What about your jobs? The laundry? The toilet and showers? Surely if she wants to come here to visit relatives, then she should turn to them.
Be honest; point out that your house is small and that things are difficult because you both work from home and need to make a living.
Suggest alternatives and don’t put yourself under pressure. I get the impression that she’s on a budget and doesn’t wish to splash out on hotels but that’s not your problem.
Nip in the bud
An ex-colleague keeps asking me to ‘dig deep’ and I’m sick of it. Since giving up her full-time job, she’s dedicated herself to charitable organisations, which is fine. But I’m done with her shaming me into sponsoring her and giving her stuff. First, she wanted quality toiletries, chocolates and bottles for raffles. Now it’s cold, hard cash. Recently she asked me to donate ‘At least £50’ to her latest pet project. I can’t afford anything, plus I don’t agree with the cause she’s raising funds for. We’re having a tough year, as a family, and are finding it hard to make ends meet.
JANE SAYS: Charity begins at home and if you can’t contribute, then you don’t have to justify that to anyone. I suggest you nip this in the bud by speaking to your ex-colleague. Calmly explain that, for personal reasons, you won’t be able to donate any more goods or cash. You do hope she understands.
Be polite, but firm, wish her good luck and then walk away. It’s far more important that your immediate family are fed and that your account is in the black.
You’ve already done more than your bit so do not allow her to bully, shame or intimidate you.
Out in the cold
My friend is having a huge summer party. Everyone I know is going only I haven’t been invited. Apparently ‘numbers are limited’ but she owes me.
She came here for Christmas lunch because her boyfriend was with another woman. In the past I’ve walked her dog and looked after her sick mum. Why aren’t I on the list?
JANE SAYS: Go and see this woman and explain that your invitation hasn’t arrived. I suspect she’ll mutter that it’s been ‘lost in the post’ and instantly issue you with a new one. If she doesn’t, then you must conclude that she’s nothing but a user and never have anything to do with her again. Admittedly, we can’t all go to everything, but you should be going to this by way of a ‘thank you’.
