‘I really like informal intercourse with my feminine boss however my neighbour will not go away us alone’
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
No strings sex
I have a casual, on/off thing with my female boss. She comes over and we make out whenever she’s bored or horny. We fancy each but she’s married and I’m not interested in a committed relationship.
The problem is that my next door neighbour has become obsessed with me and hits the roof whenever my boss/lover, or any other women, come to my house to play… I moved into this house last year and getting close to my desperate neighbour was a big mistake. I thought I was being kind by inviting her in for a coffee and helping her to move a fridge. Now she won’t leave me alone. I’m not lonely or looking for a relationship. I’m a guy who likes sex with a variety of women on my own terms. Unfortunately, my neighbour has developed a crush. She thinks I can make her happy.
She keeps popping over with bottles of wine and telling me I’m hot. Twice she’s tried to grope me and last month she came right out and asked me if I fancied full sex. (I said: “No thanks”). Now she’s invited me on a dirty weekend. She’s booked a hotel and hinted I can do anything I like.
The other week I drew up in a taxi at 8pm with my boss. We were quite drunk and looking forward to a night of no-strings sex. My neighbour spotted us, came out and created merry hell. She was unspeakably rude towards my boss calling her a slut and a user. The whole encounter was very awkward. The next night she stormed over and demanded to know what was going on with ‘us’. There is no ‘us’. I can’t do anything without her noticing. I’m wary of making an enemy of her; because I don’t know which way she might turn.
JANE SAYS: Be honest and explain to your neighbour that you’re you’re not interested and not free. This is not a game; you know your own mind; you’re not playing hard to get in the hope that she’ll continue to chase you.
If she can’t respect or understand where you’re coming from then you can have nothing more to do with each other. It would be great if you could just be friends, but she has to understand that you won’t be bullied, coerced or intimidated into bed. It goes without saying that you cannot go on that romantic trip with her. Tell her today, ‘thank you very much’ but it’s not something you’re interested in. Full stop. She may fancy you and be looking for love and companionship, but nothing gives her the right to overstep the mark.
Groping you in your own home and embarrassing you in the street is not on. You’re not obliged to answer to her or anyone else. Imagine if you’d pulled a stunt like that on her.
I don’t think you should go so far as moving home – why should you?
But you should be ready to speak to a solicitor or even the police if this woman does go on to become a serious nuisance. It’s sad that she’s lonely, but that’s not your problem. You are entitled to live your life any way you choose.
Grubby gear
My partner makes no effort for me.
She only bothers to dress up if we’re going out. The rest of the time she slobs around in grubby sweat pants and tee shirts. She works from home and can go for days without showering or changing her clothes. I come home at night and dread looking at her – especially as all the women I work with are immaculately groomed. The thought of having sex with her doesn’t appeal at all. Yet, when we go out with friends, she pulls out all the stops and looks amazing in fitted dresses and make up. Why aren’t I worth it?
JANE SAYS: Could it be that your girl is a little depressed or even lonely? Anyone who works from home knows that the temptation to slob around is a strong one.
Pick your moment and talk to her about how she’s feeling and coping.
Does she need to force herself to go out every day if only to the shops, park or an exercise class? Tell her that you love and admire her but need something to change if you’re not to fall into a rut of resentment and indifference. Resist using the word ‘effort’, because that’s insulting, but do make some suggestions about how she can get a better work/life balance.
My feeling is that she needs support and, maybe even a complete career change.
Team player
My boss is furious that I’m not a team player. There is a huge drinking culture at our place.
He expects us all to go to a local bar with him, and stay out until closing time, several times a week.
What none of my colleagues know is that I had a problem with drink as younger woman; I drank too much and got myself into trouble – now I don’t touch a drop.
I feel I’m being picked on for not joining in; I’ve already been overlooked for one promotion and dread any upcoming redundancies because I’m convinced my name will be first on the list. How should I handle this?
JANE SAYS: I’m sure that your job description doesn’t oblige you to get drunk. Is anyone else complaining about his behaviour? If he can’t respect a simple ‘no thanks’, then he’s clearly abusing his position. Write down everything that has happened so far and keep a detailed diary from now on. If you work for a small company that doesn’t have an HR department or a boss in higher authority that you can speak to, then I suggest you check out ACAS (www.acas.org.uk) for support and information. Stay strong and stick to your principles.
Hard cash
My girl treats sex like a favour. She expects me to thank her for intimacy and orgasms. All throughout the act I whisper that she’s beautiful and sexy – even though she never lifts a finger to please or titivate me. Afterwards, I’m expected to treat her to a takeaway, clothes or cold, hard cash by way of gratitude. How do I inject some love?
JANE SAYS: If your current girlfriend can barely bring herself to break into a sweat for you, then wouldn’t you be better off sharing your love elsewhere? Each time you effectively pay her for sex with food and cash another little piece of you dies inside. Talk to her away from the bedroom about your frustrations and her terrible attitude. Does she have any love or regard for you?
